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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be down that my whole life will be spent 'caring'

221 replies

AnuSTart · 16/10/2022 20:44

In as small a nutshell as I can manage;

I'm 50. It'll be 10 years before my youngest leaves home (at the very minimum). My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.
I've just realised that I've spent my whole adult life caring for others (was a mum at 21) and will continue until I'm too old to do anything else- assuming we look after his parents.
It makes me utterly down.
I have siblings who will bear the brunt of my parents' old age and I very selfishly I realise now, always lives far away (my parents were very bad to me and I felt -and feel- no guilt for this). I admire the dedication of my partner and his sense of duty towards his parents but my relationship with them is hard often on a very simplistic level it feels like my raison d'être in my 60s will be to serve them. I am aware that this has been the lot of women for hundreds of years and it makes me angry.
I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know. They have that expectation but I do know that it messed with the mind and happiness of my mother-in-law yet she expects me to downgrade she did in the 80s!

OP posts:
passport123 · 16/10/2022 21:15

"His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less."

well he's welcome to do that. you don't have to do it with him.

I think you mean his expectation is that you care for them while his life goes on as normal. Bollocks to that.

FinallyHere · 16/10/2022 21:16

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/10/2022 20:57

I think it's amazing that your DH is so eager to care for his parents. However, there is nothing amazing about him expecting you to care for his parents. That isn't a decision that he gets to make.

If he wants to take on that responsibility, then that's his choice. If you don't want to take it on, that's your choice. Both are entirely valid positions. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into doing something that you don't want to do.

This.

Exactly this.

This. Write it out and stick it up somewhere that catches your eye every.single.day Make sure that your 'D'H is absolutely clear that you are not up for this. And he is absolutely wrong to suggest, no assume that you will do all the work while he gets to bask in glory as the dutiful son.

Just no.

Fixed that for you.

ArcticSkewer · 16/10/2022 21:19

Choosing to have children across two decades of your life does indeed make a lot of your life about caring.

The rest is also a choice. You don't have to do it. It hasn't actually happened yet either so I wouldn't bother catastrophising.

LaSenoraPerez · 16/10/2022 21:21

You can still have your own life whilst caring for others. It's not like you have no other life than caring for your children- you get to do other things over the years- career, interests, friends, other relationships
However, you should have a choice about who you care for. You need to have conversations NOW with your DH about his parents care. You are not obliged to move in and care for them. They are not your responsibility.

EmmaH2022 · 16/10/2022 21:24

as I just said on another thread - caring is horrendous.

don't do it.

I am having idle thoughts about dating - I'm 46. Someone asked me yesterday if I regretted breaking up with my last BF. He now has two parents with Alzheimers and he is married - his wife helps to care for them.

I think I am lucky that wasn't me (though I wouldn't marry).

Diverseopinions · 16/10/2022 21:25

It's life really.

Maybe worthwhile thinking of worse situations, to get some perspective. People go in for partnerships and children largely to have love and companionship in their lives. For many it's the joy and the pleasure of being here.

Caring is also chatting, smiling, watching TV shows together. It's not all doing tedious tasks to help someone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2022 21:27

God no, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You have choices

EmmaH2022 · 16/10/2022 21:27

Diverseopinions "It's life really."

No no no no no no. It isn't.

Yourhamsterisnonbinary · 16/10/2022 21:28

Just say no? I won't be looking after any elderly people and I definitely don't want my daughter looking after me. You don't have to do it, so don't.

Original poster
AnuSTart · 16/10/2022 21:29

All of these posts are amazing thanks!!!

Yes in idle moments I've hoped they die soon.

The conversation came up today because we'd been talking about my mother in law who'd basically slowly thrown lots of stuff of her in laws out (she lived in their house since she got married) and I quipped to my DP that she was doing 'quiet acts of rebellion' as her life had been subsumed by her husband's family. As the words were coming out of my mouth I realised, like a bloody revelation, that this would be me.

It made me really down all day.

Yes to PPs my eldest is now in late 20s, my youngest is only 8. I was looking forward to train travelling round Europe and doing stuff I wanted do after wiping arses for years and working manically at a career.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 16/10/2022 21:30

His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents

So OP.....have you discussed how HE will care for HIS elderly parents when you both move in with them?

Heatherjayne1972 · 16/10/2022 21:30

Speaking from the perspective of your child
don’t do this

my parents lived with my maternal grandparents. Gf died at 60 ish from cancer my gm lived another 20+ years needing more and more attention and care - meaning less and less care attention and time was coming to us the children
my mother was the carer by default since she lived there and I saw her get worn down to a shell by caring duties she felt obliged to do

don’t do it -especially for HIS parents.

why isn’t he doing it? Where are his siblings?

Original poster
AnuSTart · 16/10/2022 21:30

I do not want or expect my children to care for me. At all. I want them to run away and live free!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnuSTart · 16/10/2022 21:31

He doesn't have siblings which is why he feels bound to them I guess.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 16/10/2022 21:32

I'm a similar position.. had my first at 21 and three are independent but one will always need support as he has special needs(even if he goes into supported living one day..he's 25 now and I haven't even begun to face fighting for that) I'm in my 50's... Mum is in her 70s and without doubt I will be caring for her. And my entire working life has been in special ed... more caring.

I am hoping to have Mum near me but not living with us.. we will both need some independence. I hope to support for as long as I can without it breaking me and fight for care when I can't do it any more. I love my Mum deeply , but I don't feel the same obligation to my MIL (who unfortunately has dementia and DH's sister is doing all the caring as they are 100 miles away from us)

I think you have to have a veyr clear and open conversation with your DH on exactly how much you are prepared to do...and if you don't want to live with them (I wouldn't!) make it crystal clear NOW.

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 16/10/2022 21:32

I hear you OP. I had DS at 19 but always thought, never mind, by the time I’m 40 I’ll still be young enough to do stuff and be chilled. However, now that my mum has made some dreadful financial decisions and couldn’t afford to live alone. DS has left home and she’s had to move in. It means that DH and I have never had the house to ourselves 😢 She literally never goes anywhere, no friends, and we’re her social life. I love her and she’s in good health but I worry that if her health declines then I’ll have to become her carer and leave work.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/10/2022 21:33

Do not get guilted into moving in with your In-laws and caring for them. They can sell the house and use the money to pay for social care.

Also is your DH planing on giving up his job to care for them? No? Thought not.

Goldbar · 16/10/2022 21:33

My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.

He can expect what he likes, but there's no reason why you have to do this. Tell him he can do as he pleases, but you'll be travelling and doing your own thing so he shouldn't rely on you doing day-to-day care when making his plans. And you have no intention of living with his parents. Sounds like a complete nightmare to me.

Comedycook · 16/10/2022 21:33

So from 21 to 59/60, you will have always had a dependent child? Yikes. That's intense. But also it is a choice you made. Forget the in laws..you are under no obligation

Dacadactyl · 16/10/2022 21:33

You dont have to look after them OP. But do you feel you have no choice? Perhaps it is culturally expected of you...is that right?

If so, i kind of understand your predicament. I was a mum at 21 too and i would be devastated if i fell pregnant at 42 because I would be having a baby. In my mind i would have no choice about that.

EarthSight · 16/10/2022 21:34

Also OP - what you need to prepare yourself for is what you will feel when you say no. You need to be prepared for feeling guilty, for being judged, and be able withstand that without caving in.

Depending on what your husband is like, you could be made to appear like a bad person for saying no. This might not be overt - it could be in sighs, glances or awkward silences. You also need to be prepared that what your husband has in mind for the next decade or two might be very different to what you have in mind, and so you might have some really difficult decisions to make. The loyalty that he feels he needs to show his parents might outweigh any loyalty to you. If you say no to moving in, he might move in with them anyway to care for them himself.....but soemhow, I think that's unlikely!

Whitepouringglue · 16/10/2022 21:36

I really don't think you should move in with your pils.

EarthSight · 16/10/2022 21:39

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 16/10/2022 21:32

I hear you OP. I had DS at 19 but always thought, never mind, by the time I’m 40 I’ll still be young enough to do stuff and be chilled. However, now that my mum has made some dreadful financial decisions and couldn’t afford to live alone. DS has left home and she’s had to move in. It means that DH and I have never had the house to ourselves 😢 She literally never goes anywhere, no friends, and we’re her social life. I love her and she’s in good health but I worry that if her health declines then I’ll have to become her carer and leave work.

I'm so sorry OP. Is she depressed? Or does she have social anxiety? Do you think she could be refraining from socialising because she thinks it will cost money? @UnderCoverFieldAgent

I think some mothers just lose any will to make friends when they're older and think they can rely entirely on their daughters for everything. Lots of mother-daughter bonds are very close but it will never, and should never be a peer relationship.

Snugglemonkey · 16/10/2022 21:39

Ponderingwindow · 16/10/2022 21:12

I have never been encountered a couple caring for the husband’s parents where the husband did even 10% of the work. Even if there are also carers or care homes involved, somehow almost all the remaining labor falls to the wife.

don’t do this to yourself. At least keep the boundary of living separately from the in-laws.

This ^ DO NOT move in with them under any circumstances. Let carers do the brunt with the back up of DP. Do not suck anything up. Be clear that you have no intention of being a live in carer so DP is under no illusions.

Elieza · 16/10/2022 21:40

Do you work? If not I’d be looking for a school hours job. Then you won’t be just ‘sitting about’ (or whatever he thinks you do) waiting to attend to caring responsibilities for the older generation, you will be working and can’t drop everything.

At which point it would do him no harm to get over to the olds and do some caring himself. Then he can see what he’s asking you to do. And you can point out I’m not doing that. The odd thing fine. Full time caring nope. You want that you do it.

Id also consider moving away. That would also make it harder for the olds to conclude you will care for them in old age. They may then consider home helps or whatever.

Is it a cultural or religious thing that the young are expected to care for the old?