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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

467 replies

TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 15:54

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 15/10/2022 16:53

There is no age limit. I’d let him use the disabled if it’s free.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/10/2022 16:53

I can't remember how old my younger 2 were but my 3rd has refused to use the ladies since about 6 years old. Just stand outside and wait

Don't go in with him like a pp suggested 🙄 that's ridiculous

Youdoyoutoday · 15/10/2022 16:53

Thegreenballoon · 15/10/2022 16:17

Show me the actual legislation/rule that says anything about 8 being the limit? Or did you just make that up as what you personally are comfortable with or extrapolate from gym changing rooms, which are quite different?

I take my autistic son in with me, he’s 9 and he won’t go by himself. He’s not “invading” anything - he’s a prepubescent child, he’s very clearly not a threat to anyone, he’s not doing anything obnoxious and he’s accompanied. Most disabled toilets are locked in places like motorway services so it’s not an option without a key. When he hits secondary school age/puberty I guess we’ll have to get a key if he still needs help, until then he’s coming with me. Swimming changing is possibly different, there’s actual nudity involved- most public toilets he’s merely washing his hands next to a woman, what’s the big deal?

OP I think if your son is confident going alone I’d probably allow it in some situations- a cafe for example. It’s not fair to make him feel uncomfortable if not necessary and the risk is tiny. But not a sports stadium or a huge mall.

Show quote history

In your situation, I'd happily use the disabled toilet if it's free, there nothing wrong with that. As long as you're not queue jumping in front of a wheelchair user, it's fine to use the disabled toilet. I have done on many occasions where no else is waiting but having 2 small kids with me means the normal ladies cubicle through multiple doors is just plain silly!

bythere · 15/10/2022 16:54

"Take him in the men's toilet if he wants to go there."

Then an adult female is in the men's toilets. Even more inappropriate.

Youdoyoutoday · 15/10/2022 16:54

And you can buy a radar key on amazon @Thegreenballoon

FleeUpFreeTime · 15/10/2022 16:56

My son went in the gents but had to use a cubicle rather than peeing at the urinal

Oblomov22 · 15/10/2022 16:56

I can't quite remember how old ds1 and ds2 were when they went into the mens alone, but I'm sure it was before 8. Never upset or worried me.

Kendodd · 15/10/2022 16:56

Not letting him go to the toilet on his own is for your benefit, not his. Let him go on his own.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/10/2022 16:57

Don't use the disabled toilets either, he doesn't have a disability and he wants to use the men's 🙄

Didiplanthis · 15/10/2022 16:58

bellac11 · 15/10/2022 16:43

Disabled toilets are toilets that are accessible to those with disabilities, they're not for exclusive use of people with disabilities.

Show quote history

Umm... perhaps not legally but morally, thats kind of the reason they are there ? .. other people can use the non disabled ones... disabled people can't.. a non disabled 10 year old boy has no reason to use them.. I say that as the parent of 2 autistic 10 year olds who I encourage to use normal mens toilets for wees, but need my help with cleaning up after poos so we use disabled ones for that.

Iknowforsure1 · 15/10/2022 16:58

YABU
You see, by not letting him develop his independence you neglect his needs and affect his mental health too. It can’t continue forever and you know it. Yes, bad things happen. No, he can’t continue to go to the ladies toilet. It’s my opinion anyway, but I do understand you, just don’t think it’s the right choice

deveronvalley · 15/10/2022 16:59

My son simply refused to use the ladies loos from about 8 but had been moaning about it from about 7. I hung around outside the gents and made sure I was loud enough sending him in that any potential weirdos knew I was there. He’s 10 now and rolls his eyes at my weirdo-prevention technique and my lectures about strangers but hopefully some of it has sunk in.

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 15/10/2022 17:00

I only have girls but I totally sympathise with this. i wouldn’t send my 8 year old daughter into the mens alone and I can’t imagine that I’d feel any better about it if she was a boy.

On the other hand my husband doesn’t take her swimming without me any more because she (understandably) doesn’t want to go into the mens changing room. But she’s such a ridiculous faff that if she went in to the ladies alone she wouldn’t be seen for about two hours.

CrookCrane · 15/10/2022 17:00

Everyone saying he can shout or leave if he’s uncomfortable or anything happens. Are you all really that stupid to think a child (or adult) will always be able to shout or run. It’s so so common for people to freeze in a situation like that. It’s just not worth the risk in my opinion. When my DS gets to an age where he has to go in the mens I’ll be standing outside holding the door open slightly and shouting to him every minute or two so that any predators know his parent is a few feet away.

RainStalksMyWashing · 15/10/2022 17:00

User19876 · 15/10/2022 16:37

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a 9 year old little boy being in the ladies loo and am massively rolling my eyes at the hysterical pearl clutching about “invading female only spaces”. He’s not a 50 year old bloke with his cock out for god’s sake.

That said OP it sounds like he is ready to use the mens or a separate cubicle if available. Use your judgement and if you don’t think it’s safe take him to the womens.

This

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2022 17:00

Didiplanthis · 15/10/2022 16:58

Umm... perhaps not legally but morally, thats kind of the reason they are there ? .. other people can use the non disabled ones... disabled people can't.. a non disabled 10 year old boy has no reason to use them.. I say that as the parent of 2 autistic 10 year olds who I encourage to use normal mens toilets for wees, but need my help with cleaning up after poos so we use disabled ones for that.

Show quote history

Exactly. And it is disabled people, who campaigned for these toilets, much like women did for facilities they could use. Both because previously there were none available for either demographic.

Summersummersun · 15/10/2022 17:04

Honestly some of the replies on this thread! How on earth is an 8 or 9 year old CHILD a threat to women and girls in a toilet? The CHILD is more likely to be at risk to the WOMEN in the toilet than the other way around. As PP have said, those with daughters, would you feel comfortable sending them into a toilet full of men at that age.

My DS is almost 7 and he has used the mens’ on occasions where it’s been more convenient in a safe place, and I’ve stood outside and called to see if he’s ok. Otherwise he comes to the ladies with me (or to the mens with his dad) every single time.

The requirement for schools to have separate sex toilets for age 8 and over is very different. The children are in a school, as safe a place as you can hope to leave your child.

Summersummersun · 15/10/2022 17:05

*at risk FROM the women, that should read.

Iknowforsure1 · 15/10/2022 17:05

@CrookCrane
I totally sympathise with everyone’s fears, I’m a month we myself to both a girl and a boy. But come on… do you really really think we can prevent it all? And don’t we thing that our risk aversion these days is actually harming our children? I just realised that by the time my child goes to the secondary school, he would never be left alone at home even for five minutes… would never have had an opportunity to learn to cross difficult roads… would never have cooked anything for himself without a direct observation. And then suddenly he has too. There are so many things that are so much riskier than being abused in a random toilet, yet our children will need to learn to deal with it, unless we nurse them until they are 30.

Iknowforsure1 · 15/10/2022 17:06

I’m a mother*

Funkyslippers · 15/10/2022 17:09

Summersummersun it's completely different for a girl (or even a woman) going in to the men's toilets. They have urinals. Women's toilets don't so everything is private

Sleepdeprived42long · 15/10/2022 17:09

OP-do what you and your son feel comfortable with. My DS is 8. He comes into the ladies with me. I know he will not harm anyone in there and I am with him so hopefully no harm will come to him (any female worrying about an 8 year old male CHILD coming into their ‘safe space’ needs to give their head a wobble imo). On the other hand, if he goes into mens on his own, I don’t think he’s mature enough to know what to do if a stranger spoke to him etc-he’s very naive and trusting. Common amongst his peers I think partly due to COVID lockdowns. I know he will grow up in time. My 10 year old will always use the men’s now. You know your son best-do what you and he feel comfortable with and ready for.

antelopevalley · 15/10/2022 17:09

He is asking to go the men's. You reach a point as a child where this is embarrassing. He is probably worried that any girls from his class will see him in there.

OoooohMatron · 15/10/2022 17:09

LikeTearsInRain · 15/10/2022 16:41

It’s not appropriate for a person with a penis to be in the women’s. There are ladies and girls in vulnerable positions. The usual cut off is 8. Stand outside and brief him to shout or come out if any issues. Alternatively if there are places with toilets in individual rooms or multiple disabled facilities, consider using these instead.

Person with a penis, who says that. Get a grip the boy is 8!

antelopevalley · 15/10/2022 17:10

Obviously do not let him go to a men's toilet in a deserted train station. But in a busy shopping centre with you outside the door the risk really is very minimal.

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