To be down that my whole life will be spent 'caring'

[AnuSTart]

In as small a nutshell as I can manage;

I'm 50. It'll be 10 years before my youngest leaves home (at the very minimum). My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.
I've just realised that I've spent my whole adult life caring for others (was a mum at 21) and will continue until I'm too old to do anything else- assuming we look after his parents.
It makes me utterly down.
I have siblings who will bear the brunt of my parents' old age and I very selfishly I realise now, always lives far away (my parents were very bad to me and I felt -and feel- no guilt for this). I admire the dedication of my partner and his sense of duty towards his parents but my relationship with them is hard often on a very simplistic level it feels like my raison d'être in my 60s will be to serve them. I am aware that this has been the lot of women for hundreds of years and it makes me angry.
I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know. They have that expectation but I do know that it messed with the mind and happiness of my mother-in-law yet she expects me to downgrade she did in the 80s!

There is no way I'd ever have cared for my ILs and thankfully the need never arose.

My dad passed away suddenly a week after mum was diagnosed with cancer. She was gone inside 5 months, so caring wasn't really an issue with them either. So, you never do know what lies ahead of you, and to be depressed about possibilities that may never materialise, is pretty pointless. What's the saying - "never trouble trouble, till trouble troubles you"! At the same time, do not let your DH continue under the illusion that you will be caring for his parents, should the need arise.

Nobody should ever feel forced to care for someone. There's other options.

You can care for them without living with them. I actually think it’s lovely to care for the elderly so they don’t have to go into homes etc but this can be done with getting them carers at home/you both organising shopping/visiting and social visits. My family have been in a similar situation (my parents not me) and it has really affected their mental health. But they felt they had little choice. I think sometimes you can be a better daughter/son by not becoming the only carer as your energy runs out.

This exactly. And if it isn’t good enough for him - why the hell does he expect you to do it?

Just don’t move in with them, it’s as simple as that.

Your DH doesn’t need to live with them to care for them.

If he chooses to do so then you just have to go off an forge your own path.

It’s 2022 - previous generations of women had no choice - you absolutely do. Don’t throw your life away, get some therapy to sort your head out if you need to.

In the words of the sparky Nora Ephron - be the heroine of your own life, not the victim. You aren’t going to get another go.

You chose to have children and you also chose to have more than one with a big age gap. Not a very wise choice and now you regret it.

I was happy to cook and clean for my in-laws when they weren’t in a position to do it themselves but there was no way on earth that I would deal with any personal care. DH had to push his father’s haemorrhoids back up, sod that!

Start doing things now. You can take a fortnight while your DH cares for your youngest son, and have one of the adventures you've always wanted. You can also have some of them with DC. I've done loads of my bucket list dreams with DC - ballooning, climbing the three peaks, visits to NYC, Japan, Iceland, going to music and arts festivals. I love having DC along - we all get on.

You can even have some adventures with your in-laws if you get on with them. A friend of mine goes off alone a lot and does pilgrimages and hikes across deserts, But then she comes back and goes on Antarctic cruises and similar with her elderly in laws.

Find ways to make it happen.

I'd be very unhappy if dh refused to have my parents move in. They've been lovely to us so maybe that's the difference. Plus they wouldn't want me helping with personal care. I'd be paying for that, or I guess they would? Not thought about it really. But either way they have a home with us.

@EmmaH2022 Do you include disabled children in your "not understanding" about caring for children we chose to have?

I didn't "choose" to be spoon feeding my DS17 or changing his nappies until I can no longer do it or I drop dead from trying.

Am I allowed a little "grumble" by your standards then?

I don't think anyone (certainly not me) had complained about looking after kids. I chose my kids. They are great and the ups and downs have been a gift. I love them so very much.

I didn't choose to take on PiLs and moving in with them and everything.
For what it's worth, I've got a great career, traveled and done a lot with my kids. They have not held me back. I just felt sad today feeling like my caring role is now extending beyond what is signed up for.

I have caring responsibilities, ironically not my parents but an elderly uncle. I took him to my home after hospital release . Once he was stable , I made sure that he returned home with a full care package . Still in charge of his care but no way could I live there.
I am bit older than you OP and I find a lot of my friends are in the same position, caring for parents . The others are finding themselves caring for grandchildren because of high cost of childcare and availability. Women never seem to get away from caring completely .

Bloody hell talk about exaggeration on the OP’s behalf.

What makes you think she regrets having her child?

A grumble is different though, it's milder?. It's the description of "caring". I suppose I associate it with elderly relatives.

OP hasn't said her youngest has special needs. If someone says "I am a carer" I don't think that means "I am a parent". So "caring" seems an odd term to use about children if there are no disabilities involved. I wouldn't count standard child raising years as carer years.

Why didn’t FIL go to the doctor?

I actually didn't mean you, I think another poster referred to it as caring years when it's just parenting.

anyway, I can't state it strongly enough - don't get involved with IL care unless you want to.

You can't go to a doctor for that every time can you?

pleased to say i don't know much about this particular problem so someone will correct me if wrong, I'm sure.

You either learn to say 'no', or you will spend your life doing something you don't want to you.
You do have a choice. It's up to you to make it. Nobody can do that for you.

You are absolutely right.
I need to have a long hard think and tell myself to be the woman I want my daughters to grow up to be.
It's hard to feel selfish though and I do.

I think I'd rather be single then move in with in-laws.

This is an option for you. You have choices. I bet you your husband won't be nearly so keen to care for his parents without a woman to take on the majority of the burden.

Don't destroy your mental health, marriage over this. Bluntly if your husband wants to move in let him. My friends OH dumped his mother on her after a stroke then went abroad for three weeks for work a normal occurrence. My friend did her back in lifting her MIL . OH came back was told he'd have to do the lifting he managed three days before admitting defeat. They arranged a care package then a residential home.

Look into care packages, it usually starts simply, a cleaner, then someone to check in once or twice a day. A bit of cooking. They won't both become a concern simultaneously. They'll lean on each other

I won't be looking after my own Mother when she needs care let alone my Out Laws

Fuck that I've got people to see and places to go when I get the long awaited opportunity to put myself first after working my arse off in a job where I look after others

The subject was actually raised a few months ago by my MIL with regards to hers and my FIL's future care. I shut it down with 'Oh I've got LOADS planned when I retire, I really won't have the time but I can help to sort Carers for you both' she replied 'Oh...er..right'

The kids thing is the OP’s problem - choosing to have children twenty years apart means that child-rearing years stretch to almost 40 years. I think that was a bonkers choice to make, but the OP seems ok with that. She’ll be over 60 before the last one is fledged - no wonder she’s had her fill of being a carer.

There’s always the probability of grandchildren, and a possible expectation that she will provide some childcare there. When/ if that time comes, she’ll have to choose whether or not to extend her caring years for that. If she chooses to do so, that also becomes her problem.

The in-laws thing is emphatically not the OP’s problem. If her husband wants to become a full time carer for ageing parents, that’s up to him - the OP doesn’t have to agree, and if he won’t compromise about moving in with them, they may have to live apart until his parents die. The husband needs to understand this clearly and urgently before he commits to it.

This. Have you considered leaving him if he refuses to remain living separately from his parents? I bloody would.

I didn't choose to take on PiLs and moving in with them and everything

I'm really not understanding where you are getting this from?

Has anyone actually said you WILL be moving in and caring for them?

And even if they have, why are you not saying no??

I really do not understand how women get into these situations, moan, get depressed.... but equally don't do anything about it.

You have your own free will.

Stop being a wet blanket and speak up

I have a friend whose father in law came to live with them. Guess who is doing the lion share of looking after him including personal care. Yup not her husband.