To be down that my whole life will be spent 'caring'

[AnuSTart]

In as small a nutshell as I can manage;

I'm 50. It'll be 10 years before my youngest leaves home (at the very minimum). My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.
I've just realised that I've spent my whole adult life caring for others (was a mum at 21) and will continue until I'm too old to do anything else- assuming we look after his parents.
It makes me utterly down.
I have siblings who will bear the brunt of my parents' old age and I very selfishly I realise now, always lives far away (my parents were very bad to me and I felt -and feel- no guilt for this). I admire the dedication of my partner and his sense of duty towards his parents but my relationship with them is hard often on a very simplistic level it feels like my raison d'être in my 60s will be to serve them. I am aware that this has been the lot of women for hundreds of years and it makes me angry.
I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know. They have that expectation but I do know that it messed with the mind and happiness of my mother-in-law yet she expects me to downgrade she did in the 80s!

That's nice to hear DarkMa but the OP is not you and does not want to be a carer in future.

With your background I'd bet that a woman's role as a Carer for geriatric parents was indoctrinated from the moment you could listen 🙄

Your MIL does not sound like she is going to enrich your life with 'wisdom, love and patience' - no, it is nothing like this. You are again being asked/told to sacrifice another decade of your life, if not longer, at the end of which time you can expect to be in very poor health yourself.

Now is the time to be crystal clear with dh, you will not be moving in or near them. They won't be moving in with you. It is a good idea for him to start sourcing help before it is needed, and a plan for the future care of his parents.

I would rather get divorced than be forced into this arrangement.

This is your life op. Start taking some ownership for your happiness. You are not a voiceless passenger on the sea of life. Choose to own your life again and make some firm decisions. Book the Europe train for next summer and take your little dc with you. There is no time to waste.

Don't do it! This is certainly not typical. If they require that kind of care then they will be able to get carers to come in and do it.

I would be happy to help my apIL manage their affairs, organise things for them, do some shopping. Check in on them, take them out, etc etc.

Absolutely no way I would be moving in with them and doing personal/nursing care for them.

Just say no. Make it clear you will not do it! Challenge that expectation right now. If you have allowed him to think it will happen, have a big chat now. You gave thought about your life and plans for retirement. You will not move I. With them.

OP I get it and very similar, had first child at 18, last at nearly 40 and was supporting him at uni until I was 62, I used to joke I'd have no time to save up for my old age. I'm 69 and still working!

I don't have parents or ILs to care for but my husband is disabled so I am a carer. It gets harder. I used to think I had years ahead of me, now I think how many good years are there and what does it matter as those years will just be more of the same.

Don't have an answer.

Firstly thank you to everyone I go has given me their thoughts and experience. It means a lot as I've been going round in mental circles and getting more and more down about it. The post quoted pretty much sums up my thoughts. My MIL, though kind, is not going to be giving me positive feedback and I think if anything she'll resent me being there and helping. My FIL is a raving complainer who has never left his village his entire life and complains if you cook for him. Nothing is ever right.
I need to speak to my DH and draw a line in the sand. My life is short. I don't want to spend it in servitude to seniors who don't even generally like me.

I'm sorry that so many of us here are in a similar situation and that you are taken for granted. It shouldn't be a woman's lot, yet somehow it often is. It makes me so angry.

You're allowing someone else to determine the whole future direction of your life for you? Why, FGS?

This is a hugely tall order even for a marriage. A marriage is a joint life with someone entailing shared decisions, not a life sentence of forced labour.

You've done your part in the caring role. And with older, sick relatives it's a 24-hour a day duty with no respite. There is no freedom: none. In some cases, ie if relatives are prone to falling, they can't be left. Ever. You run out of milk, you do without until someone else comes home. Basically, you can't breathe.

It's a huge, HUGE ask - and your DH has no right to nominate you for this as your lot. I'd be quickly disavailing him of the notion that you'll be moving in with them under any pretext. He doesn't get to decide your living arrangements for you.

This would, of course, mean that if he did move in with them he'd be doing so alone and this would be a dealbreaker. But were he to show you this is where his priorities lie, then they are other than with you and that isn't a great basis for a marriage anyway. You're his wife, not an unpaid scullery maid.

Only you, however, can take control of your life.

Hey OP

I really really really hope that you find the courage to say no. I suspect you will ultimately have to divorce to do so. And I suspect you would find that an unbelievably liberating thing to do.

you sound like someone who would not waste later life but who would embrace

just start laying the groundwork -
setting boundaries l, making financial plans, start experimenting with hobbies you might like.

My background? Indoctrinated?

Hardly.

A nice bit of bias you have peeking out there. My family are cosmopolitan, highly educated and push female empowerment. The OP is in a different situation but it's always good to have different views rather than an echo chamber saying the same thing. For what its worth multi generational homes were the norm in this country too not so long ago before the recent advent of nuclear families. Several of my acquaintances (unindocrinated and white) have sold up along with their parents and bought much larger properties with combined funds so they can live together but retain privacy.

It seems to work for them so far.

I am wondering how female empowerment sits with looking after children - the younger generation - and the elders? That is a hell of a lot of caring and needs. How on earth does one slot in a full time career, self care and advancement? Assuming you need to sleep once in a while.

In my experience empowerment of women comes secondary to her doing her duties to the family first. It’s very conditional. That applies to most/ too many societies in the world - so it is not unique to any one country.

You are a 50 year old women who has a full time job and can hopefully stand on her own two feet. You do not have to move in with your inlaws if you don't wish too but you need to use your voice to say so. Speak with your partner and be clear that you will not be moving into their home so as a couple where does that leave you? Be prepared that he might walk, might try to change your mind but be strong. You really are not resigned to this fate unless you want to be. If you don't then say so.

In terms of inter generational living, if you do it from early on, then presumably, initially, your life is made easier by the presence of fit, healthy, grandparents. It is probably a big help in terms of raising children and then once they become elderly and in need of help they benefit from living with their younger relatives.

In terms of the op, she'd just be moving in with old and infirm in laws...once they are past the fit and healthy stage so she won't have benefited from them being around. It's a lose lose situation for her.

Thanks so much for all your responses.
I've decided I'm not doing it. Not in the next few years anyway. I'm not taking on caring until I'm ready for that. And I'm not now and don't foresee it anytime soon.

I'm grateful for the thoughts and insights.

I think we should stop calling it caring. It has too many connotations linking it to a lone female taking on responsibility for running someone else’s life.

Perhaps change it to Unpaid Drudgery or Your life doesn’t count because you must prioritise others or They want a servant and it can only be you etc etc

His parents his responsibility. I don't see how he or his parents can even expect this from you. To give you mo choice is forcing you to do it especially as you don't even get along with them. You need to put your foot down and tell him you won't be moving in with his parents, if he still wants to go ahead then you really will be happier without him.

Um no if your DH wants to move in with his parents and look after him then that is one thing. You do not have to comply. Let him do the caring. What is your situation? Do you work or have hobbies/friends? Your husband does not get to decide what you do. Mine would have got short shrift had he decided we move in with his mum for me to look after. Even he struggled to spend time with her and I worked anyway. How old are your children?

Without sounding too crude. How long did your DH grandparents live til? If they all 'expired' in their early 80s, is this a conversation even worth having? In 10 yrs time, they'll be in their 90s, how likely is it that they'll still be around? Hold firm, you were not put on this earth to be everyone's servant/skivvy, especially if you know the recipients won't be grateful for the added support.

My advice would be to never, ever have either your own or DPs parents live with you.
If at any time in the future you are guilt tripped into caring, then have them live nearby, (Where you or your DP can easily visit), but not with you.
If they live with you, then help from social services will be minimal, as they will be expecting you to do everything.
Unlike children who gradually grow and get better at doing things (with some exceptions for those with special needs), elderly parents will gradually decline and get less and less able to do things for themselves.
If living nearby (I do not mean next door, but maybe a few miles), then DP can take a turn in visiting, getting shopping, etc

Do you think you might feel the same if you didn’t have siblings who would take on the role of caring for your parents?

Same @Lemonlady22 Both my parents are dead now & I drove up & down the M1 as often as I could to care for them (whilst also spending ages on the phone sorting out a cleaner/a stairlift/team of carers/x rays etc etc. My DH was busy working so he never came up when my DF was terminally ill or DM was dying. He came up for the funerals & that's all. He looked after our 2 DC whilst I drove the 6 hour round trip every fortnight. His parents live v near us (20 min drive) & his DM is already disabled & frail (Both mid 70s). We are the nearest to them as DH 2 siblings live much further away. I'm a bit worried I'll be expected to help care for them when the time comes (I'm a SAHP atm). I'll be getting a job before I agree to help care for them! Having to help bathe/dress my own DM etc was awful enough but there's NO WAY I'm doing it for PIL. I'll help arrange food delivery/cleaners etc but I fully expect my DH & his 2 siblings to sort everything between them. I really like my PIL (if I see them one a month) but I'm not doing all that again! Stand your ground OP but also try not to overthink this. Anything could happen in the next few years.

Just say no. Set the expectation now that you won’t do it. Make sure they have planned/financed accordingly for their final years.

Well he can do it then! You are not moving in and you are not looking after them.

I love the way the expectation is that your life can be sacrificed because his parents did it for his grandparents.

My DGM tried cornering me into this. And I know that most of the family would have been very happy with the arrangement. I was so insulted.

Whether they like it or not your life is just as important as theirs.

Have you and your husband had a discussion about what he'll be doing while you're caring for his parents?

Good for you both.

I have had several friends who helped their parents and their husbands were nowhere to be seen at all and then tried to manoeuvre their wives into an organiser role when it came to their parents.

They were categorically put in their place.

In fact one ended up moving into his mothers for several nights a week such was the umbrage one friend took when it was suggested his mother move in, after he was absolutely not involved with her beloved parents dying within 18 months of each other.

I think her grief was further triggered by annoyance at him and how unavailable he had been, busy with his endless hobbies.

His mother eventually went into a nursing home and their marriage has limped on.

She tolerates him now even though he does make a much greater effort when he finally realised how tenuous his marriage really was.

Agree with @Kissingfrogs25, I would be long divorced before I would have caring duties foisted on me.

Spell it out to him OP.

It's not a popular view, but IMO men can be spectacularly selfishly motivated to avoid caring duties if they can at all.

They will ruthlessly exploit their wives, sisters, given half a chance.

It takes strong women who brook no
bullshit to ensure it doesn't happen.

OP, you have cared enough in this, your one life.

For all the PPs who've been there or are there now I am really grateful for your thoughts. It's appalling to think that as women the expectation is, subconscious or not, that we will do the physical and emotional care of senior relatives beggars belief.
I did have a short talk to DH about it today and he mentioned that he is not sure about the physical stuff and doing it himself as his own mother did it for her husbands parents. My jaw was agape MNers! Hit the floor! The implication is, well women can wash other people's behinds. Actually not even considering that maybe his father or mother won't even want me doing that! Where's the dignity!
I said well there will have to be paid care. He replied that it's something families should take care of. I'm quietly seething.

@1HappyTraveller I think this is a pertinent question and I do think there is an element of that. That said I left home young because of my parents and I felt no guilt about leaving them. But I do feel guilt about my siblings being the persons left.

I do love my partner and as such I have a role to play, but I'll be damned if I am the only one doing it!

Please forgive the lack of punctuation and typos!