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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

467 replies

TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 15:54

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

OP posts:
Kimya · 15/10/2022 16:18

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 15/10/2022 15:58

You are being unreasonable. Boys are allowed in the women's toilets, accompanied, up to the age of 8. Then they should be going in the men's.

You can wait outside for him, tell him to shout if anything is wrong, but you can't allow him to continue to invade a female-only space.

Is this an actual rule or just a line in the sand that you've decided to draw?

rainbowandglitter · 15/10/2022 16:20

Thegreenballoon · 15/10/2022 16:17

Show me the actual legislation/rule that says anything about 8 being the limit? Or did you just make that up as what you personally are comfortable with or extrapolate from gym changing rooms, which are quite different?

I take my autistic son in with me, he’s 9 and he won’t go by himself. He’s not “invading” anything - he’s a prepubescent child, he’s very clearly not a threat to anyone, he’s not doing anything obnoxious and he’s accompanied. Most disabled toilets are locked in places like motorway services so it’s not an option without a key. When he hits secondary school age/puberty I guess we’ll have to get a key if he still needs help, until then he’s coming with me. Swimming changing is possibly different, there’s actual nudity involved- most public toilets he’s merely washing his hands next to a woman, what’s the big deal?

OP I think if your son is confident going alone I’d probably allow it in some situations- a cafe for example. It’s not fair to make him feel uncomfortable if not necessary and the risk is tiny. But not a sports stadium or a huge mall.

Show quote history

There are a few places around me that mention the over 8 thing. I assume places are making their own guidelines rather than it being a law as such.

dottiedodah · 15/10/2022 16:20

I think you are right to be cautious.Dont let him use a Public toilet for example .Should be safe enough in a play area type place .

Tansytea · 15/10/2022 16:21

Even the most cursory google shows that there isn't a legal rule or a limit. What a ridiculous idea.

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 16:23

Pixiedust1234 · 15/10/2022 16:00

Hes too old for womens toilets. Start campaigning for safer mens loos.

He's 8. It's fine. And I think expecting the op to singlehandedly solve the millennia old problem of male violence/sexual violence is a little unrealistic.

inheritanceshiteagain · 15/10/2022 16:23

He does use the men's alone (9 yo) but I wait outside. If he's longer than a few minutes I would open the door and yell for him. Swimming he uses a cubicle next to me in the ladies

Thesearmsofmine · 15/10/2022 16:23

I have three sons so am well used to this now, 8/9 was the age my eldest started going in alone, that’s in places like supermarkets/restaurants etc Some toilets like in parks etc he would still come in with me. He’s nearly 12 now so of course goes in alone or with his younger brother(10).
There is no law as far as I’m aware and my main concern is the safety of my child.

Original poster
TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 16:26

Soubriquet · 15/10/2022 16:10

I think you’re being silly. I would let my 7 year old use the mens toilet alone.

I would stand outside the door, and open it occasionally and shout in to make sure he was ok

Calling me silly for being protective over my child's safety is a bit uncalled for 🤨

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 15/10/2022 16:27

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 16:12

Unless your son is 6"2, no one will bat an eyelid at an 8 yo using the ladies with you. There is no legal age for it. My son is 10 and I've only just let him start using the gents if I'm on my own with him. He will go in and I wait outside. If I thjnk he's been too.lomg I open the door and shout in to check he is OK.

Madness.

He used the women's toilets until he was 10?!

And even now you check on him if it's been too long.

I can't remember when my boys started using the men's toilets but about the time they were fully self-sufficient at going to the toilet themselves, definitely before 8!

Changingmynameyetagain · 15/10/2022 16:28

8 is used because in schools the legislature states that schools must have separate facilities for all children aged 8 and over.
I think that’s fair, when my boys were smaller I used to stand outside and shout in.

bakewellbride · 15/10/2022 16:28

At 9 I went to my local Woolworths unaccompanied, bought something then walked home alone and let myself in.

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 16:29

@EarringsandLipstick wow, so you're actually criticising another mother for merely checking her child is safe...shame on you.

Original poster
TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 16:29

Thanks to everyone who had helpful advice/comments!

It's clearly a dividing topic, and like I said I trust my son 100% I know he's not going to do something he shouldn't, it's my own issue and I'm very protective but ultimately if my sons asking and I feel its safe then I'll let him go by himself.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 15/10/2022 16:29

Calling me silly for being protective over my child's safety is a bit uncalled for

I agree name-calling isn't needed but you are being crazily over-protective. For sure, there are risks out there. The odds of your DS being in danger in a busy toilet in a shopping centre are minimal.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/10/2022 16:31

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 16:29

@EarringsandLipstick wow, so you're actually criticising another mother for merely checking her child is safe...shame on you.

Nope. I'm responding to the point of the thread.

It's a perfectly valid point that not letting an 8 (or 10) yo child go to the bathroom alone is over-protective.

Cop on with your 'shame' 🤨

Thesearmsofmine · 15/10/2022 16:31

Just trust your instinct OP, a busy shopping centre toilet or similar will be relatively safe. A dingy park toilet where you know dodgy stuff goes on, avoid.

Motherskiss · 15/10/2022 16:32

bakewellbride · 15/10/2022 16:28

At 9 I went to my local Woolworths unaccompanied, bought something then walked home alone and let myself in.

Different times. Woolworths… that closed how many decades ago?

PuttingDownRoots · 15/10/2022 16:33

I don't think you are being unreasonable to worry about it. Some toilets are dodgy. You can't go in to scope whether they are dodgy or not.

Do you have any male relatives/friends you can ask if there are any to avoid?

(Toilets are different to pool changing rooms... in the pool changing rooms part of the issue is girls being uncomfortable with boys seeing them change. A 8/9yo boy with his mother won't see anything!)

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 16:33

EarringsandLipstick · 15/10/2022 16:31

Nope. I'm responding to the point of the thread.

It's a perfectly valid point that not letting an 8 (or 10) yo child go to the bathroom alone is over-protective.

Cop on with your 'shame' 🤨

Show quote history

You criticised the poster who said if her ten year old son takes too long in the men's toilets, she calls in to check he's ok?

Original poster
TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 16:34

EarringsandLipstick · 15/10/2022 16:29

Calling me silly for being protective over my child's safety is a bit uncalled for

I agree name-calling isn't needed but you are being crazily over-protective. For sure, there are risks out there. The odds of your DS being in danger in a busy toilet in a shopping centre are minimal.

I think people just have different thresholds for what they feel is over protective. I'm very much a "safe than sorry" type of parent, but what I don't want to do is dampen my sons independence, which is why I'm asking other parents opinion 🙂

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 15/10/2022 16:34

I started sending my son into the men's when he turned 9. I sort of say loudly by the door "I'm waiting outside for you!" So potential creeps know I'm lurking 🤷‍♀️

OoooohMatron · 15/10/2022 16:36

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 15/10/2022 15:58

You are being unreasonable. Boys are allowed in the women's toilets, accompanied, up to the age of 8. Then they should be going in the men's.

You can wait outside for him, tell him to shout if anything is wrong, but you can't allow him to continue to invade a female-only space.

Bollocks, he's 8 and it's a public toilet with cubicles not a changing room.

Motherskiss · 15/10/2022 16:36

I won’t let my recently turned 9 year old use a mens public bathroom without me. I have no shame about it. Do what you think is best and ignore all judgement.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 15/10/2022 16:36

Are you in the US, OP? I only ask because you've used quite a few Americanisms and I'd imagine letting your child out of sight in such a dangerous country at age 8 would be very different to, for example, rural Ireland, as well as the fact the toilet stalls and restroom layout tend to be designed differently.

User19876 · 15/10/2022 16:37

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a 9 year old little boy being in the ladies loo and am massively rolling my eyes at the hysterical pearl clutching about “invading female only spaces”. He’s not a 50 year old bloke with his cock out for god’s sake.

That said OP it sounds like he is ready to use the mens or a separate cubicle if available. Use your judgement and if you don’t think it’s safe take him to the womens.