Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Only thing I think was wrong was no gift. You could've messaged the parent beforehand to ask what sort of things the child likes or put a fiver in a card. I have ADHD so my opinion is in that context.

For presents - if you have somewhere like the works or other cheapy book place you can get 10 books for £10 and it looks like they are getting a more expensive present. You can’t really go wrong with a book.

it is the norm to bring a present even just a token bar of chocolate etc but if you have a quiet word with the mum and say you are new to this but know for next time.

it may be worth sharing that your daughter is autistic with a few trusted people as you are with these parents for the next seven years if you have started reception at school. But then how you parent is nobody else’s business

I'm so sorry you've had such negative feedback. I'm not sure what gives this person the right to tell you all this. It's just her opinion. It is usual to bring a present to a party but not a big deal not to either in my opinion.

Re the present - my DD who is a Primary School Teacher with 2 young DDs herself swears by a birthday card and a book as a present for kiddies parties - easy to do and doesn’t break the bank.
Don’t feel guilty for taking a card, you did what you felt was right and that’s it! Also, you don’t have to make small talk with others if you don’t want to do. As long as your DD has a good time that’s all that matters x

Hi OP, I've read your posts and skim-read the thread, so apologies if I'm saying the same as someone else.

Most people at our school did whole-class parties in the Reception year, to help the kids get to know each other (and the parents too), so there will probably be quite a few more for your DD.
I kept a box of generic gifts, a few PlayMobil boxed figures, £5 Lego sets etc, with a stack of appropriate birthday cards, and gift bags.

As time went on and friendship groups formed, subsequent birthdays were much smaller, with 5-10 friends invited. By then we knew the children, so found it easier to choose a gift, but generic ones were still fine. Sometimes I'd ask the parents what the child liked when RSVPing to the party, to get a guide for a present.

By 8/9 some just have a day out/activity with a few friends, while others still do a whole class thing.

The big parties seem to start up again when they reach their teens and have multiple social groups, but by then the kids are leading the plans so you don't have to figure it out for them.

My 11yo is autistic & adhd, and I needed to 'hover' like you when he was smaller. Many people are oblivious to others' differences, so it can be helpful to explain a little, as they often misinterpreted his behaviour.

It's worth making the effort to attend if your DD wants to/or is ambivalent - if you don't go a few times they may stop inviting her, which can lead to difficulties at school as those left out of one activity are often left out of others too.
Maybe your DH can take her to the next one!

My DS found parties tricky and didn't join in, so the invitations dwindled away and then stopped. He hasn't been to any birthday party for a few years, but likewise only has a couple of friends to his own (and on their birthdays they did activities he didn't like).
It's a fine balance between feeling left out and accepting he didn't actually like going anyway. His brother loves the social aspect, but can't cope with the noise, so finds parties pretty difficult too.

It sounds to me like you handled the party fine, and now you know about the present expectation, it should be smooth sailing next time. Fingers crossed the overbearing mum keeps her rude and unnecessary opinions to herself next time!

Yep 👍

The other woman was rude as fuck!y

Yes, it's social convention to take a present - I think of it as a golden rule always to take a gift if someone invites you somewhere - birthday present if it's a birthday party, flowers or wine to a dinner party, fairy cakes to a tea party etc.

What I would do in yoir situation is send dd to school with a wrapped present and send a quick text to the child's mum to say thank you for the party, sorry dd forgot to take child's present with her to the party so she's taking it school with her instead.

What a great post Happychicken.

Wow, there is a lot of responses! Thank you to everybody who was kind enough to explain things to me. I appreciate all of the advice and it helps a lot.

We did end up getting a gift for the birthday child. We decided on a craft set, a book and some chocolate - thanks again for all of the suggestions. I brought them to pickup yesterday and let DD give the gift bag to the birthday child which she was excited to do. Birthday child seemed to be happy with the surprise present and their mum thanked us so I hope that has been resolved now.

The rude mum is still being rude and I just couldn't handle it today because I was already overwhelmed. I asked DH to handle pickup and he apparently had a word. He said something along the lines of "its one thing to let somebody know about a general expectation but its just cruel and weird to take detailed notes of somebodys mannerisms and berate them for behaving a little differently. I know we're at a school right now but you're an adult so maybe start acting like one." He said she laughed a bit and scoffed but left pretty quickly after that.

I'm hoping it will be enough to make her leave me alone now.

Omg brilliant! Stupid cow 🐮

That all sounds good @Bananabr3ad Hat’s off to your husband who seems to have handled it very well 🙂

Your DH sounds brilliant.

The fact she scoffed shows that her motives for saying what she did was not out of any genuine concern for you or the birthday child. She sounds like a truly awful person and you've had bad luck meeting her in the first place. People like that are toxic. Keep your distance from her. If she tries to 'explain'/'apologise' to you, please be very careful to be civil but walk away. Do not give this woman an opportunity to ever cross the line with you again. Keep your distance from her. She won't add anything to your life.

What a lovely husband.

Good for him - I hope it all settles down and she leaves you alone.

You did nothing wrong. In fact I think you were admirable!
You acted the same way I do, and I'm not autistic!

Aww you've got a keeper there. Hopefully she'll do one.

Good for him. He is a keeper.

I think your DH is brilliant!!!! Way to go Mr@Bananabr3ad !!!

Onwards and upwards now for you too @Bananabr3ad 😉

That's great, op. That sounds like a lovely present and will be much appreciated.

Well done to your husband!

Wow that all sounds like a fantastic resolution. The gift sounds lovely and what your dh said was absolutely spot on! I hope you’re feeling more at ease now. 😊

Who on earth would be so rude as to point out all your perceived "flaws" (5!!!) in that way? This woman needs to have a good look at herself. She was beyond rude actually. Be yourself, as long as you're not hurting anyone I don't see what's the issue.

Your husband articulated that argument very well.

Pleased that the gift went down well 😊

I hope future parties go well for you and DD.

Please continue that horrible woman.

She was rude again even after the gift?! Incredible. But go husband!! Keeper. OP please totally and literally ignore the cow bag on any future school pick ups. She does not deserve a second of your attention. X

Well done to your husband and I hope the stupid cow learnt her lesson. What a stupid hypocrite, she has a go at you for being rude but she is incredibly rude herself.

Your dh sounds amazing. Rude mum is awful and you have done everything right.