To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

[TiredTravelMug]

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

Why do so many people on mumsnet believe that 8 is the cut off point for this? I saw that on a thread the other day. Can boys not get sexually abused past the age of 8? Is it really that much of an issue to have to wash your hands next to an 8 year old after you've both been in a private cubicle to use the loo?

It is so so so much more important to safeguard a child than to consider grown women who are bothered by this.

I let my 6 year old use the mens toilets recently at a birthday party where the only people in the building were children and parents from school. He came into the loo with me at a garden centre the next day. I don't have an age in mind where I'm going to stop taking him in with me, it will just be a gut feeling hopefully. Maybe if he did start to get embarrassed it would be a turning point for me. He also comes in the ladies changing rooms with me before his swimming lessons although we go in a little booth thing with a curtain.

If he wants to go then you need to let him. He'll probably run off by himself to go in and you won't be able to follow him. Just hang about outside, like we all do, for a while.

He's already too old imo. DS started using the men's with me outside from age 6, he knew to shout if he had any trouble. He was a small to average slightly built child.

My son has just turned 9 and this has come up here too. Normally when we are out and about we would share a cubicle. Just recently he has asked if he can have a cubicle by himself (in the ladies still) which is fine. If he needs the bathroom and I don’t I have just started letting him use the men’s. He knows to lock the door, wash his hands and not speak to anybody. To be honest my main worry with him going into the mens by himself is getting himself
locked in the cubicle!!

I understand it’s uncomfortable to let him go into the men’s alone but I think small quiet settings (eg cafe, library) where you can keep a close eye would be a good place to start and let him gain some independence.

It's hard to let go I get that OP, but as others have said eight really is the end of the line for this kind of thing. I've never seen a boy of that age in the ladies and would think it a bit weird if I did. I have young DDs and my almost seven YO has started to become very conscious of her "privacy". I think I would be a little unnerved with boys older than her in the female toilets.

Start in a safe environment to build both his and your confidence and you will soon get used to it.

I totally sympathise how hard it is, but for those posters saying they are ok with an 8 year old boy being in the ladies, good for you, I don’t care for me either. What I do care about is that 8,9, or 10 year old girl who might not feel ok, especially if they have started their periods. Plus, not sure I’d like my son to see the revolting states some women’s loos get in. I am very over protective of mine, we started with the local Costa where I knew they couldn’t be taken out the back and there were individual loos. Giving independence is hard.

You really think an 8 year old child is ‘invading’ a female space?

I’d rather children were accompanied to the toilet than risk them being alone around strange adults who have access to lockable cubicles. If this means girls accompanying their dad to the men’s toilet, or boys going with their mum to the lady’s, then so be it.

Children who are being accompanied by an adult are no risk to you and their safety is more important than you not feeling triggered by someone with the wrong genitals being in the loos with you.

For me this is about the boys themselves and girls their age, not adults.
It is very unfair on the boys. This boy is asking to go to the men's. Children's dignity and privacy matter.

When I took my grandson out at that age I would stand at the door and keep talking to him. I got some funny looks but I didn’t care 😊

My 9 year old is similar, he’s small for his age. If his dad or big brother (12) are around he goes to the men’s with them but if we’re on our own it very much depends on where, if it feels busy enough and it’s just a quick no. 1, I hang around the doorway to the men’s and tell him to shout me, but if not comfortable we look for a shared toilet which there quite often is now, even if it’s disabled. If I needed to i take him into the ladies I would, it’s not like there’s women getting changed in there or anything, I wouldn’t take him into a swimming pool changing room or anything anymore though no.

I used to work in a police station. One day an off duty officer arrived with a prisoner, a man who had made an indecent suggestion to him and got too close in a men's toilets. He was 6ft, experienced police officer (I think he'd done about 10 years) and he was visibly shaken by the experience.

Anyone insisting an 8 year old boy goes into the men's loos alone when he could go into the women's with his mother needs to think about what the risk is to them compared to the risk to him.

Mine used the mens in shops and cafes at that age
As you've seen, they get to an age where they want to be independent. Changing at swimming was same sex from 8 onwards too.

I know this his going to be unpopular but I don't blame the OP. I have to young girls and I even follow them to the ladies now. I dont know who is going to be in there. My neighbours dd was followed to the toilet in a pub by a man, he exposed himself to her and tried to shut the toilet cubicle door but she managed to get out. She was 10. He got off with it because he apparently has special needs.

So no, I wouldn't be letting my 8 year old go in the boys.

It is so so so much more important to safeguard a child than to consider grown women who are bothered by this.

I have DDs so I'm more thinking about their privacy/comfort than my own. I obviously wouldn't feel threatened by an eight year old but I would find it strange that a child that age was in the ladies. I don't have boys so I'm quite biased and always think of girls safety above boys so I can only imagine this scenario is quite tricky to navigate as the mum of boys. I think if I was really nervous I'd use the disabled toilets depending on availability etc.

So a man came onto another man in a public toilet. Really not relevant here.

It’s about dignity for him and for others in there. He isn’t happy going into the ladies which should say it all.

over age 8 you should be working towards going into the correct toilets. Obviously at first some places will make more sense to do it than others but eventually they just need to use it as default.

Yes it is because it shows what can happen and it shows how disturbing it can be for a male, even a man in his 30s who is 6ft tall and able to take care of himself. Picture a little 8 year old boy in the same situation.

Why do so many people on mumsnet believe that 8 is the cut off point for this? I saw that on a thread the other day. Can boys not get sexually abused past the age of 8? Is it really that much of an issue to have to wash your hands next to an 8 year old after you've both been in a private cubicle to use the loo?

Boys can be sexually abused at any age, including teens, it doesn't mean they belong in the female loos. It's not just about if adult women are bothered by a boy, girls may feel uncomfortable in unisex loos from the age of about 8.

By that reasoning you would never let a male child into the mens toilets.

Genuinely cannot believe that grown women view an 8 year-old boy using female toilets as invading their space. How ridiculous.

As if there is a law out there for what age male children are not allowed to use female toilets with their Mum lol.

Op, I agree with you. Yes you could wait outside and shout in, however, if your more comfortable having him with you in the female toilets then do so. If you find a grown women complaining to you that your child is invading their space then tell them to get a grip & have a word with themselve.

@ancientgran It is NOT the same. Men come onto other men and women all the time. And why a police officer should be shaken by a man coming into him I have no idea. Have you never had a stranger come on to you?

Get a disabled key online and use the disabled or family loos if you can
And if you can't don't worry

You're his mum you're supposed to protect him

A concerned mum isn’t a disability.

What about the young girls who don’t feel comfortable having a male in their space or do they not matter?

Wtf? So people with disabilities struggle whilst they wait for it to become available.