Smacking DD 5

[FluffyFluffMonster]

My DD who is 5 has been hit today while I was in the shower. Her grandmother (not related) hit her leaving a red mark, GM said dd was wrapping curtains around herself and she was scared she would hang herself so hit her! GM is actually my eldest DD grandmother but is amazing with youngest and treats her like her own. DD has an amazing relationship with her, adores her. We are only a little family with not much support or involvement from other family. This isn't about me I would stop contact in an instant but because my dd adores GM I don't know what to do? I'm 100% against hitting! I told GM we don't hit in this house and she did say sorry and she was scared which is why she did it! I'm actually ill currently and not thinking clearly!

How do you know? I’ve seen kids dragged away and traumatised by it. What you are saying is that discipline never should be applied. That’s why we have kids who can’t behave themselves. Everyone has to find their own way of disciplining their kids but people with views like you make life very difficult. Why so many kids have problems because people complicate life so much

I am not saying anything of the sort.

I am saying I see where YOU are coming from. Christ.

Disciplining then changes nothing though. It doesn’t work.

So what do you do? For example when siblings torment each other. How do you handle it?

You know everything apparently!

What the fuck are you taking about? What have I said that would imply this?

My first response to you was me saying that your post was interesting as it challenged my previous view.

Are you mistaking me for somebody else?

My parents were not ‘smackers’ but on occasion it did happen and one time I remember I’d run into the road, my mum pulled me back and gave me a hard smack for it. She was terrified and acted on instinct. I don’t blame her at all and I’m certainly not traumatised as an adult.

She made a mistake and acted without thinking. It’s clear she feels terrible about it and I would definitely forgive and move on in this case.

I believe that the reddening of the skin makes it common assault in England too.

I ask them to stop.

Why is it always a run onto the road?

I would never leave them alone again but I wouldn't cut contact.

No idea. Apparently all three of us were little sods for bolting. By the time my brother came along reins were firmly established.

And if they don't stop? Or if they are at it again 5 min later? What if its one child constantly picking at the other?

What if one of your children was being racially abused or bullied at school. Would he school just telling the bully to stop it be OK?

Maybe none of that happens w your kids but I'm sure you have the imagination to understand that not all kids are like yours.

Does this work every time? Would it work on all children? All ages? If they are that compliant why are they misbehaving in the first place?

No, of course it doesn’t work every time. It’s boring and time consuming trying to negotiate with a small angry child. But it’s a happier life than one with violence or aggression.

I talk to them again, and again and again.

If my child was being racially abused at school I would want the racist child to receive help. That doesn’t seem a happy, well adjusted way for a happy, well adjusted kid to behave.

It doesn’t just happen with my kids. I’m a teacher who also doesn’t punish the kids I teach.

Wait until its a large moody teen. You're in for a treat.

Mine are all older now.

This^^

What reactions have you had when you've been scared? She apologised when you said not to do that. What more can she do?

That wasn't what you post history implied but sure.

I mean, if I saw a child in imminent danger I'd be trying to remove the danger/them from the danger rather than jump to assaulting them. How does hitting her change the situation? Why didn't she grab the curtains, or move DD away, or shout for help or literally anything else?

Also: hitting is an appalling thing to do to a child. But to SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD? I can't even begin to explain the lines that that crosses!

I wonder what else has happened that you don't know about.

If anyone hit my child they would never see us again, full stop. Absolutely your first job as a parent is to protect your child. An older, grown adult assaulted your child, YABU to be even contemplating not going zero contact with this person.

What post history? The small angry child but was in response to the idea you have to punish a kid for compliance. You don’t, it doesn’t work.

Although actually, you might want to AS me, I’ve spoken a lot on here about what a waste of time punishments are, because some people on mumsnet are always so aghast at the idea you can parent your kids like actual humans instead of little soldiers who must obey.

So you would give the kid the trauma of never seeing the grandma she loves again? Great! Scar her emotionally for life. How wonderful you guys are with your daft psychology!

Your post history indicates your children are young. I checked before my post as I was going to ask about teens but wanted to see if you had dealt with it.

I think you are probably right that you could exert control a young child's environment and to an extent were you could probably eschew discipline. I don't know of that's a desirable option but I think it's achievable. It all goes out the window when you and the things you choose stop being the centre of their life. Maybe you could still get away with it but I think you'd just be changing one set of problems for another.