To be down that my whole life will be spent 'caring'

[AnuSTart]

In as small a nutshell as I can manage;

I'm 50. It'll be 10 years before my youngest leaves home (at the very minimum). My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.
I've just realised that I've spent my whole adult life caring for others (was a mum at 21) and will continue until I'm too old to do anything else- assuming we look after his parents.
It makes me utterly down.
I have siblings who will bear the brunt of my parents' old age and I very selfishly I realise now, always lives far away (my parents were very bad to me and I felt -and feel- no guilt for this). I admire the dedication of my partner and his sense of duty towards his parents but my relationship with them is hard often on a very simplistic level it feels like my raison d'être in my 60s will be to serve them. I am aware that this has been the lot of women for hundreds of years and it makes me angry.
I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know. They have that expectation but I do know that it messed with the mind and happiness of my mother-in-law yet she expects me to downgrade she did in the 80s!

Don't accept this. You have one life and there can be other arrangements made. I'd rather work more to pay for care than do that care myself.

YANBU to feel down about the prospect, but I think you should actively work to make sure you aren't expected to care for dh parents.

That's unreasonable of them to expect.

And I hear you. I really struggle with the limitations of our gender, akways being expected to bear the brunt of cleaning and caring.

It was one thing when we didn't work at all. But now, we're supposed to be equal, this has to stop.

So as an update, he went away for the weekend to his parents as my seething was louder than intended!!!

Hah!

As far as bum wiping is concerned, his mum did it for her mother-in-law (under duress, I know this for sure) so I should want to as well. The magic circle of life!!!!!

Arghhhhhhhh

Seriously what are you talking about. You had another child when your eldest was a teen. Eight is fairly independent. Try and find some pleasure in your children rather than viewing them as a caring responsibility.

Do you work or have outside interests currently as i cannot fathom viewing my life like this.

If you dont want to care for your inlaws dont. They might not actually need any care of course.

Don't fall for this crap! If your husband wants his parents cared for, tell him straight either he does it or he employs someone to do it! In no way even start this journey without this being very clear from the start

actually wishing that this thread would go away, you dont have to do this, it is not your duty, done

You were seething just as loud as needed to get your point across.

The thing is that despite your words today your DH is just going to assume that you'll do it, because that is what he wants to happen, what works for him. You're going to have to be prepared to reiterate your stance loudly and firmly each and every time this issue gets raised about his parents. As well as any time you see or hear of anyone being the carer for elderly relatives. You'll need to repeat "Well, thank heavens you and I discussed this and you know I'm not doing it".

The problem is...what are you prepared to do if and when DH announces that his mother and/or dad is moving in? Because I'll bet you a dollar to a donut that will happen.

Whatever!

I would be divorcing rather than get sucked into this.

I write this married 30 years.

Wouldn't be doing it.

End of.

Your choice.

Good luck.

I would be divorcing rather than get sucked into this

Same.

If I had a choice of either ending my relationship or living with my mother in law...I'd choose to end my relationship. Wouldn't hesitate in that decision either!

You do not have to live with your in-laws if you don't want to so stop being a martyr and decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. The days of the oldest daughter caring for their parents all of their lives is long gone. You are entitled to a life so go on and have it. And, as for your youngest daughter, why do you have to look after her? She's old enough to care for herself and to help you around the home. As for the in-laws, stop being wet and letting your husband decide what you are going to do for his parents. First of all speak to Age UK and you will find that they are very supportive. They can help in many ways and point you in the right direction for assistance, if needed. They can be assessed to see what is needed. It may be that they need some aids and an alarm button which can be worn around their necks in case of fall or emergency. It may well be that you only need to pop in to make sure that they have all that they need. If hubby and/or in-laws don't want to know then that is up to them, you do not need to fill that vacuum if they won't help themselves.

WTF wiping parents arses? No I dont think so, not every, when the time comes that you have to wipe someones arse, is the time for them to go to heaven,what the hell are you on about?, You seriously need to leave your husband if that is what he expects of you.That is why we get carers.My Dad, precious man, died 5 years ago, and at the end had carers wiping his arse.He went from a big scots rugby player, andghty james bond (his voice was like bond) to someone who had to get a hoist and have his arse wiped, not good)To see him in that state was a devastation to say the least.He should have gone at least 8 months before he did lying in a bed alone, which still breaks my heart to this day, he kept alive for her, and there is too much keeping alive, its not right, let them go now if they need to, let them pass over

I looked after my mother but put her in a home as she became violent to my children my brother did nothing .When it was my mother in laws turn she expected us No I said a not a good relationship as the father in law had been rude to us and asked us to leave had 3crying children in the car He was all for his other son who did nothing at home and had no children .He was married she did nothing there I never forgave both of them My husband did the caring she sent. Support away (my husband had cancer )She was dominant over her sons especially my husband who could never do want he wanted to do as a job because he couldn’t move far away (control ) No tell your husband his role

Why not tell him he can just stay there and not bother coming back unless he changes his attitude? You're not his minion, he doesn't get to tell you how you should want to spend the rest of your life.

And?

You sound very passive. Who made your Dh the boss of you? You're going to roll over when your in laws move in aren't you.

The fact that you have been responsible for children from the age of 21 until 60 is a result of your own decisions. You don’t know what will happen with your in laws. If they are in poor health in their 70s they may not live long. You can however prepare your husband for the fact that you will not be moving in with them and that he will have to support them from a distance with help from carers. It might never happen though so it’s not worth too much discussion until the time approaches.

I've never complained about caring for my own children until I'm 60. That is my decision and one I'm glad about, which I've also said lots of times.

I've also let DH know that it isn't happening.
So those who desperately hope this thread dies (could try not coming on it maybe?) hurrah!

Of course you haven't OP.

Like you I have had children later and will probably be into my 60's running around after them.....my choice.

Having caring duties foisted on you by a spouse who thinks he needs to be seen to organise it, but not do it himself🙄🤬like hell would I allow myself be so presumed and imposed upon.

Divorce would be much much preferable.

I'm delighted to read that you are yourself and have told your husband to sling his hook.

Let him move up the country to his parents🙄.

Don't give up YOUR job, home, and life for HIM or HIS parents.

From what you have written about his expectations of YOU doing it, I really hope the scales have fallen from your eyes.

He ain't no prince🙄.

He's a complete CF in my book.
Push back hard.

Let him look into and organise what happens to HIS parents.

Do not get involved.

Thanksgiving so much @billy1966!

Now that he's realised he's doing it all himself he said that 'obviously paying for care is vital.' (!)

@AnuSTart I'm glad you have some fire in your belly and have said no!

Who wants this thread to die? Fuck them, seeing you go from defeatist to angry is brilliant!

Keep posting!!

Well, well, well.......he really is a cheeky fxxker.

FYI, you need to really sit with this knowledge.

Happy to foist wiping his parents arse on you (apologies for the vulgarity of this statement) but absolutely NOT prepared to do it himself.

He has just shown you EXACTLY who he is.
Don't brush that off.

He will now, no doubt, try and foist the organisation and logistics of any care on YOU.

Don't fall for it.
It's a major PITA and can be hugely time consuming.

You have a busy career and enough caring to do with your children.

If he asks you "to check it out" or "look into it".....tell him HE knows his parents best, better HE figure out what is required.

Once you get involved it is harder to hand it over.

A friend was caught out in this way years ago and became a salutary lesson for many others.

Just because she was a nurse she was asked to do a bit of organising and got caught for it all for a full year.

Her husbands family were nowhere to be seen.

She was ill with a very bad flu and they were forced to get involved and she simply refused to do ANYTHING again.

They tried to pester her with phonecalls but after writing out a list of numbers she refused to answer their calls.

Her husband got huffy with her but as she saw how he was more on their side than hers, it REALLY opened her eyes.

To help her recuperate she booked two weeks in the sun with her single sister and left HIM with 3 teens and the logistics of that.

The stinger was she told him that she was very unhappy in the marriage and needed space, and they could look at the logistics of how a separation would work when she got back.

She came back to a surprisingly organised house and a very tentative apologetic husband.

They didn't separate but the dynamic shifted in HER.

His parents lived for 10 more years and she really never got further involved.

Men do this to women all the time if they think they can get away with it.

I have a friend whose 2 brothers are leaving the 24/7 care of their mother to the three sisters/carers and it is causing ructions in the family.
She lives 4 hours from my friend it is very hard when you have 4 children aged 7-18.
Huge pressure.

You need to protect yourself from your husband as much as you do from his parents.

This is NOT on YOU.

You don't have to agree to be carers for your in laws but surely you must have realised this would happen if you had children spread over 20 years?