Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Well done to your husband he's a star.
And shows he loves you.
As for the horrible person hopefully she's learnt a lesson.
You did nothing wrong move on from this now and be happy with your beautiful daughter and husband.
Xx

Ok so the random mum who told u all that stuff is just an absolute bitch. Do not engage in conversation with her again. What she did was bloody weird and so so rude! You did absolutely nothing wrong. It is unusual not to bring a gift and that's the only thing I can see that wld may make people talk. For all she knew though u cld have put money in the card!

I'm so glad though ur dh had a word and I hope that bitch feels awful about it. I doubt it though.

Was this woman the party child’s mum or just another guest?
it’s odd to mention what she felt was inappropriate. Sounds like she should’ve been watching her child more and chatting to other mums more rather than watching you!!
As for a gift, while it’s tradition to take a gift to a party, it’s incredibly rude to tell someone off who didn’t! There could be so many reasons for someone not bringing one … money is tight right now and if someone couldn’t afford a present I would still rather their child came to the party without a gift than them feel ashamed so not come at all.
I almost can’t believe someone would make a list about someone else and give it to them, it’s so incredibly rude … does make me wonder a little if this is real.. Not saying it’s not, but her attitude is unbelievable!
sounds like your husband handled her well in the playground after school! Good for him… hopefully she was adequately embarrassed … I mean who does she think she is!!!
If she apologises, I’d say ‘thank you for apologising… I found the fact you were watching me throughout the party rather than your child very inappropriate & rude. … couldn’t have been easy to ‘watch you’ so much in a room full of kids and parents. Weird actually! At parties I barely notice what others are doing.
As for small talk with other parents… in year R I used to simply ask which child was theirs and how they were settling in.. then tried to praise the teacher etc.. ask if anyone fancies meeting at the park at weekends/half terms so kids can play…
I hope other parents tell this other mother how rude she was when she attempts to tell them what she did to you… bet she was the playground bully at school… actually sounds like she still is!

Good for him but dont let her feel like you can't go to the school to get the child. Ignore her at the pick up she's obviously got nothing better to do with her time and is a bully quite frankly

Nothing sounds unreasonable there. Sorry but surely no parent who's invited the whole class actually wants 30 presents, and who has the spare money these days, that's hugely assumptive! Feels a bit grabby to invite kids you don't really know and expect a gift. Everything else is personal opinion and if I were you I wouldn't stress about the opinion of one individual.

You should have brought a gift and the other issues are hers. Other mums can start up small talk but I find the rarely do. Ear plugs next time and a gift for the birthday child.

Loved your DH's response! 💪💪

Really sweet your dd was excited to give the gift. That's the main point of the gift, really - that your child learns that's it's nice to give as well as take.

Something really odd going on with that other mum. Why is she so obsessed with you? It's like she's jealous, or something. Best avoid her in future, if possible.

Exactly this would be my worst nightmare. I would be happy with a card the child had made. The main focus of parties isn't the gifts. It's so children can have fun. If they want to give a anything a couple of quid in a card is fine.

@Bananabr3ad
The mum who said all this is rude and a bully. She is not worth you wasting any more of your time on. Some people are just mean or like to put others down.
Your DH responded perfectly.
You did exactly the right thing taking little breaks when you needed to, and still keeping an eye on your daughter.

I hope your DD enjoyed the party and others in future.

And glad that the kids seemed happy with the gift exchange.

The rude woman sounds like a horrible bully. I think it's more a question of her seeing you as a possible target, and then 'smelling blood' further when you apologized repeatedly, than of anything that you did wrong. Now that she sees that your dh is there backing you up, I hope she will lay off you. Frankly, I'm sorry for her child!

Good for your dh!

Hovering
or
”stepping out” frequently

which is it op?

Endlesslysurprised84 · Today 10:23
Hovering
or
”stepping out” frequently

I know just what the OP means. It isn’t either or.

which is it op?

Endlesslysurprised84· Today 10:23
Hovering
or
”stepping out” frequently
which is it op?

Sorry, “Which is it op?” was Endlesdly’s question.

Confused @ScrollingLeaves . You have confused me!

the op says that she was hovering but then also leaving the room regularly.

cant really be accused of hovering in one breath and then constantly leaving the room in the next

Can’t believe anyone commented.
Bring a present. Cheap pack of felt pens or similar is fine. I often kept gifts to recycle.

Probably wouldn’t want to hover but odd to comment; you know your kid. Equally ok I think to say to host I am reading a book outside, just call me if DC needs anything.

I found by halfway through reception parents didn’t want to stay anyway, just left number.

Cant understand what’s wrong with any clothes unless they are some sort of religious fundamentalists??!

Endlesslysurprised84 · Today 16:56
Confused @ScrollingLeaves . You have confused me!

the op says that she was hovering but then also leaving the room regularly.

cant really be accused of hovering in one breath and then constantly leaving the room in the next

You can alternate. Hover uncomfortably. Go out for a bit. Come back and hover some more …. and on it goes until the end of the party.I’ve done it.

Hovering as in being near by but not really feeling a true part of everything.

I rarely reply on here but why are 19 percent of people posting that the OP is unreasonable? Give this poor woman a break!

If you think that was all fine maybe you need an assessment yourself

You should take a present you don't need to spend loads for my DD's birthday some parents put £5 in her card if they had no idea what to get -she got loads of craft or making things sets which is similar to what I gift unless I know something particular that child likes!

I think after 29 pages of virtually the same comments, OP is aware that she should have taken a present.

Not only is she aware; she actually got a present for her child to give the birthday child at school.

I disagree. There's no should. Nice if you can afford it but we should all accept it's not essential