To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

[TiredTravelMug]

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

People are kind. Men as well as women.
But when i hear "well he's my boy and i'll take him where i want and fuck what girls want" do you think i'm going to say "sure thing!" or "fuck you, then, and I'll look out for my daughters"?

Basically, the boys want our help here. And I'm fine as long as they behave nicely - and i'd appreciate it if their mothers weren't acting like agressive fuckers and appreciate that we are helping them keep their boys safe.

I would say that he should be using the men's. I would avoid toilets in dodgy places at any age.

I think it's really important to show by how you behave that you consider him to be a sensible, competent person, not someone who needs Mummy to look after him in day-to-day situations. He will also get more confident by stepping out of his comfort zone, in appropriate circumstances, and learning that he can do that and be fine. It's a parent's job to teach a child how to keep himself safe, just as much as being kept safe by an adult.

So your line is preteen? My DS was just a kid at 13 too. There was no clear point that said he was suddenly ready for the men's between when he became uncomfortable with using the women's at 6 and when he hit puberty at 14.

I am a lone parent and of course I worried about my small boy, but I agree with those saying if not at 8, 9, 10, when?

"What is psychologically different between these boys in women's toilets and you as grown up women in male toilets?"

Um...if women have a right to privacy from older boys being in women's toilets I think men definitely have a right to privacy from women in the men's.

It's interesting how a mother of an 8 year old boy who is not comfortable sending her son into a room full of strange men with their penises out (albeit under socially acceptable circumstances) is told she is over protective, needs to get a grip, the risk of anything happening is very low etc. But the mother of an 8 year old girl who thinks that an accompanied little boy in an enclosed neighbouring cubicle is a risk to her also accompanied daughter is told no such thing even though situation one is objectively far more risky than situation two. There is a basic undercurrent of male children are not as deserving of protection as female children and it's not nice. My little boys are not responsible for what men as a collective group do. They are not rapists, weirdos or predators and if any harm came to them there would be no way to undo it. There really needs to be more family rooms where any combination of parent/carer and child can go in private to use the toilet, wash, change nappies etc. Then have strictly males in male toilets and females in female toilets alongside this. Accessible toilets for those who need them too. That way everyone's needs would be met. But until then people are going to protect their children and someone is going to get put out that they are using the "wrong" toilet, whether it be womens, disabled or whatever.

🤣 Loving the insanity of the idea that if you would feel concerned about letting your child go into a toilet on their own at King’s Cross station (maybe at midnight, just to make it sound even more dodgy), then you are somehow justified in never trusting any public toilet anywhere, ever. Also, I’ve never seen the toilets at King’s Cross station, so have no idea how I would feel about my children using them alone. Frankly, there are some public toilets I would never be willing to use myself, either, but those were not the sorts of toilets the OP was even asking about in the first place.

Also, I’ve never seen the toilets at King’s Cross station, so have no idea how I would feel about my children using them alone.

i was in them yesterday. They are big, airy and clean plus there are cleaning staff around. I would have less worries about sending my 9 year old in those alone than some other places.

A 13yo boy is probably a lot more likely to attract the interest of some dodgy guy than a 9yo though....

It ACTUALLY says most sexual abuse on under 16s is committed in the home 🤷‍♀️

Children can actually travel unaccompanied on London Underground from aged 5.

www.visitlondon.com/traveller-information/getting-around-london/do-kids-need-an-oyster-card

< anticipates pearl clutching >

I let my 6 year old.

< to confess , I was a bit surprised - but then children to need to take themselves to school >

Can he sing? Can he whistle?

Let him go but he has to sing or whistle while he is in there so you can hear he is OK.

@Muddledandbefuddled my favourite cafe has one toilet. It happens to be a disabled/accessible toilet (as is common in small cafes). It is also the only toilet and as such is for the use of all of the customers and contains the baby changing table.

If I was in OP's position (and I have been in a similar one) then if I was in that area and needing to eat with child, then I could well chose that cafe instead of the chain pizza place a few doors down which has separate men's and women's toilets.

It wouldn't be the misuse you suggest given it is the only toilet in that cafe - and these are common arrangements in smaller places.

I see OP has updated the post with her plans so happy to leave that there

I actually would be uncomfortable with it. Although this is mostly the mother at blame I’ve had a seven year old boy who kept looking under the stall door when I was trying to insert a tampon and making comments about my body. I told him to stop multiple times while his mother just passively said “honey stop.” “honey please don’t do that.” while just going about her business and not intervening. I finally kicked him in the face and I’m not sorry. Of course the mother was upset but I just explained that a i didn’t need an audience while trying to put in my tampon. She looked disgusted with me like she’s never had a period before or something. LOL. Stupid woman and stupid males who aren’t taught to respect women. He will probably be brought up to be a trash human being.

My little boys are not responsible for what men as a collective group do. They are not rapists, weirdos or predators and if any harm came to them there would be no way to undo it.

Nobody saying they are rapists. But they're male, and not so little. Girls deserve privacy and dignity.

This. So many of us have had negative experiences of being vulnerable trying to change a tampon or sanitary towel and had a small boy sticking his head under the partition gap.

I don't care that it's not sexually motivated. I deserve privacy on the toilet. And as for the vice versa argument, in my experience, little girls are less likely to stick their heads under toilet partitions, and grown men are never going to be in a cubicle trying to stick a tampon into their body.

I'd say the majority of my issues with toilets needing to be safe spaces for women are connected with the extra privacy and dignity we need whilst menstruating.

I would feel upset with someone catching me in that kind of moment as a grown women. I would have felt even more wretched as a pre-teen bleeding.

Oh, you must mean the ones in the middle, near the Eurostar. Those are very child friendly.

The other ones aren't as nice.

the ones where you go past the platform 9 3/4 thing
the ones in St Pancras were similar
The ones at London Bridge station were really great

Not saying all public loos are great like that, but when i had kids (and now I'm ancient and go to the loo all the time) I knew were all the good toilets were

You mean the famous ones where the nonces hang out? Ooh they're every where in Kings cross

Oh, you must mean the ones in the middle, near the Eurostar. Those are very child friendly.

The Eurostar is at St Pancras, not Kings Cross.

Kings Criss toilets are at the front and back of the station, none in the middle.

Touch pedantic

Me?

I'm not sure it's pedantic to clarify the difference but whatever.

Poor lad, he must be so embarrassed please let him use the men's room. We are far too over protective of our children, these days, when there is absolutely no need

I’m just surprised these late primary /pre teen NT lads even agree to even go into the Ladies with mummy! Aren’t they mortified?