Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

I definitely would have taken a gift, but otherwise I don’t see why this other woman decided to dissect your ‘performance’. What is she, the Children’s Party Critic for The Sunday Times?

The thing about what you were wearing is so weird, like what the hell was everyone else wearing- was it a black tie event?

Could it actually be a jealousy issue ie you have a great figure and some other mums are jel? Unfortunately some people really are that spiteful

The person telling you all this was far more inappropriate than anything you did!

Next time just stick a fiver/tenner/book voucher in a card - job done.

Re gifts- surely at most parties there is so much going on that it's not really noticed if not everyone brings a gift? And surely most adults are empathic enough to realise that if there is no gift there might be a good reason for that?

The woman pointing out your perceived shortcomings is an absolute arsehole.

In the present economic climate, I wouldn’t be annoyed or upset that you didn’t bring a gift. The child or mother may not even notice. I had many parties for my 2 DC and quite honestly a gift has never been expected. All the other things are totally out of order and unnecessary. Well done for doing something out of your comfort zone, to me you did really well.

It's the norm to take a present to a party, even if it's just a little token one like a fiver in a card .
It's bloody rude to say anything about it though, I've had loads of birthday parties over the years for my kids and I wouldn't dream of saying anything, it's nice to get presents but wouldn't expect one, very grabby!
(Although in this case it was another mum, to which what the hell has it got to do with her?!?
As for small talk you did nothing wrong, not everyone is outgoing.
The other mum saunds awful, you're best off ignoring her and staying away, not sure where she gets off telling you you're too quiet to be honest,so am I and I'd hate that - how's that going to make you "improve" and feel better lol?!
Ignore the cow

The social norm is to bring a present. If in doubt a craft related item works well, either a kit, or felt tip pens or whatever.

Did your top have a picture or words on it? I can't see that jeans and a top could be inappropriate unless the top had skulls, or blood, or adult themes.

Small talk helps, but other can initiate too. e.g. 'This is good' 'What are your plans for half term' etc. People 'expect' some effort, so unless you are open with your autism they may think you are being standoffish.

The other stuff was you being a good Mum / coping yourself.

Point 1 and 2, I think you were wrong. It's rude not to speak to anyone else and just makes you look awkward awkward unfriendly. Always take a gift.
The rest was fine, although no one knows that you both are autistic so may have come across rude to everyone else. How did the other mum bring this up to you?

I am gobsmacked at another parent getting in touch with you specifically to reel off a load of "wrongdoings". Who the hell does she think she is. As PP have said, bring a small gift to the next party, but ignore the rest of her stupid list.

It was a bit mean of you to not take a Birthday Gift even you just went to Pound land and got a bag of jellies. No one was expecting the £300 latest gadget.
You must be close enough to the mum who said somethings were in appropriate for her to be able to say that to you. You surely have to build up a Relationship with people before they can be totally honest. Many people wouldn't even say what she said to you to their best friend.

You managed the best way you can for what must have been a sensory overload. Next time take a small generic gift for the child, pencils and an art book or a puzzle if you don't know the child well. Try to let your child work out how to interact themselves if you can, unless they are hurting another child or disrupting the party.
I think you did well to go, a few adjustments should make it easier in the future.

Other than not taking a gift (as above, cash or book voucher a safe bet) you did nothing wrong and this other person sounds horrible.

I have an autistic son so I understand the 'hovering ' thing, I did this too when he was young and I could keep an eye out to spot potential triggers for him, or see when he was getting anxious, and get him out of the situation before he had a meltdown. Most parents probably didn't know he was autistic, so may also have thought I was over protective.

Kids birthday parties are a nightmare anyway, cliquey parents, very hard to make small talk if you don't know anyone. I am relieved my son is now old enough so say he just doesn't want to go.

Don't spend any time worrying about what this person said, they were very rude.

I'm quite shocked that it seems to such a big no for not bribing a gift.

I would hate for a child to miss out on a party because the parents couldn't afford a gift and didn't want to appear rude so didn't take them.

Is also feel bad for the birthday child who had one less person at the party.

Gifts are nice but shouldn't be expected.

I'm not articulating this well, 2 children could possibly miss out due to some being scared of appearing rude.

Let's normalise not judging.

Well done OP! You did really well.
How do you find the mum who told you everything you did wrong? Is she generally a supportive friend, or is she a random that decided to take it on herself to educate you?

• Not bringing a gift. Next time put £5 in the card. It will be appreciated.

1. Not talking to the other parents. That's fine.

If someone speaks to you, answer and maybe say 'sorry I find this a bit overwhelming/sorry I find small talk hard'.

1. Hovering around DD. You did really well. The other person doesn't know your DD as well and doesn't realise what you averted. You helped DD enjoy herself, that's great.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. Absolutely fine. Other people will go out for fag breaks or to take a call. It's totally normal to need space.

1. What I was wearing. There may be a bit more to this, but I'd not worry much. Were you flashing skin? Did you have a weird logo or a skull and blood tattoo type image?

Well done on surviving your first party. There's only a few years of them, you get to leave them and walk away later, or they get smaller and not so 'whole class'.

You can fix the gift issue by sending a present in on Monday and say you forgot and left it behind on the day of the party.

YANBU for point 2 onwards but YWBVU not to take a gift! But one and take it to the parent tomorrow and say sorry I forgot it at the party

I think the other mum was incredibly rude-did she just give you a rundown of what she thought you did wrong? Bloody hell! I’d give her back a right mouthful, who is she to tell you off like a naughty child? I’d say not taking a gift was the only poor move.

Thank you, I didnt know that you were supposed to bring a gift even if you didn't know the child or what the child likes. I knew people did bring gifts but not that it was an expectation. I will definitely do it in future.

I haven't disclosed my own diagnosis. A couple of the parents know about DD but I don't think the mum who made the remarks knows. I'm reluctant to say that I am autistic because I've been told in the past that I'm just using it as an excuse for my behaviour. I try very hard to mask my symptoms because I know it makes people uncomfortable and I don't want me being the way I am to stop DD from having the opportunity to go to parties etc.

I agree. I would have loved to have hear the other side to this.

How is what you're wearing any of her business? Unless you rocked up in a bikini I wouldn't even give a second thought.

Yes, you should have taken a small present but the rest of it is ridiculous. Was she following you around and making notes? Tell her to sod off...

I agree.

What were you wearing OP? Jeans and top but what kind?
All seems very odd.

How old is your child ?

Next party card with a fiver in.

Who on earth was this person telling you what you've done wrong ?

I’m what context did the other mum let you know all these things? I think it was very rude of her. You acted appropriately for you and your dd and if that’s not the social ‘norm’ then that’s her problem and not yours.
I have had my children parties and not everyone has bought a gift- that’s absolutely fine, it was not expected by me or my dc. It is usual so maybe you could do that next time. Cost wise between £5-£10 is usual and just buy something that your dd would like.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world and we are all doing our best - criticising other peoples parenting is just wrong and rude.

3 and 4 seem a little contradictory - you felt you needed to hover a bit around DD which seems perfectly reasonable but you also felt you could could leave her in there so you could go outside?

5 they can get fucked.

1 is the only actual faux pas.