Smacking DD 5

[FluffyFluffMonster]

My DD who is 5 has been hit today while I was in the shower. Her grandmother (not related) hit her leaving a red mark, GM said dd was wrapping curtains around herself and she was scared she would hang herself so hit her! GM is actually my eldest DD grandmother but is amazing with youngest and treats her like her own. DD has an amazing relationship with her, adores her. We are only a little family with not much support or involvement from other family. This isn't about me I would stop contact in an instant but because my dd adores GM I don't know what to do? I'm 100% against hitting! I told GM we don't hit in this house and she did say sorry and she was scared which is why she did it! I'm actually ill currently and not thinking clearly!

Your most important job as a parent is to protect your children from harm. Harm includes physical assault, from anyone.

Your child may be attached to this woman but that’s irrelevant to your job in keeping her safe. No one lays a hand on my child. No one.

It was wrong but I can understand her reaction. She must have had a fright.

If she's sorry and won't do it again then I would forget about it.

Bullshit that she was worried that dd would hang herself, in front of her, twirling in curtains. GM was irritated and lashed out. Hitting a kid that hard, that it left a red mark? She'd not be seeing either of mine for a long time.

I wouldn't end a otherwise good relationship over a single smack. You've told granny you don't allow smacking now tell your dd that she must listen to granny tells her when something isn't safe.

My totally anti-smacking sister once smacked my nephew when he wouldn't keep his seat belt on during a motorway journey. He's 25 now. She still feels bad about it, he doesn't remember it .

I'd abhor hitting of children and would express how shocked and upset I was. But I'd probably move on if Grandma apologised to DD and said explicitly that she shouldn't have done that. (Not an apology "but")

But I also probably wouldn't leave them alone for a while.

I abhor

I would probably move on from this if she is sorry. If DD is 5 and adores her she must be doing something right.
It would be different if she came out with the 'never did them any harm in my day blah blab blah' but if she's apologised i would move on.

I think it really depends on if this is the first time this has ever happened and if you have seen GM discipline in other ways before. I would want to know that she has alternatives to smacking that she can use next time she gets scared or frustrated with your dd so a lot depends on what your gut tells you about her. I think you've addressed it with her, you've explained you have a zero tolerance policy on smacking and you discipline in other ways (I'd tell her what those are eg timeout spot or whatever you use) and she's apologised. I'd be tempted to let it go for now on the basis she was genuinely afraid something would happen on her watch but if it happened a second time then I'd be cutting contact or at least making sure there was never unsupervised contact. I'd also debrief with dd, talk to her about what happened today, talk about what happened in the run up to the smacking and I'd revisit that it's never OK for someone to hit or hurt her or touch her in any way that makes her feel uncomfortable no matter who they are or why they say they are doing it. I'd explain that you've spoken to gm and told her we don't hit in this house and I'd probably reinforce with dd that if gm asks her not to do something or that something is dangerous then she needs to listen and be respectful too if you feel you can do this without it sounding victim blamey- might need to be two separate conversations well apart so she doesn't automatically confuse the two. Maybe it's one for just before you next see her about listening and trying to help gm because she is elderly for example.

It's the hitting to the level that leaves a red mark which is the biggest issue. Before a lot of the safety stuff we have around now, children would be killed and badly injured by playing in curtains/blinds, so I could understand why it could have been out of fear, but the force of the smack wasn't necessary. As she's apologised, I'd move on from it, but I'd be making it clear that if it happens again, then your relationship is done.

Whilst I abhor smacking &'I hear your anguish. An older person genuinely in fear for your child's safety may well
Have acted (wrongly) on protective instinct without thought. Kids did used to die with Venetian blind/curtain cords.

If she seems genuine &'didn't do the but but but - in my day crap (agree with pp) then I would let it go on this one occasion if she's really sorry & apologised to dd.

A single smack to stop a child doing something which was viewed as potentially dangerous is fine. Perhaps if more children were smacked when being naughty, there wouldn't be so many posts from parents complaining about their out of control 13 year olds. I read too many posts about feral children, and children hitting their parents. It used to be the other way around.

Thank you everyone! I've taken on board the advice. @Avidreader69 I really don't think smacking anyone is helpful! There are other ways to discipline without resorting to anger and losing control. And surely smacking/hitting a child will lead to trauma as an adult?

She would never be left alone with my children ever again.

My child wouldn’t go back. If GM can only respond to danger by hitting then your DD is not safe.

I don’t believe her about the fear of hanging either. She just thinks it’s okay to hit children but has had to explain it because this time she left a mark.

No, smacking when children are small does not lead to traumatized adults. If it did there would be whole generations of damaged adults around, which is clearly not the case. I am not advocating beating children, which is totally different from giving an occasional smack.
Why do you think there are so many teachers leaving the profession because they and other children, are being terrorized by five year olds throwing things, kicking and hitting?

For example:
www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/t98xr7/teacher_intubated_and_awaiting_surgery_after_5/

But there are a lot of adults with trauma? Granted not all because they have been smacked but smacking and hitting a defenceless child is wrong.
My mother actually works in a school and as far as I can tell it's the bullying between staff that is the problem rather than naughty children throwing things and hitting adults. This is just her school and I don't know a lot about teaching except what she tells me however she does work in a really deprived area and she loves the children.

If you're in Scotland or Wales she'd be breaking the law. A criminal. Explain that to her.

I'm in Wales.

I would wonder why she didn’t hold the child still or hold the curtains still above her, rather than hitting her. Did she just lose her temper with her or alternatively did she panic?
I don’t think either is great, so I definitely wouldn’t leave her alone with her again.

Smacking children became illegal in Wales in March 2022.
It's been illegal in Scotland since November 2020.
If an adult can't explain to a child why the child's behaviour is dangerous/unacceptable there's something wrong with the adult, not the child.

I agree. Scared she’d hang herself?! All she had to do was remove the child from the curtains if she thought it was looking like an imminent fatal accident (which is nonsense), not hit her. And she hit hard enough to leave a mark.

It's not acceptable for anyone to hit a young child. That this grandparent thought she could/should bothers me a lot.

Where on your daughter is the red mark?

I’d want that mark on her skin to be gone in minutes. Has that happened?

Oh, and my money is on Gran worried the curtains were about to be pulled down was the trigger.