To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

[TiredTravelMug]

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

I find this very irresponsible. I have a just-turned 6 year old and there’s no way in hell I would send him alone into a men’s toilet unless it was empty. I don’t care if his presence is offending someone else’s delicate sensibilities, his safety is my priority.

My son is 7, and I'm selective about where we use the toilets when out. If I couldn't hear him shout from the door to the men's, we find a different toilet. There's usually another shop we can use the toilets in that seems safer. He doesn't go to our local shopping centre toilets by himself for example, we'll use the ones in M&S instead.

@Sirzy You know the rule. Worried mums can use any facilities for disabled people from toilets, to parking spaces, to seats in public transport. Disabled adults do not matter to most people.

Seems a lot of people know exactly what I'm worried about. I value his opinions, feelings and independence, absolutely. Like I said I'm just not sure myself, which I get is selfish but I also feel like I'm looking out for his safety.

I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable about him being in the ladies but I think sometimes people need to understand there could be a variety of reasons why a boy 8 or even older could be in there with his mum. My brother is autistic and needed to be accompanied by my mother until he was around 11.

There is no actual law against anyone using any toilet.

Those saying it’s illegal for him to be in the women’s once he is 8 are wrong. In law, male/female toilets are really no more than a ‘suggestion’.

OP, take him in with you for as long as you both feel he needs to.

If he’s started asking to use the men’s though I think you should consider it, particularly in places that you know are pretty safe.

It is incredibly difficult to give them more independence isn’t it. I find it very hard to strike the right balance between what is a appropriate and what isn’t.

not just with this sort of thing but like my 8 year old wants to go out with her pals to play in the streets. I’m not happy with that yet.

Honestly, you need to ignore the people who judge and do what’s right for you.

They are wrong, you are right, if they are that bothered then they campaign to change laws etc but for now you are absolutely doing nothing wrong.

I also just want to point out I wouldn't use a disabled toilet unless it's some type of emergency.

Given his age and the fact he's asked to use the men's toilets himself, I'd say it's time. Unless, of course, he's mentally or physically younger than you'd expect for 8. Or he has some sort of additional support needs. (But if he were disabled, this would be a non-debate because you could just take him into the disabled loo.)

As other posters have said, start with the nice toilets. If any are particularly grim/scary, he'll probably share your reticence about using them. But now is the time to start building up his independence. Small steps.

He can't follow you into the ladies forever. And as well as his own dignity being diminished, there could be young girls his age made to feel hugely uncomfortable about him being there.

An autistic 11 year old who still needs assistance from a parent should be using the disabled toilets not the ladies. It’s not dignified for them for a start!

Hi Op, as others have said at 8 they need to start using the mens. I remember being a bit anxious about it but they have to go at some point. There's always somewhere like a costa with unisex loo on a high street and if you are worried just wait outside.

YANBU....I completely understand your fears as will need to cross this bridge myself soon. Do most men's toilets these days have urinals or separate cubicles?

I chose YABU although I completely understand your concerns (I have an 8 yr old boy too).

I think the key is working with your child to put in strategies to make them as safe as possible. Eg making sure they know they can leave if they feel unsafe or uncertain. Not talking to people in there, knowing you are by the door and they can call for you if they need you.

My son is 8 and is doing a mix of mens and womens toilets, but moving slowly to more mens toilets. We’d only use womens now somewhere whereI didn’t think it was safe to separate (eg in a new busy city public toilets etc).

This is part of learning independence though and I’d suggest if he’s saying he’s uncomfortable that’s a sign he needs to start using male toilets more. But it’s a process. Start where you feel safe and build up both your confidence.

DS was 5 ft nothing and 40kg at 13. He didn't have much more chance at fighting off an adult male than when he was 8. When he was young I waited outside, when he was older he knew to spot safe and unsafe situations. Of course the worst can still happen in a busy shopping centre or similar 'safe' area, but you just have to take that risk.

We are talking many years ago, and he didn't need assistance with personal hygiene, just needed my mother to be right outside the cubicle. Don't be so quick to judge.

So you not only take him into the womens changing room but use up an extra cubicle. So lucky his umbilical cord stretches so far!

I have an 8 yr old son. He's ok to use the toilets in say John Lewis full of middle class middle aged/old men, but no chance in a dodgy motorway services or McDonalds.

Those of you saying just let him go - that's exactly what paedos on banking on. I watched an horrific video the other day about a convicted sex offender who literally grabbed children in toilets - raped them and walked out as though nothing had happened. Given he got away with it for years, you have to suspect that the vast majority of kids were too traumatised to tell anyone what had happened.

If this is the case then I think the young girl needs some support. 8 year old girls should not be feeling worried/ uncomfortable about this and I would be concerned at what kind of messages she’s receiving from parents/ society if it really actually worries her to see an 8 year old boy in the ladies’ toilets with his mum.

My 8 year old daughter wouldn’t like a boy the same age to be in her changing room but I doubt she would give a fuck in the toilet situation. It’s not like he’s watching her pee.

In response to people saying what about young girls getting uncomfortable to my previous post...

I still think that my priorities will always be keeping my child safe above all else but I actually hadn't considered that and you've pointed it out to me. At the moment my son is only 6 and I genuinely don't know how I will feel in two years when he is 8 but I will bear this in mind. It's still relevant that there are no open urinals etc.. in female toilets though and only private cubicles so my son would only be washing his hands next to other people and not able to see anything/show anything innapropriate.

Do not use disabled loos for this purpose.

Personally, I don't give a shit if people don't want DS in with me in the ladies.

Get over yourselves. He's a child not a pervert in a filthy raincoat!

My dds both started their periods at age 9, they have the right to get to grips with that without worrying about their male classmates seeing them in the toilets possibly washing blood off their hands, or having to come out the cubicle so I can tell them if their trousers are stained, or if I can see their sanitary towel etc.

I also have 2 sons, I understand its scary (in fact I bought them personal alarms for this precise reason) so I do get it. But my daughters deserve the right to privacy. There are more ways for you to keep your son safe in toilets than there are ways for my daughters to have privacy in there.

Well certainly not an 8 year old by himself.

Do you think a 20kg 6 year old is much more vulnerable than a 30kg 10 year old to a 80kg adult male? He was mature enough at 6 to follow instructions on what to do if he had trouble.