Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Yabu to not bring a present to a birthday party

Who told you this was wrong? All seems fine to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

The only thing there you did wrong was to not bring a gift

How did this person end up giving you a rundown of all the things you did wrong though?? That’s very odd, and very rude!

It is the norm to take a present.

It sounds like you were great and proactive at supporting your child but I also think that if your child needs that much support, you need to stay in the room, not keep stepping out yourself

There’s a lot in your post, but a birthday present is almost always required. If you’re not sure what to get, a book or book token is good or something pretty much all children might like - stomp rocket, little science or craft set etc.

I’d say YABU to bring a present (it’s social co vent ion to bring a present to a birthday party, even if it’s just a book/bag of sweets/£5 in a card).

The rest of it I wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at to be honest. How old is your DD?

Im 😨 that one of the other mums took it upon herself to tell you that you were ‘inappropriate’ - I honestly wouldn’t know how to respond to that! What did you say?

The only thing wrong I pick up on is no gift, even a fiver in the card or a bag of sweets would be better than nothing at all. The other things I don't quite understand what was wrong, obviously people don't know you and your daughter are autistic and that is the norm for youm

The only thing that sounds wrong was not bringing a gift, if you didn't know what to buy you put money or a voucher in the card, you don't just go empty handed. I personally don't care if people don't bring gifts to my kids parties when they're school friends who don't know them etc but I know it bothers others and social conventions mean we have to bring them!

Present... stick a fiver in a card if you can afford it. Or a £1 packet of sweets. If you really can't afford it its rude to comment on it.

Hovering... you know your child. You make it sound a bit helicoptery, but sometimes parents actually do need to helicopter.

Taking a breather... People without sensory problems won't understand this!

Small talk... again people without the difficulties don't understand this. Due to a misunderstanding it was presumed I didn't understand English at one point, so no small talk required at school gate and it was bliss. (I am English... we had returned from living abroad!!)

Not bringing a gift is a definite no no, even just a book token or something small is fine but apart from this you did nothing wrong as far as I'm concerned. If your child is autistic you may need to 'hover' more than other parents. I think the person telling you all this was just being nasty, are they aware you are autistic? Not that you should have to disclose this but it might help.

Other than not bringing a present, I can't see any issues. Do the parents/children know about your, and your DCs autism, because if so, they're being ridiculous.

My close friend is autistic and will often suggest days out that I know that they will ultimately find overwhelming. They start out okay but pretty early in the crowd, noise or lighting get to them. When I suggest quieter options for things to do, they reject them as 'boring', but end up needing a few days to recover from the overstimulation of their choice.

I think the only one of those 'issues' that could be dealt with another time is taking a birthday present if you are invited to a party - just choose something your DD would like, and the birthday girl will probably also like it. Or, if you're really not sure what to buy, put say £5 in with the card so they can choose their own small gift.

Everything else is your choice and how you prefer to handle a social occasion for yourself and on behalf of your DD so that everyone (you and those around you) is happy.

What kind of arsehole comes up to another adult and gives them a fucking list of stuff they (think) they did wrong?

I would have told her to go fuck herself and not give it a second thought.

I'm autistic and struggle with these things too.

But, no matter how rude some people might find your behaviour. They were ruder for telling you about it like that. I doubt you were actually rude.

1. Money is tight, not everyone can afford a gift right now.

1. You were there for your DD not to make friends.

1. I would have done the same, my DD is also Autistic with adhd thrown in, her behaviour can be unpredictable.

1. You do what you need to do, when my DD was in the NICU the nurses mentioned in my notes that I was hardly there which was unusual for a new mum. I was so overwhelmed I could only many an hour or so at a time. They put it in my notes instead of asking me if I was OK. That made me feel like shit. No one knows your circumstances.

1. Fuck them. Honestly. Some people just like making others feel like shit.

It seems to me that you found a judgement bullying arsehole who picked up on your insecurities and realised you probably wouldn't argue back.

I'm sorry this happened to you x

The non present was a no-no. The rest sounds ok. Unless j you going in and out was particularly disruptive.

Small talk - other people generally like to talk. Just ask something like "how are they settling in?" is fine.

Did you ask your friend for feedback or was this unsolicited?

She had a point with number 1. Other than that no (unless for point 5 your top was obscene or carried an offensive slogan).

Can I ask how this conversation about your alleged shortcomings came about?

I'd say the other parent was far worse for being so rude and telling you all of that.

For future parties, a gift is normally expected unless expressly stated not to bring one. However book token in the card or if short of money just a £1 book from works is absolutely fine at that age.

Do you have anyone else who can take dd to parties so you only need to manage her sensory needs, rather than both of yours? Just thinking, you needing to leave might have been more disruptive than you realised. Equally if you don't have any one else, your dd shouldn't miss out and you should keep doing what you are doing. Do you use any ear plugs? My son (has asd) uses flare audio ear plugs, doesn't stop you hearing everything but makes background noises far less overwhelming.

Sorry someone was so rude to you. Parties have so many extra challenges when you are neuro divergent, you really didn't need that as well.

Who was the other mum and why did she approach you to tell you this?

How old is your Dd?

Present - always take a gift unless you really can't afford it. Even if it's a £1 packet of sweets/chocolate or a fiver in the card. Doesn't have to be expensive. £5 gift is enough especially if not a close friend.

Not talking to other parents and leaving the room in and off may make you seem unfriendly but it's not overly unusual for a parent to avoid small talk either sometimes. But better to have some small talk topics at hand just to break the ice - Even if just asking superficial questions about others such as the weather, their half term plans, etc.

Helping your Dd manage her first party isn't an issue especially if she has additional needs and it's to prevent her or others being hurt and upset.

I'd say that 1 is fair enough, it's normally customary to bring a present for the birthday child when you've been invited to a party, it doesn't need to be very expensive and some people give money or vouchers when they're not sure what to buy.

1. Im not sure if the other parents understand that you are autistic but I think this is part of your personality and as long as you don't ignore anyone and smile and say hello and goodbye to people at the start and the end and thank the hosts for inviting you then it's fine.

1. You know your child best and how they will cope in that environment so I think you behaved reasonably there.

1. Similarly I think you did what you had to do to manage your own feelings in that environment which is reasonable

1. I've no idea what would be wrong with a top and jeans at a kids birthday party.

I don't know if it would be worth mentioning to the other parents that both you and dd have autism but equally it's not really their business and you don't have to share anything that you aren't comfortable sharing.

It would be customary to bring a gift, even if you're not sure what they like.

Everything else you have listed sounds absolutely fine to me. I'm surprised that someone has raised these things with you. I wouldn't have an issue with a parent at my child's birthday party doing any of the things that you have listed here.

Who has said this to you? Is this other mum a friend? The host of the party? I don't really agree with what she's said to you. I would be wary of her "advice" in future.

I don't think not taking a present is even all that bad, especially if the kids are not especially close. People shouldn't expect gifts at these things at all.

How did they end up telling you all this?

The two things I'd say were wrong were no present and stepping outside the room (unless you brought your dd with you as you say she needs supervision).

Hey op. You did a great job surviving s busy children's party when it's difficult for you.

It's customary to take along a gift albeit random crap and children seem to love opening them. Maybe opt for age appropriate books or something then it's not tat??

As for everything else, that's just the other mums opinion. If you changed everything you did to please that mum, you'd only end up giving another mum something else to think you should have done differently.

Honestly, take your daughter, take a gift, look after her as you see fit for her needs and yours. Step out if you need to - I'll hazard a bet some parents stepped out for a puff on a vape or a cigarette.....

And then go home and have a brew to decompress after the event!

I think the other mum was far more inappropriate to bring any of these things up with you and says far more about her than you.
There are always some children who need more attention from parents and there is always some parents who don't interact as much. These things are normal at any child party.
There is also always a variety of styles of dress amongst parents.
As for a present, it is usual for someone not to bring a present but at the same time it isn't something that should be brought up. It isn't actually compulsory and add a hosting parent, I wouldn't want someone to turn down an invite because they couldn't afford to buy a present.

Did she mean your clothes or your child's? Jeans and t shirt is very much the norm for many parents at a weekend, unless they were particularly revealing it had an inappropriate image or slogan on.