Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Woman is rude and is best avoided, you have my permission OP 😂

ignore her and be proud of yourself for going and don’t question yourself, keep being you

You should've popped some money in a card if you didn't know what the child might like.

Other than that, this is one of the weirdest threads ever in terms of someone just coming out with a great big list of what you did 'wrong'.

Ignore her.

You poor thing, OP. What an absolute bitch.
Aside from the present (and by the way, I get a book token as a gift for every party to avoid buying yet more tat that they don’t want or need), you did absolutely nothing wrong.

Do other parents know you are autistic OP? If I saw another mother whose body language seemed to insinuate that she didn’t want to speak or whatever, I might find it a little strange but if I know it was ASD, I’d probably make more of an effort with you. But I still think that’s your absolute right, autistic or not.

Everything other than the gift is fine. I just put £5 in the card and a bar of chocolate or bag sweets. Other than that the only person in the wrong is the woman who took it upon herself to be a dick today. My DD has disabilities and I probably hover at parties but she needs it as yours does. What a rude woman!

It is usual to bring a gift (doesn't need to be anything big) but truthfully, nothing you did is even remotely as odd as sending someone a message listing the ways in which you feel their behaviour was inappropriate. There is an oddball here for sure, but it is not you. (If this is real.)

@Bananabr3ad you did absolutely nothing wrong.
While it is considered the norm to take a gift I doubt the birthday child cared or noticed that much. A whole class party of 30 is a LOT of presents. Also there are some families simply cannot afford a £1 bag of sweets.
Do you wear a sunflower lanyard? My daughter has one with the card attached that simply says "I Am Autistic". It can make a difference in people's attitudes (it shouldn't - but it does).
Maybe get one if you haven't got one.

Oh lovey. Yes to taking a gift, but the rest of it….you’ve just had the misfortune to have met a mean person. Try to forget about it xxx

I think they can rightly expect gifts! It is very expensive to do a kids party. The gifts are a small payback for the fun the guests are treated to surely.

The clearest thing in this story is that it is not ok for a mum you don’t much know to march over and give you unasked for feedback on your behaviour at the party. She is horrible. Some people are. 🤷‍♀️ Forget her.

Sounds to me like the host is sulking about you not bringing a present, had a big moan about things in general to her friend, and her friend was enough of a bitch to let you know. She’s probably hoping for drama.

For the next party, put £5-10 in an envelope with the card. Everything else you did was fine. And I helicopter parent too - my DD isn’t autistic (I think), but does find noise/strangers overwhelming and wants me next to her most of the time at parties, so round the room holding her figer I go. There are usually a couple of other parents doing similar, it’s common at age 4-5.

And by the way, I’ve thrown many kids parties and there’s always a couple less presents than there were guests. It would never occur to me to moan about it: I just assume either they’re struggling with money or they forgot. It isn’t a big deal to me or to most people.

You just met a couple of ‘mean girls’.

Blimey things have changed since my kids were little, there was no woman with clipboard giving feedback over parent behaviour in those days.

The only thing wrong was the gift, but even that is not something to worry about. Every year there is always someone who doesn't bring a gift, the birthday child doesn't notice and the BC's parent doesn't care, is quite pleased that that's one less piece of crap in the house. And to this day I don't remember which kids didn't bring gifts.

It seems really bizarre for some to approach you with a run down like this...their behaviour is quite odd.

Op I have a dp and a ds with asd. You did nothing ‘wrong’, but now you know it is expected to get a gift for any child’s birthday you attend

Nope.

You can either afford to host a party or not. It's not a present gathering exercise.

I think people are understanding more and more about asd op. I’m encouraging ds to self advocate. Recently someone told him he was rude and he hadn’t meant to be. I suggested next time he just say ‘I’m sorry if I did something that was a bit unexpected. I have ASD’.

If you or your child get to enjoy someone else's hospitality, it's rude to turn up empty handed.

In the same way most people would bring wine/flowers or something if they were invited to dinner.

I don’t think he should have to be a bit sorry really. But it’s about defusing misunderstandings so I thought it’s ok to put it this way. As he gets older he will decide if he wants to say “sorry” or not

I'm usually the one not making small talk, not due to anything other than being really crap at it and not liking trying to break into established social circles.

At the end of the day, did any of them come and speak to you? If not, they can fuck off.

I'd consider that person extremely rude and spend no more time worrying about anything to do with the party.

Well she sounds like a delight...! As others have mentioned it is usual to take a gift. You can text the parents in advance to ask what they might like, they should suggest things that don't cost much or give a list of interests and you can choose from that. If you don't know the kid then things like scented pens, craft activities or a notebook are good bets - things that will be used and then recycled.

Well done for getting through the party!!

As others have said, a gift is the norm and expected. If I don't know the child well then I will go with something generic like a craft kit (Galt ones off Amazon are good value) or a book that my DC enjoyed at a similar age. It gets easier when your child gets older and you can just ask them what their friends like.

You don't have to spend the whole party making small talk, but it is considered polite to say hello on arriving, smile if someone catches your eye and thank the host for inviting your DC when you leave.

The comment about you "hovering" over your child are odd. Kids that age often need a bit of parental involvement at social events, even if they're NT. I don't think you did anything wrong.

The comment about your clothing is also bizarre. Jeans and a top is fine, unless the top had some sort of offensive slogan or picture on it then I don't see why anyone would have a problem with that.

The woman who gave you a list of things she believes you did wrong sounds incredibly rude. Most people would keep those kinds of thoughts to themselves.

How fucking rude of her!! Absolute cheeky bitch!!!

I'm flabbergasted! You did nothing wrong by the sounds of it op! Even with the lack of present you still took a card so not a huge deal!

If I’m stuck for a gift I just Google something like “girl aged 5 what birthday gift for party mumsnet” and that tells me!

I’m not being sarcastic here….but I wonder the ‘proclaimer of bad behaviour’ is neuro diverse herself?

But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate

Wow.

This other mum is the one with poor etiquette OP.
Don't let her crass, micromanaging & uncalled for commentary upset you.

You didn’t bring a gift? Wow...

@7eleven I wondered the same!!