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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

467 replies

TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 15:54

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

OP posts:
ToooMuchToDo · 15/10/2022 16:37

I completely understand how you feel. I have an 8yr old and a 10yr old boy.

I let my 10 yr old use the men's room. But I tell him to scream if he needs me, and I always watch to see who else is going in and out. The most worrying are petrol stations at night, when I will stand outside the men's room and be vigilant regarding who is around.

My 8yr old will use the men's room if with his brother, for swimming changing, and where the toilets seem safe. I'd still ask him to use the ladies in a petrol station at night.

I have worked with (as a psychologist) two adult males who were raped in toilets as kids so have always been extra vigilant. However, I think if mum is nearby, you are checking who's going in and out etc.. then you need to take that positive risk.

SpringRainbow · 15/10/2022 16:39

I think regardless of what anyone else thinks is right or wrong, or what other people would feel comfortable with, I think the thing that stands out to me is what your son has clearly expressed.

I think it’s important for you both to have an open discussion and come to an agreement that you are both happy with. Your feelings are important but so are his feelings.

Muddledandbefuddled · 15/10/2022 16:40

@BusyLondonMother disabled toilets are for people with disabilities, not for non-disabled children, particularly those who are perfectly cable of using the toilet solo. It's misuse like this that means that people with disabilities often have to queue a long time for the one toilet that they can use and e.g. people with bladder or bowel urgency issues can end up wetting or soiling themselves waiting.

ThisShipIsSinking · 15/10/2022 16:40

l am sure alot of folk on here would be just as willing to send their young daughters into the mens toilets, "Oh she' ll be fine attitude" stabd by the door, young boys are not seen by some as vulnerable because that suits their own needs and preferences, ALL young children need protecting, and male toilets are a magnet to some dangerous and seedy characters, parents of young boys are right in expressing a concern, disabled toilets are very difficult to access.

Georgeskitchen · 15/10/2022 16:40

I think it's more of a worry nowadays with young girls going into the ladies knowing there might be men in there!!

ThisShipIsSinking · 15/10/2022 16:40

Stand by the door

LikeTearsInRain · 15/10/2022 16:41

It’s not appropriate for a person with a penis to be in the women’s. There are ladies and girls in vulnerable positions. The usual cut off is 8. Stand outside and brief him to shout or come out if any issues. Alternatively if there are places with toilets in individual rooms or multiple disabled facilities, consider using these instead.

YellowTreeHouse · 15/10/2022 16:41

YABU. He’s old enough to go alone and, most importantly, he wants to go alone.

InsertPunHere · 15/10/2022 16:41

In England at least, there's a legal duty to provide separate toilet facilities for each sex in schools etc, so by 8 children are presumed old enough to go to the toilet by themselves.

My sons did so certainly by 8, and the younger one by 6 whenever he could go in with his brother. They knew I waited outside should they need me.

It's for their own dignity as muc h as anything.

YellowTreeHouse · 15/10/2022 16:42

It’s not appropriate for a person with a penis to be in the women’s.

Those people are called men, or boys.

bellac11 · 15/10/2022 16:43

Muddledandbefuddled · 15/10/2022 16:40

@BusyLondonMother disabled toilets are for people with disabilities, not for non-disabled children, particularly those who are perfectly cable of using the toilet solo. It's misuse like this that means that people with disabilities often have to queue a long time for the one toilet that they can use and e.g. people with bladder or bowel urgency issues can end up wetting or soiling themselves waiting.

Disabled toilets are toilets that are accessible to those with disabilities, they're not for exclusive use of people with disabilities.

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 16:44

To the posters telling the op she's being ridiculous, I bet you wouldn't send your 8 year old daughter into a room alone with unknown men in it...of course you wouldn't. An eight year old boy is just as vulnerable and defenceless as an eight year old girl. Parents are right to be cautious and considering their child's safety

Iateallthechocolate · 15/10/2022 16:44

Take him in the men's toilet if he wants to go there.

DaughterofDawn · 15/10/2022 16:44

If he’s old enough to understand stranger danger and you’ve talked to him about safety plans you need to let him go to the boys room alone. Girls his age will be entering puberty soon. You need to let him grow up.

Dreamwhisper · 15/10/2022 16:45

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable with a young lad in the ladies even on his own but I'm sure he is getting to an age where he needs to start learning these life skills.

Would it be so hard to wait outside and give him a time limit, plus look for places (many these days) which have single occupancy toilets.

Jjones8 · 15/10/2022 16:45

I can understand how you must feel. You need to let him go into the mens toilets soon…

JacquelineCarlyle · 15/10/2022 16:46

I totally get it Op & hated it at first when my DSs started insisting on using the mens. Think they were all around age 8 too.

I'd only let them use toilets that I could stand directly outside & anytime another man went in, I'd shout into my DS that I'm still waiting outside. No idea if it made a difference but they always knew to respond & shout back and let me know they were ok. In my head, it also put paedophiles off going near them as it was clear they weren't alone.

They didn't like me shouting into them (think they found it embarrassing) but I told them that was the deal if they were going to use the mens!

Youdoyoutoday · 15/10/2022 16:48

My DS is 8, tall for his age, already in 11-12 clothing and he goes by himself as he wants to. Up until a year ago, maybe a bit longer, he wanted to come in with me or go with DH to the loo.
He now sees it as an independent thing and I'm fine with that.

JacquelineCarlyle · 15/10/2022 16:48

I can't remember what age I stopped shouting, but I don't do it now (my youngest is 11) and it's been quite some time.

Original poster
TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 16:49

I'm in the UK for anyone asking.

I'm also definitely not interested* *in hearing a debate on whether trans people desevere respect, so let's leave that there.

It's a tough one, I agree with everyone saying that young boys are just as vulnerable as young girls, which obviously is my main concern here.

I like to think my son and I have a great relationship and we are very open with each other. Had he not expressed his want to start using the mens toilets I wouldn't even be thinking about it, so yes I will let him use the mens when I deem it safe, and I'll be standing outside. Definitely a positive risk.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 15/10/2022 16:50

I don’t blame your DS for being embarrassed at you making him use the ladies at nearly 9 years old! Teach him stranger danger and wait outside the men’s toilets for him.

VenusClapTrap · 15/10/2022 16:51

I understand your reticence. I felt the same when ds started doing it, at about the same age. It’s like the first time you let them walk home from school, or cross the road without you there. But you have to gradually loosen the apron strings and let them do these things.

JustEatTheCake · 15/10/2022 16:51

I had the fear when I couldn't accompany my sons into toilets. All you can do is equip them with what to do in X situation. Stand outside the door so you can hear them if they shout. Mine basically knew to trust your gut, if something feels wrong get out. It is okay to be wrong too. If this misjudge a situation they are just children and they are allowed to get it wrong. I mean the man who is a hulking 6'4" with piercings and tattoos might look terrifying but might be the loveliest person alive. It is okay to feel afraid of something.

Schools have to provide single sex toilets from aged 8 so usually year 3 and KS2 which is where the sort of generic changing rooms/toilets with other buildings possibly comes from.

DaughterofDawn · 15/10/2022 16:52

TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 16:34

I think people just have different thresholds for what they feel is over protective. I'm very much a "safe than sorry" type of parent, but what I don't want to do is dampen my sons independence, which is why I'm asking other parents opinion 🙂

Show quote history

Your fears aren’t unfounded. You are a good mother. You are just trying to protect your baby. With all the stories of creepy adults taking advantage of children girl or boy, I completely understand why you would hesitate. I think standing outside the door is a perfect compromise.

CrookCrane · 15/10/2022 16:52

I don’t blame you OP…

www.lancs.live/news/lancashire-news/cctv-appeal-after-boy-9-24450288.amp