Smacking DD 5

[FluffyFluffMonster]

My DD who is 5 has been hit today while I was in the shower. Her grandmother (not related) hit her leaving a red mark, GM said dd was wrapping curtains around herself and she was scared she would hang herself so hit her! GM is actually my eldest DD grandmother but is amazing with youngest and treats her like her own. DD has an amazing relationship with her, adores her. We are only a little family with not much support or involvement from other family. This isn't about me I would stop contact in an instant but because my dd adores GM I don't know what to do? I'm 100% against hitting! I told GM we don't hit in this house and she did say sorry and she was scared which is why she did it! I'm actually ill currently and not thinking clearly!

She hit your child.

She is no longer a safe person to be around her.

As well as the lesson your dd will learn that if you love someone it's OK to be hit by them sometimes.

If you did something she deemed as dangerous would she hit you?

She may be lovely in some ways but she lashed out and marked your kid, I would never see her again (and probably report her to the police, so dd sees the appropriate action to take).

Utter rubbish. Smacking your kids in childhood affects them into adulthood. There is a big difference between a 5 year old hitting because they can't control their big emotions, and an adult hitting because they're too ignorant to improve their parenting skills. Smacking is illegal end of story.

For me this would be a not allowed alone with my child again.
Sure it might be nice to have a break but not at that expense.
Perfectly normal behaviour for a child to be twirling in curtains and not listening, not normal behaviour to hit someone for being their age. There are other far more appropriate and rational ways. Sounds to me like she lost her temper. It's illegal where you live as well.
I wouldn't cut her out completely as she sounds a well loved grandma but I wouldn't let my DD out of my sight in her company from now on, which is the price she'll have to pay.

I used to smack my eldest. I was smacked as a child and it was an automatic reaction that I didn't realise was wrong. This was in the early 1990s and more people did it. One day the penny dropped and I realised how horrible it was and never smacked from that day on. In the GMs defence, it was no doubt something she did with her kids and had never thought it through, like I hadn't. People who say that your job is to protect your children are absolutely right. I don't know know how I ever smacked one of them now.

Some people are so dramatic.

She panicked, she’s apologised, move on.

This isn't about me I would stop contact in an instant but because my dd adores GM I don't know what to do?

She won't adore her for long if she keeps assaulting her.

I'm confused at the idea this woman was scared for your child so decided to hit her. It makes no sense. It would be unforgivable for me.

She is an older generation and reacted out of fear for your daughter's safety. Yes, it's wrong, but lots of adults who were smacked as children are not traumatised. Personally I would move on, she is sorry and reacted because she was scared. You have to consider what the alternative is, and I personally think it sounds more traumatic.

I would take the apology and move on. I wouldn’t leave your dd in her care for a while and take the time to discuss better strategies with her.

Presumably smacking being made illegal in Wales was publicised. So the “older generation” comments wouldn’t wash for me.

My nan did that to me when I was a child, a hard smack too for messing with curtains. Get forward 45 years later and she has since passed but my love for her has never gone. She was wonderful, it was probably normal than too. I'm not saying it's right but today it doesn't take much to break a family. A simple chat should do but never see her again is harsh.

She is an older generation and reacted out of fear for your daughter's safety.

I just can't with this. How stupid.

Nobody who has concerns for the safety of a child hits the child. That's the exact opposite of keeping them safe.

The older generation? Not an excuse.

People who hot children are horrible, not old.

You just can't what?

You just can't what?

Can't believe the stupidity.

Thinking someone who cares about the safety is f a child would hit them, and giving a free pass because of their age. Come on now.

I did go in to say so I'm not sure why you asked though.

What would you do off a random adult hit you?

Or an duly in the street hit your child?

Would you ignore it? Or report it to the police? There’s your answer.

Your child NEEDS to feel safe in her own home. And she NEEDS to rely on you to protect her from danger.

I think I would want to know what actions grandmother is going to take to ensure that she doesnt react that way instantly, whether she thought the child was at risk or whether she thought the curtains would be damaged is somewhat immaterial (no pun), its what other techniques is she going to ensure she applies at times like that? How does she get the support she needs to ensure that happens. Where does she go to reframe or re learn her responses?

Leaving a mark is considered abusive but if parents (grandparent in this case) are willing to work through to learn new strategies that is whats important. particularly in this case where as you say you have little support, the support around you needs to be safe and she needs to have the tools and skills to empower her at difficult times too.

I had a similar situation. To make things 'fair', I mtold my son that he can hit grandma. She never did it again...

I can’t imagine any way in which hitting a child would untangle them from a curtain. Surely you’d just say, “that’s not safe, twirl the other way” til she was out of the curtain?

Well I didn't say that it was out of concern for the child's safety, did I? The grandmother told the OP that she was scared. Not that it was out of concern for the child's safety, that's when you ring social services, @HouseBook She had a fright and reacted really badly, it's a different generation it was probably an old reflex. Never in a million years would anybody with the slightest bit of sense say that was ok that the grandmother hit the child. That's not even up for debate. But the question is do you stop contact. But I actually think reframing it as "the grandmother hit the child because she was concerned for her safety" is a pretty big rewrite compared to what is written in the OP.

Please remember that an explanation is NOT an excuse. It's important to differentiate.

@Tansytea

You said she is older and scared out of fear.

I struggle to match 'fearing for a child safety' and 'hitting child'

*acted out of fear

Oh and she isn't even the kids grandmother.

I didn't say that.

I didn't say that.

You said exactly that (reacted, not acted as I misquoted - same thing anyhow)...

She is an older generation and reacted out of fear for your daughter's safety.

You don't have to cut off contact, you just need to not allow unsupervised contact.

You also need to be clear that she must not ever hit either dc under any circumstances.

You need to talk to your dc about how it was wrong and you will make sure it never happens again.