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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

467 replies

TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 15:54

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

OP posts:
BusyLondonMother · 15/10/2022 15:56

If you're not comfortable with him going to mens, then I suggest you earmark a few places that have either individual cubicles or individual disabled loos that he can use

ilovelamp82 · 15/10/2022 15:56

I'm sure others may disagree but I'm with you. And my son is very tall for his age which isn't ideal but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 15/10/2022 15:57

When will you start letting him?

I let my 6 year old in certain settings - e.g. small restaurant, soft play - aready

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 15/10/2022 15:58

You are being unreasonable. Boys are allowed in the women's toilets, accompanied, up to the age of 8. Then they should be going in the men's.

You can wait outside for him, tell him to shout if anything is wrong, but you can't allow him to continue to invade a female-only space.

Hobbesmanc · 15/10/2022 15:58

Doesn't it really depend on the facilities. Dodgy car park men's loo maybe avoid. But rest rooms in restaurants etc should be easy to keep an eye on. Nine is far too old to be using the ladies.

TeenDivided · 15/10/2022 15:59

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 15/10/2022 15:58

You are being unreasonable. Boys are allowed in the women's toilets, accompanied, up to the age of 8. Then they should be going in the men's.

You can wait outside for him, tell him to shout if anything is wrong, but you can't allow him to continue to invade a female-only space.

I agree. You wait outside, and he shouts or leaves if uncomfortable.

aniamana · 15/10/2022 15:59

yanbu OP, I feel similarly about my 9yo using mens loos in certain places.

HorribleHerstory · 15/10/2022 15:59

He is old enough to go into the mens. He is embarrassed. It is no longer up to you.

In most changing areas children over 8 use the correct sex changing rooms. In most swimming pools children over 8 can swim unaccompanied.

8 is very much a line in the sand and he is seeing that and you need to let him go in the mens.

If the harm you fear is harm from a fully grown man, he will not be a match for a fully grown man until he is one, and by that point he will have been going in the mens alone for years. He will not be adult sized or suddenly more capable at 9,10,11,12,13….and so on, but no one is going to let him into the girls changing rooms then.

purpleme12 · 15/10/2022 15:59

My child is 8 too.
So yes I think he's old enough to go in by himself now

Pixiedust1234 · 15/10/2022 16:00

Hes too old for womens toilets. Start campaigning for safer mens loos.

Original poster
TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 16:01

I always will accompany him in the ladies, I don't let him go in there alone either.

I didn't realise there was a legal age limit for this stuff, but yes I didn't think of it in that way and that it could be seen as an invasion of women's space, definitely an oversight on my part.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 15/10/2022 16:01

Statistically the likelihood of anything happening is very small, don't live your life in fear

TulipCat · 15/10/2022 16:04

He needs to start using the men's. You can stand right outside. As PP have said, begin with very "safe" ones like in a restaurant. You can't start making women feel uncomfortable in their safe space because of your inability to let go. Yes, it matters. I have boys, and they started using the men's from age seven. They really aren't pedophile dens, they're just loos.

FlounderingFruitcake · 15/10/2022 16:05

It’s not just about you but it’s also about other women and girls using the ladies who will obviously be fine with little boys but then there comes a point when they’re too old, it’s no longer ok and it’s invading their space. If you don’t feel like 8 is old enough, then honestly how old? I’d personally reckon 8 is right on the cusp and he should be starting to use the mens sooner rather than later, after all that’s usually the age to use swimming pool facilities alone. Busy clean shopping centre, for example, with you waiting outside and he knows he can leave if he feels uncomfortable or shout for you, I would have thought would be safe.

Original poster
TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 16:07

Thank you all! The last thing I want is to make others feel uncomfortable, including my boy, so I think this weekend we'll head to a local restaurant and I'll stand outside the mens and wait! Baby steps 😂

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 15/10/2022 16:09

I think you need to ask yourself, at what age will I feel comfortable letting him use public toilets or changing rooms alone?

Because it will need to be soon. And this is mostly about your fears, which you need to address. As our children get older we have to take small ‘risks’ to further their i independence, or we do them a disservice.

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 16:09

It's a tricky age. I remember when my ds was 9 we went to a shopping centre...once you went through the door of the men's loos there was a really long corridor towards the actual facilities. I wasn't happy with him using it so insisted he came with me to the ladies...he was not happy. Anyway a while later I read in our local paper about how a teenage boy with learning difficulties had been assaulted in the toilets at the shopping centre. When ds was 10, he started using the men's but only if I could stand by the door while he was in there and I'd always shout in to him to check he was ok.

Soubriquet · 15/10/2022 16:10

I think you’re being silly. I would let my 7 year old use the mens toilet alone.

I would stand outside the door, and open it occasionally and shout in to make sure he was ok

Autumninnewyork · 15/10/2022 16:11

ive got an almost 8 year old who uses the men’s loos. We’re mostly in very tame places like pizza express, the playground etc. I do wait outside. Should I also just say loudly ‘I’ll just wait here’ so any weirdos know there’s an adult waiting? Genuine question. I might start doing that actually

HorribleHerstory · 15/10/2022 16:11

OP during Covid our swimming pool didn’t allow parents in to the building for any child 8 or over. If your child was 7 and under you could help them. 8th birthday, they’re eon their own.

So the 8 year olds were being sent in through the car park, navigating their way through the (very big) building to the unisex changing village, including using the loo if needed, finding a cubicle, getting themselves changed, hair up goggles on, stuff in the locker, using the quid and locker key, getting themselves showered and poolside in time for their lesson, keeping their locker keys safe, and the same in reverse, finding their way back out a different way to where they came in, due to the one way system, until they came out the back door where their parent was waiting.

They are far more capable than you think.

Autumninnewyork · 15/10/2022 16:11

Ah, cross post

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 16:12

Unless your son is 6"2, no one will bat an eyelid at an 8 yo using the ladies with you. There is no legal age for it. My son is 10 and I've only just let him start using the gents if I'm on my own with him. He will go in and I wait outside. If I thjnk he's been too.lomg I open the door and shout in to check he is OK.

Tansytea · 15/10/2022 16:12

Just wait outside for him. I get that you feel that it is more of an issue as you are a single parent, but it's not really, I still took my son out sometimes on his own without his dad! Just tell him to go into one of the cubicles and wait just outside the toilets, I'm sure lots of us can understand your stress, I do, but if you are really nearby I don't think you have anything to worry about. I do get the worry though!

Brefugee · 15/10/2022 16:13

YABVU. It's a toilet for starters

Thegreenballoon · 15/10/2022 16:17

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 15/10/2022 15:58

You are being unreasonable. Boys are allowed in the women's toilets, accompanied, up to the age of 8. Then they should be going in the men's.

You can wait outside for him, tell him to shout if anything is wrong, but you can't allow him to continue to invade a female-only space.

Show me the actual legislation/rule that says anything about 8 being the limit? Or did you just make that up as what you personally are comfortable with or extrapolate from gym changing rooms, which are quite different?

I take my autistic son in with me, he’s 9 and he won’t go by himself. He’s not “invading” anything - he’s a prepubescent child, he’s very clearly not a threat to anyone, he’s not doing anything obnoxious and he’s accompanied. Most disabled toilets are locked in places like motorway services so it’s not an option without a key. When he hits secondary school age/puberty I guess we’ll have to get a key if he still needs help, until then he’s coming with me. Swimming changing is possibly different, there’s actual nudity involved- most public toilets he’s merely washing his hands next to a woman, what’s the big deal?

OP I think if your son is confident going alone I’d probably allow it in some situations- a cafe for example. It’s not fair to make him feel uncomfortable if not necessary and the risk is tiny. But not a sports stadium or a huge mall.