Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

@YellowTreeHouse your reply is very rude and inconsiderate of the fact that both OP and her DD are neurodiverse and
may find that all these social scenarios you so rudely point out are obvious social norms, very difficult.

We don't know for sure that OP didn't say hello, and it goes both ways in terms of trying to engage with parents. If I was hosting a party and saw a mum there I didn't know I would make the effort to say hello and include them. I know I can find it hard to just go and get chatting to all the mum cliques that know each other and don't make any effort to include anyone else.

I can guarantee if it was a dad who didn't engage with the other mums that were there, no one would have batted an eyelid let alone said this to him 🤦‍♀️

Exactly what
I was thinking. How did she know you hadn't brought a gift? Was she making an inventory? FFS. I am autistic with two autistic DC. It sounds like you and DD did just fine. Remember to give even a small present next time, though.

This woman isn't your friend..

I would say she is extremely rude for your failings in her eyes.

I would avoid her.

You can't do right for wrong.. you are close to Dd but leaving the room.... she is bonkers

I am sorry you have had this OP. I would be very open and honest with the bitchy woman!

Hi
I just thought I should shed some light on what you perceived as inappropriate behaviour. Firstly though, I accept I should have bought a gift but as this is my first child I was not sure of protocol.

Secondly, and this answers all of your further points, both DD and I are autistic. This sometimes makes us both act in ways that others may find unusual. I am happy to meet up and chat about how that impacts us if you would like further information. It's a learning curve for me and I am very much out of my comfort zone.
Thanks
OP

Yes, and to do such a forensic break down afterwards sounds like they were more interested in the OP and what she was doing that they were in anyone else and the party which is inappropriate, appalling bad manners and hypocritical.

Who the hell does this person think they are?

This is truly bizarre.

But no one spoke to her either. She's the new Mom. Why didn't Judgey Mom come and make small talk instead of waiting til the end to give OP a lecture on all the ways she's failed her child.

Sorry OP but who the f does she think she is? You did nothing wrong except the present bit for all this woman knows you'd put a fiver in a card which is fine.

Stupid cow. Her not you.

Well done for taking your dd. Birthday parties are sensory hell.

You done nothing wrong. The no gift part well I always just put money in a card. However the mum who pulled you up on this was a dick. 1) How did she know there wasn't money in the card? 2) She has no right to stick her nose in for all she knows you could have used your last £1 to buy the card.

Times are tough. There's nothing wrong with turning up with just a card. I would hate to think of someone struggling with money and buying a gift for my child if it was their party.

This other mum is not your friend.

Most of this seems totally fine and typical, though I would always take a present personally, something a £1 bag of sweets would be well
received (at least by my kids) if budget is a factor.

A small gift, book or £5 in a card is expected, but at a whole class party I'm surprised anyone really noticed!

Not everyone finds small talk easy. Even if you are feeling anxious then just smiling and saying hi would be 'appropriate'.

The mum giving you this list of everything you did wrong sounds a bit odd though!

You're clothes were probably fine unless it was a Cradle of Filth t-shirt or jeans with 'sexy' written across the bum in diamante.

It is normal to give a present-even if it's just a packet of sweets from the pound shop.
I did notice once that a child hadn't given a present (or someone else had pinched it I suppose), but that was entirely because dd was very keen on writing at that point (didn't last long!) and she wrote every child an individual note thanking them for their specific present. Dd wrote a "thank you for being at my party" note, and I hoped that they hadn't given a present that was lost and were insulted at not being thanked for it. Wasn't at all bothered and would have been far more upset if one of the other parents had brought it up with the parent in question.

The not speaking, did you come in and say "hello" to the birthday parent and take your child over to say "thank you for a lovely party" at the end? If that's what she mean then she has a little point. Again, I don't think I'd have noticed if a child/parent hadn't, but it is normal etiquette.

I'm wondering if 3 and 4 are linked. If you needed to hover because of potential behaviour, but then also were going outside and leaving your child behind then she could be wondering why you were hovering or if while you were outside there were issues to be dealt with then they might think you shouldn't go outside.

If you were taking your child with you (which I'd understand as a break would be good for them too) then I can't see why it would bother anyone.

Only think I can think of on the wearing (assuming you not the child) is that there was a slogan on your t-shirt that was offensive. Did one time have a dad turn up to pick up at a party at the age when the children were beginning to read and spell things out with things on that you definitely wouldn't have wanted them spelling out and asking what they meant. Although actually the accompanying picture was almost as bad.

What I used to do with my dc who had ASD is that I knew he had about 45 minutes before he got overstimulated, so I'd speak quietly to the party mum beforehand and either arrange to come late, or let her know that I'd take him out for a break after 45 minutes. Parents were really understanding about it and would let me know which was the better option for them. I had one that suggested he came and set out the party room with her after 45 minutes which was really kind of her because he was able to calm down in a quiet room and still feel like he was part of the party.

Hi there
I won’t add to the great advice on here but just wanted to add what a great job you are doing for your daughter by tackling theses situations which are so hard.
The lady who spoke with you was exceptionally rude.
Also if I was hosting such a party, and you were comfortable to do so, I would really value you telling me that you and your daughter were autistic. I would try and engage you to find out what might help - seeing if the venue has a quiet space, even something like giving you a job to do so you could get out of the small talk! But I would love to be aware of it so that I could see if there was anything to make you more comfortable.

Whatever minor social missteps you made are 1000x less that that of the woman who admonished you. What a clod she must be.

Don't let it get you down.

Very rude to give you this list if unsolicited. I agree that a gift is the norm. Ideally you would try to chat to some of the parents (try a question so they can talk about themselves) but I wouldn't get worked up over it. The rest is nonsense.

In the current climate I think it's incredibly rude to point out someone not bringing a gift. We have no idea what's going on behind the scenes and if a child's parent can't afford on then the child shouldn't miss out.

OP I think the other mother was very inconsiderate to give you this break down.

I'm curious about your clothes though.

One issue I can see here is the gift, but how did the nosy rude parent know you didn’t put cash in the card? I’m going to a party today siblings, big age difference, one is getting a generic girly present the other cash in the card. Saying that I have had parties and only revived a card. I couldn’t tell you which children these came from though as I don’t keep score. There are times I’ve given nice expensive presents when I’ve had money, other times £5 in a card. My DDs love getting £5 in their cards.

Everything else was absolutely fine. Honestly ignore whoever spoke to you. There is a mum in my Yr6 DDs class who has never spoke to anyone at the school gate or parties, there are smiles and hellos but that’s it, she prefers to stand out of the way. No language barriers before anyone starts, she is a 1st responder, regularly in uniform, I’ve just taken it as she wants to be left alone. Most of the Dads are the same, my DH included, at parties they tend to sit alone with their heads in their phones. No one judges them.

As for “hovering” around your DD, loads of parents do this. I went to a party a few weeks ago for 8yo, there were multiple parents hovering and helping their DCs especially around food time. The only help my DD got was me pouring her a drink, but that was only because several parents had poured drinks only for the jug lid to fall off and the whole jug pour everywhere.

I also don’t see an issue with going outside. I’ve done it myslelf, no diagnosed sensory issues but I do get overwhelmed with noise sometimes. I started wearing earplugs which have helped.

Basically the only rude person is the nosy parent. Next time just tell her to mind her business and jog on.

Maybe people didn't realise/know that you're autistic and so popping in and out may have looked like you were going out for regular cigarette breaks? (something I wouldn't find particularly appropriate at a child's party?)
That's the only thing I can think of. Other than not bringing a present, it sounds like you did really well xx

How odd that one of the other mums pointed out all these things about you. That's so rude and uncalled for. How did she know you didn't bring a present?
Nothing wrong with your actions, except maybe a wee token gift next time

I think its really rude that someone actually stopped and gave you such a long list of what you did "wrong" at the end!! I'd be fuming. I find birthday parties hard and often don't interact with other parents unless they initiate because I'm really socially anxious and find small talk awkward. I guess it could be seen as rude not to bring a gift but not everyone may be able to afford it and you were thoughtful to bring a card. Sounds like you did great 😊

Oh and good for you putting yourself totally out of your comfort zone for your DD benefit, amazing parenting 😊

I also want to know what encouraged this other mum to share her feedback, it’s very bizarre.

A few people asked, DD is 4, 5 in December.

I just wore some blue jeans, a plain red top and a black cardigan. Very similar to most of the other parents.

The small talk, I said hello to the host, and when we left I said thank you for inviting us, that DD had a lovely time and that the party was great. That we would see her at the school next week. I wasn't ignoring anybody, I tried to be polite and smile when I made eye contact with somebody. Nobody initiated conversation with me either but if they had I would have tried my best to participate.

If me leaving was disruptive I can understand the frustration but the party wasn't really structured. There was a bouncy castle and things to play on, craft tables, a dance floor area. I mostly stayed closer to the exit just in case I needed to leave for a moment but a lot of parents were in that general area . Also I didn't feel like I hovered, and if I did have to leave I always made sure I could see DD from where I was outside. There were parents coming and going all throughout the party. One stood outside the entire time.

The other parent who said all of this isn't a friend, but her DD is the only other child who went to the same nursery as mine so I recognised her more than the other parents. Me and DH took DD to the playground and she was there and decided to let me know. I didn't really know how to respond. I just apologised and said I didn't mean to be rude. I assumed that it had come from the host as I have seen the two of them speaking a lot at the school gates. But I don't know that for certain.

Definitely not okay to go to a kids bday and not take a gift, that was rude of you. You can buy a kids book in Poundland and some colouring pencils and wrap them up.

The rest of it sounds fine 🤷‍♀️

Whoever gave you a list of where you went wrong needs a middle finger though 😉

Did a mum genuinely come up to you and give you a detailed critique of your behaviour op? I suspect it's more a case of you worrying about things based on small chance remarks.
If it really happened like this then she is a bit of a cow to say the least.

1. Gift, it is usual to bring a gift but honestly from whole class parties they get so much that nobody would notice usually. I couldn't give a shit whether somebody bought my dc a present as long as he enjoyed their company.

1. If you didn't actively blank somebody then you're fine. Some people find social situations easier than others. No big deal either way.

1. Stepping in when your dd needed you, completely normal and responsible.

1. Stepping outside for a few minutes is absolutely fine but maybe make sure somebody in the party knows where to find you if dd needs you?

1. What you wore?? Jeans and a top is fine, there's no dress code. Perhaps if you wore your pyjamas or an OTT cocktail dress then people might raise an eyebrow.

Was your top quite revealing? Are you quite young? I suppose if you are then that could account for some of the comments?

And finally I would say that a huge huge part of etiquette is not pointing out others perceived shortcomings.

eg I think a host/hostess gift is appropriate etiquette - but it’s FAR worse to comment on the lack of a gift than to not bring one!