Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

I doubt the Birthday child even noticed she didn't get a gift from everyone. The mother might have but would just think you can't afford it, even that's not a big deal.

I want to know more about the other woman and why she thinks she can give you a rundown on what you did 'wrong'. CF.

Ignore her, who does she think she is giving you a list of things you did 'wrong'?

It was all absolutely fine. I hovered to an older age than most parents as my son has allergies and I needed to watch he didn't eat anything he shouldn't.

I also wouldn't care if you didn't bring a present to a party for my child, I'd be delighted that your child came, had a good time and my son had friends to enjoy his party with. That's all that matters to me.

The other mum was exceptionally rude, for all she knew, you could have passed on a gift earlier in the week or whenever. Kids parties can be awkward, hope your wee girl enjoyed herself.

In an attempt to think why the other person might have made some of those points ...

Others have mentioned the gift.

Not talking to other parents is ok. Ignoring them or being rude is not ok. There is quite a fine line. If you don't want to chat just say hello to everyone and how are they when you arrive. Then sit somewhere else. But in general, you are going to have to interact with these people for the next few years, so making a bit of effort might be worthwhile.

If you need to step out, with 4 year olds it would be polite to ask another parent just to check your child was ok. You can just say something like "I need to just get some air, would you mind watching Sophie for 5 minutes?"

Unless your top was too tight/too revealing/had an offensive slogan, I'm not sure what the problem was ...

Me too @MarshmallowMadness.

Did you ask her OP or did she just spout this list at you?

Was it actually the party child’s mum who said this? If you’d given cash or a voucher inside the card how would any other guest have known otherwise? Unless the child opened the cards and gifts at the party (I’ve never seen this done before though).

This sounds all very strange; having been to many children’s parties I’ve never stood there and psycho-analysed the appearance and behaviour of other parents. Some are sociable, some keep to themselves. Some stay and some drop-and-go. Some hover and others let their child run amok and be disruptive. You meet all sorts but as long as my child behaved appropriately I simply don’t care enough about other parents to spend the party watching them like a hawk so that I can give them ‘feedback’ on what they did wrong afterwards. Very bizarre and I’d give her a wide berth in future.

Who ever this other mother is is very very rude and has no place to say all that!!!

Cheek of her

When mine were little most brought gifts but there were a few that didn't

Next time a token gift. Book or sweets or £5 in a card is fine. No need to spend a lot. I used to go to the Oxfam book shop and buy books that looked like new for £1. A few of those as a gift was fine. Horrible history etc go down well with both sexes.

1. Yes a present is a social norm

1. Did you acknowledge and thank/make your daughter thank the party mum, if not then yes that's rude.

1. Hovering depends how it's being done, if it was say a magician and your daughter is front and centre then being with her is affecting others so you do need to make sure that you are not getting in the way.

1. I assume you were taking your daughter out with you as you need to hover so much if so then that could be affecting others too.

1. Clean, neat jeans and t shirt fine, oil stained, mud splattered, food stains not fine.

It is likely the other mum was a queen bee just putting you in your place but it is also possible that it did cross a line to affecting others. Either way the other mum was rude to bring it up with you unless it was so extreme behaviour and it was done in a very kindly and concerned manner to prevent you and your daughter from being excluded in the future.

I would rather have you at my child's party, with or without a present, than some bloody self appointed etiquette guru who thinks it's ok to point out the stuff SHE thinks is wrong with your behaviour. She sounds awful. For what it's worth, I don't think you did anything wrong. None of it. Not even the lack of a present. You brought a card and you brought your child. That would be quite sufficient in my book.

@PeekAtYou A gift is a must

Sorry, but I hate this attitude. Yes, it's the norm, but it certainly shouldn't be expected!
I'd have hated to think that some people might be put off coming to my kids parties as they felt they had to bring a present but couldn't afford one!
Much rather they were there enjoying the party, and kids don't even notice who has brought them a present and who hasn't, they're too busy playing!

Well there’s definitely someone behaving inappropriately and showing poor etiquette in this situation OP and it ain’t you! How utterly rude of the other parent to talk to you like that, what an absolute cow. The only thing you did wrong was to not bring a gift, if you don’t know the child in future I would suggest an age-appropriate book, perhaps a nice special one that they wouldn’t necessarily buy themselves.

I'm sorry to hear of your issues with small talk, unfortunately you’ll probably find yourself in this situation more and more at parties and school events etc. It’s useful to think of a few ideas to talk about in advance - e.g. how are they settling in, what are you doing at half-term, do they have an older child at the school etc. But avoid the criticising mum like the plague! She’s just weird, and has a lot more social problems than you do I would say.

I don’t know much about the etiquette for a child’s party - sounds to me like you just dealt with it in your way, which is fine. I’m intrigued, however, by some woman thinking it was ok to list the things you did wrong, particularly criticising your clothing. Who is she to you, and how did that come about?

Barring the gift thing I think you're behaviours were completely acceptable. Only thing I'm wondering is whether there was an image or wording on your top and if so what it was?

Who on earth kept their eye on you for a fair amount of time to ‘clock’ all this.

As so many others have said, the only real issue was not taking a gift. A book, or money in a card are always fine. If they already have that book, or it isn’t their thing, it can be regifted at the next party.

if you wanted to save the situation re gift, buy a card, put £5 in, give to the mum at school tomorrow and simply say you left it at home on Saturday (or whenever the party was)

I wasn’t surprised when you mentioned your condition. Kids parties are overwhelming for everyone, I particularly struggle with children that shriek.

the other mum sounds like a witch, don’t give her another thought.

another time, try to smile (I have a resting bitch face so can look very unapproachable) and if anyone comes to speak to you, say hello, let them know you are watching your DD to ensure she is managing ok.

I’m trying to imagine how she thought it might be acceptable to have a conversation where she just lists your faults. That is insanely rude of her. Why was she keeping tabs on who brought a present? She sounds very OTT and over bearing.

Really, you did nothing wrong (apart from the gift but it’s none of her fucking business!!). I’m sorry she was so mean to you.

I’m sorry but I can’t imagine telling an adult off at my child’s birthday party unless they were upsetting other guests/children. To think how many presents a child receives these days at a typical birthday party, I actually think it’s impolite to criticise someone for not bringing a present. I thought the main point of having a party is for the birthday child to enjoy playing with their friends. Of course it would be a shame if no-one brought a gift…

Always take a gift.
But, unless the birthday child was opening every present and card, as they were given it, I fail to see how, at a party of 30 children, anyone would be aware of whether or not you had put money in a card or given a present earlier etc. Not my experience of kids’ parties, where it’s all a bit of a free-for-all and presents get put in a pile for opening later. Anyway, if the lack of a gift was noticed, then whoever noticed that would be looking out for other things to pull you up on, I’m afraid!

Why on earth did someone give you this level of “feedback”? Did you ask for it? If not, they were damn rude. If you did, it still seems rude, but maybe the context was you asking for any little thing…

What the hell were the other parents wearing? I can’t believe you were the only one on jeans - that’s normal!

I agree with others on a present being expected - but that can just be sweets if you’re short of money. Sweets will never be a waste because they’re easily passed on if necessary.

I would just say though - if anyone didn’t bring a gift, I’d assume money was a bit tight that week and I wouldn’t think anything of it. Presents are definitely the expected convention, but no child should miss a party because their parents can’t afford to give one.

How did it happen that one person ( who you don't seem to know very well) have you a list of things you did wrong??
Of course you bring a gift, I can't believe you didn't know that. Even put a fiver into a card.... in fact, how did the person who told you all you did wrong know that you didn't do this????
Hmmm, I'm beginning to wonder if we have been given the full story?

I am really confused about how the conversation between you and the other parent came about.

i sm NT, my daughter ASD - she will often misinterpret what I say, think I’m being critical when I’m not (or that I’m in a bad mood .. when I’m not)

Did you ask this other mum for feedback or are you already very good friends? I can’t imagine how this avalanche of feedback occurred unless you asked for it.

As much as she’s made some valid points, apart from the clothing, I don’t understand why she told you. Did you ask?

She sounds much ruder than you.

1. Yes, the norm is to take a gift- it can be something very small. But really it's not the end of the world that you didn't.
2. Not talking to other parents- the polite, sociable thing would be to make small talk but again, the world isn't going to end if you don't. Most people understand that not everyone enjoys this or finds it easy. OTOH I think it is important to find the time to thank the host for the invitation.
3. I'm guessing she doesn't know your DD is autistic.
4. I'm guessing she doesn't know you are autistic.
5. No idea, sounds bonkers.

The most outrageous thing about all of this is this woman seeing fit to give you a list of faux pas. Had you actually asked her for her views?

A gift is usual but in this day and age it's rude to assume everyone can afford a gift. But if you can afford it yes get a gift. The hovering I'm the same with my asd son it's managing the situation before it escalates. Stepping out/not talking I'm surprised anyone noticed/cared. People tend to talk to their friends not notice what others are doing. The other mum sounds like a not nice person for saying these things.