Smacking DD 5

[FluffyFluffMonster]

My DD who is 5 has been hit today while I was in the shower. Her grandmother (not related) hit her leaving a red mark, GM said dd was wrapping curtains around herself and she was scared she would hang herself so hit her! GM is actually my eldest DD grandmother but is amazing with youngest and treats her like her own. DD has an amazing relationship with her, adores her. We are only a little family with not much support or involvement from other family. This isn't about me I would stop contact in an instant but because my dd adores GM I don't know what to do? I'm 100% against hitting! I told GM we don't hit in this house and she did say sorry and she was scared which is why she did it! I'm actually ill currently and not thinking clearly!

I wouldn't end a otherwise good relationship over a single smack.

Would you say this to a woman whose DP had slapped her hard enough to leave a red mark? Why do people think small, defenceless children shouldn't be afforded the same rights and protections we expect as adults.

I would not stop contact. Unless it happens again. Because removing the grandmother out of your DDs’ lives may do more damage. DD may even somehow feel that it’s her fault. Of course it isn’t but children can think that way.

Let it go but explain to DD that grandma was in the wrong and it won’t happen again.

100% this.

Because removing the grandmother out of your DDs’ lives may do more damage. DD may even somehow feel that it’s her fault. Of course it isn’t but children can think that way.

Adults can ensure that they don't feel that way. Adults can take control and say 'we are not seeing X anymore because they hit you'. Adults are allowed to stand up for their children and teach them to do so for themselves. Nobody is suggesting they cut contact without having age appropriate conversation with the child about how it is absolutely not their fault.

Not just not in this house, not ever. If she accepts that it's never to happen again then a second chance is fine. A third chance would not happen with me. I can't imagine my child still loving someone if they hit her.

Has she hit her before?

I wouldn’t cut her out of your lives, but I would no longer leave her with the children unsupervised. It’s a pain to do that, but it can be done. you don’t have to share with her that it is now a rule, you just change your own routine.

For people thinkng that the grandmother should be removed from the child's life, if this was a parent who did this do you think the child should be removed into care after one occasion of this, with the parent showing remorse and shock that they did it?

Because that isnt what happens, parents are given support and opportunities to learn how to respond differently at times of stress.

Obviously if that doesnt work, the parent continues to be unsafe around the child, the parent doesnt see a problem and doesnt want to address it then those are issues for later down the line but in the first instance of such a situation, its right that people are given the skills to re learn

Don't be so ridiculous. An adult hitting another adult is totally different from a parent, or grandparent, smacking a child who has been naughty.
Children need to feel secure, of course. They also need to know that adults are in charge. It's a parent's job to bring up their child to be ready for the outside world, where not everyone will be pandering to their whims and letting them behave as they wish. Discipline is part of the process, and if it's done with a smack, by loving parents, that's a lot better than letting the child think they can do as they like.

Exactly @bellac11 .

@Avidreader69 there ARE whole generations of traumatised adults walking around…

She won't adore her for long if she keeps assaulting her

Ffs, the child wasn't assaulted, she got one smack.

won't lead to adult trauma, am 66 and have no trauma from the leg/bottom slaps my mother gave me. One slap will not damage the child, may stop her doing the wrapping curtain thing so it has achieved what Gm wanted.

Technically it is assault, the law is clear that if a 'smack' leaves a mark, or is done on the face, or is done with an implement it falls outside of the realms of 'reasonable chastisement'

OP could refer her child to SSD and report an assault by a family member, the duty team should hold a strategy discussion and ultimately grandmother would be spoken to and cautioned. (if she admitted it and accepted a caution)

Yes there is a difference, its WORSE.
An adult hitting an adult is bad enough, but an adult hitting a defenceless child whom they are meant to be teaching and protecting and who cannot defend themself is something else.

This thread has absolutely stunned me.

People think it’s okay to hit a child?

A CHILD?

Why would anyone think that’s okay?

Isn’t assault illegal in this country?

Worst I've done is shouting and I feel awful about that but it's when I reach my limit. But hitting a child? No way.

How come shouting doesn't work with your children? Maybe you're hitting people to make up for a total lack of authority and respect you seem to have from your children.

She won't adore her for long if she keeps assaulting her

Ffs, the child wasn't assaulted, she got one smack.

It was one smack too many.

This.

‘People think it’s okay to hit a child?’

Nobody said that.

We’re discussing what an appropriate reaction would be.

won't lead to adult trauma, am 66 and have no trauma from the leg/bottom slaps my mother gave me. One slap will not damage the child, may stop her doing the wrapping curtain thing so it has achieved what Gm wanted.

First of all you are just one person so cannot say with certainty that this does not lead to adult trauma.

However, why is the concern only ever how it affects a child in the future? How about she was hurt by someone who is supposed to have her best interests at heart? It's ok so long as it doesn't affect her in adulthood? What is this?

I mean, it has left you with the impression that hitting weaker people is ok and not harmful.

For people thinkng that the grandmother should be removed from the child's life, if this was a parent who did this do you think the child should be removed into care after one occasion of this, with the parent showing remorse and shock that they did it?

Too fucking right I would. The remorse is irrelevant. Remorseful people show remorse, so do abusers; so it's not an indication of true remorse. If my child's other parent hit them yes I would absolutely do what I could to protect my child.

Mumsnet at its most dramatic ffs. No I wouldn’t cut contact for this. If let her know it wasn’t to happen again but phoning the police and cutting contact is just soooo dramatic.

My mother allowed my stepfather to smack me.

It led to me thinking people who love you can hit you, show remorse, and all would be OK again.

Which led to me being in an abusive marriage for over a decade.

So, yes, it could very well lead to trauma.

Children should never think love = violence, and they should never be around someone who has abused them, even once.

If your dd goes in and tells the school it would be referred to SS, and you will be asked about what measures you have taken to make sure your dd isn't assaulted again.