Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

It was very rude of you to not take a present to a child’s birthday. You pick something cheap up for that age range and bang, you’re done.

It’s also rude to ignore the other parents and keep disappearing off. You smile and say hello, introduce yourself, ask which their child is etc.

Even if you don’t say anymore that’s better than just being a presence in the room everyone has to pretend isn’t there because they clearly don’t want to interact with anyone.

So yes, YABVU and rude and although you might not understand why these are social norms, you are aware that they are, and so you should follow them.

I've been told in the past that I'm just using it as an excuse for my behaviour.

Who told you that? It will help other people to understand your behaviour.

I'm very interested to know who gave you such an indepth critique of your clothes and behaviour? You say it was just another mum and you say you don't really know anyone so how the fuck did all this unsolicited information come about?

The moment this woman raised point two then you should have made your excuses (or told her to fuck off!)

Why do you need to know what the child likes? Just by a book or lego or art stuff

A book is always a good gift OP.

The rest of her catalogue is rude and totally uncalled for.

Who the hell does she think she is.

Sounds like Amanda from Motherland. Passive aggressive as fuck.

Pretending to "help" when actually she's just a nasty cow.

She sounds really rude commenting on what you were wearing, that’s just nasty.

You should have definitely brought a gift, if unsure put money in a card. If you really can’t afford it, then £1 bag of sweets but if your DD has been invited to a party and you have got the money, then £5/£10 in card is appreciated and the ‘normal’ thing to do.

Also maybe sure you thank the parent for inviting DD if you didn’t already and say she had a lovely time.
If you’ve got the mums number, I’d text her a d say ‘thanks again for inviting DD, she had a lovely time. I hope …. enjoyed her party’.

With the small talk/talking to other parents, it’s understandable you struggle. Could you maybe think of a list of questions to ask for next time (put them in your phone incase you get stuck).

I’ve always found mentioning SN is a good way of getting parents to understand/good conversation starter. Lots of parents have similar DC and are usually happy to discuss with you what their child struggles with etc.
So along the lines of ‘I just took DD out for a minute as she’s autistic and the noise can get a bit much’. You’ll probably get other parents saying their DC struggles too with noise/something else which can be a good way to start a conversation.

What kind of power trip is that person on to send you a list!

It is very much the norm to bring a gift. Go to the pound shop or the range and pick up some token. It doesn’t need to cost much. Bubble blower, stretchy ball, craft bits, doesn’t have to be expensive.

however I would be mortified if a kid didn’t come to my kids party if they couldn’t afford a gift. I’d rather they came with no gift.

Fuck's sake. No-one would tell my dh off for not talking to other parents. Sexist bullshit.

Birthday child will be getting 29 other presents. They aren't going to miss a 30th.

If someone can't afford a gift, they shouldn't be excluded.

Person who told you all this is a prick.

The other parent was a nasty bitch.

Yep I agree with this. If you’re not sure what to get, give a little money or something simple like colouring books/pencils and sweets .

The other mum sounds rude to be so free and easy with her observations of you! FWIW, I’m NT and find parties overwhelming, stressful and not fun so you’re definitely not alone in needing some breathing space, I’ve faked a call before to take a breather! Sounds like you did your best to manage it for you and your DD 🙂

The only faux pas you made was not taking a present, the person who gave you a list of criticisms was incredibly rude.

I would buy a gift and give it/send it at earliest opportunity and apologise for not having it with you during the party.

On not talking to anyone - did you say hello to the hosts? I think it is expected to say hello and good bye and thank you to the birthday child's parents. But I think it's fine not to have done other chit chat if no one spoke to you

But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate did she just come up to you at the end and give you a run down of all your apparent shortcomings?!! What a nasty thing to do. I would struggle with a massive party like that.

Anyway the only thing I can see that would have been frowned upon is the no present, even a box of malteasers or a small book would have been ideal. But even then most people understand times are tough!

Totally missed the what you were wearing bit, seriously WTF 🤣
Who does she think she is?!
She's batshit.
Unless you were at the Ritz and expected in cocktail dresses, or wearing a t-shirt with something like fuck you" or "I love blow jobs" on it at the kid's party, wear what you bloody well like - who is she, the Fashion Police as well as self appointed Birthday Officer?!
😁

Agree that the only thing that was inappropriate was not bringing a gift. However, I recently had a party for my DD and one girl from the class didn't bring a gift. I know the family struggle, so I guess they just couldn't afford it and brought a card instead, and I was actually glad that the girl came along without a gift rather than not coming because the family were embarrassed at not being able to bring a gift.

You have to bring a gift it's definitely the norm. I solved all the other issues by sending my dh to every single party, generally he was the only man in the room so he got to stand or sit in a corner not interacting with the women. If I did that I'd most likely get some label or the other thrown at me.

Absolutely not.

Any parent throwing a party expecting everyone to bring a gift is a dick. Not everyone can afford a gift and usually people bring along more plastic shite that ends up in landfill anyway.

Fuck's sake. No-one would tell my dh off for not talking to other parents. Sexist bullshit. damn right. They'd probably either ignore him or try to flirt with him.

A gift is a must. If you don't know what to buy (or don't have time to buy a gift) then a fiver in a card will be appreciated by the child. People normally gift things that a 4/5 year old might like Lego, craft kit, book, board game...

When you left the room, the other adults might have thought that you wanted them to look out for dd. That's why it's deemed inappropriate.

However I'm gobsmacked that a school mum would list what you did wrong. That is more inappropriate than anything you did.

You were right to hover as your dd needs support. Your clothing is only inappropriate if you were wearing jeans in a swimming pool or something like that. You don't have to tell people about dd or your diagnosis and it sounds like she had a great time. Well done to both of you

I think the gift thing wasn't ideal but my son is having a big party next week. If he doesn't get a gift from one child I wouldn't mind as it could be a financial issue for the parent. I would still rather his friend came to the party than didn't.

My son is autistic so I totally understand why you were on hand to make sure your DD was ok. I am not sure I would even have noticed your clothes or coming in and out of the room. If I had I would have checked you were ok. I would say the parent doesn't understand your child needs you. What age is your DD? I would expect a young child to still want and need a parent around at a party.

Weird isn't if. Men are allowed to opt out.

But please don't worry about the no gift OP. Even that is a fairly minor social faux pas.

It's a kids party, not afternoon tea.

I don't want to be there. I have taken my kid to soft play birthday party things and set up with work or a book in the corner after a brief chat/ hello to the parent of the birthday kid and of course saying thankyou etc when leaving. I don't really care if other people think it's rude.

Very socially unacceptable to not take a gift, and pretty socially unacceptable to not even say “Hello, how are you, thanks for inviting us” type stuff.

The hovering may have been disruptive or distracting depending on the type of activity, but as long as they know your child needs a bit of support I’d expect people to make allowances.

How on earth did this conversation come up?

I think the other parent was way out of line to start telling you you did things "wrong". That's incredibly rude.

Of the things listed, only the present would be remotely an issue - it's usual to bring something, even if you put a river in a card or something like that. But in saying that, never go out of your way to give if you can't afford to.

My DS had a party in the summer and a couple of the guests didn't bring presents - I just assumed they needed the money for something else, didn't give it a moment's thought beyond that. DS didn't even notice. I'd much rather have the child turning up without a present than feeling that they had to spend money they didn't have, or not coming.