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AIBU?

AIBU no party invite

214 replies

MumofRon · 14/10/2022 19:21

I need help! I am furious! DS “best friend” has not invited him to his party again!

Best friend will be referred to as Ben

Backstory I work FT, studied for 2 years on weekends, so my DS birthday is a big deal for me. Meet parents, ensure my son has a great time, etc. Ben and DS share cousins my SIL married Bens uncle.

so last year he had a party, DS wasn’t invited I was more upset because she lied to my best friend on the playground saying they weren’t doing anything (best friend has child in other class)

I find out as nephew sleeps over and asks DS if he is going to party. DS is devastated.

this year same again but what makes it worse a friend asked me why we wasn’t there, his child recently moved to the school (been friends for years) and was invited

My DS STILL wants to invite Ben to his party.

i know there is nothing to do about it but I have many options. I am favouring the most immature right now so I need help on my options;

  1. Egg their house on Halloween and blame kids
  2. Pay ridiculous amounts to invite all children in class except him and have amazing invites I’m thinking sweet invites and personalised lanyards like really go crazy (I’m favouring this as I am a crap throw)
  3. invite only special friends from school - Ben not included
  4. the above but invite him

    i want the mum to feel how shit I feel right now, but I don’t want to upset Ben at the same time. please vote and help me
OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1027 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
37%
You are NOT being unreasonable
63%
threatmatrix · 16/10/2022 13:11

mam0918 · 16/10/2022 09:15

She wants to commit crimes and bully a child because she doesnt have the maturity to speak to an adult like a grown up... she absoloutly 'needs help' because her entire post is a walking read flag to anyone with a modicum of empathy and common sense.

you are either

  1. Not British ( as no sense of humour)
  2. boring as feck
  3. You have not an ounce of feeling or emotion.
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1982mommaof4 · 16/10/2022 17:27

🥚 🥚

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Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2022 03:46

kilo · 16/10/2022 09:42

We had something similar this year - it is really sad for your DS. My DS was not invited to his best friends birthday ( although it wasn’t a big proper party, just two other friends over) My DS is 11 and too old to be palmed off , he wanted an explanation so I did speak to the Mum about it, we have known the family for years and she is lovely but it was still hard to do! She explained they are waiting on an ASD diagnosis and their son had said he would find a big party overwhelming and just wanted his two quieter friends there. Hard for my DS to totally understand but it did help him to move on. I approached it by getting a card and small gift ( sweets) and saying ‘DS has been asking when he can give a present to yours as he missed the party? He’s been asking me why he couldn’t go and was upset to miss it’ I felt that it was important that they knew that it’s had a negative impact on my DS and her DS needs to be aware but also know that DS wanted to give him something. The mum had tried to persuade her son to invite mine ( apparently). I felt that this way my DS felt listened to, hers didn’t get punished and she and I were not awkward. Me and DS did have a conversation about friendship though and how friends should treat each other. If the parents aren’t willing to demonstrate how to be a good friend to their son, we won’t be investing massively in this friendship going forward. He was invited to DS party several months later and I felt happy that my DS felt able to do that and had loads of other good friends there too. Talk to the Mum, it doesn’t have to be mean, they hurt your and your son’s feelings, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about but they need to acknowledge that and take some responsibility for it xxx

Sorry are you saying you won’t encourage your ds in his friendship with this boy because he didn’t invite your ds to his very small get together? I think that’s sad if this is the case as the mum did try very hard to advocate for your ds by the sound of it. Children with ASD cannot just be persuaded and it sounds like she was not able to find a logical explanation to make him understand the impact on your ds. Had she overruled her ds, she probably knows her ds would have been very vocal on the day and spoiled it for everyone.

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XelaM · 17/10/2022 08:43

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/10/2022 03:46

Sorry are you saying you won’t encourage your ds in his friendship with this boy because he didn’t invite your ds to his very small get together? I think that’s sad if this is the case as the mum did try very hard to advocate for your ds by the sound of it. Children with ASD cannot just be persuaded and it sounds like she was not able to find a logical explanation to make him understand the impact on your ds. Had she overruled her ds, she probably knows her ds would have been very vocal on the day and spoiled it for everyone.

How do you know the mum strongly advocated to invite this boy and not the other way around? If it's a small get together, it's usual for a best friend to be invited. My daughter had a friend in primary who never had parties, but always invited her for a small get together on her birthday and she just came back this weekend from a very small sleepover birthday at her best friend's house with only one other girl there. It's very odd for a child to want to exclude their best friend. It's usually the parent that does the excluding

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Slutdrop · 17/10/2022 14:58

TwiggletLover · 14/10/2022 19:31

I would ask Ben's Mum directly why DS has not been invited. Tell her how devastated your son has been and see what she says

Yes, absolutely this. Instead of letting the anger bubble away inside you, which it must be. I'd be really upset too OP but just confront her with it. "Is there a reason why DS wasn't invited to Bens birthday party? Do you have a problem with him? Has something happened between the 2 boys that I'm unaware of?" ...and just take the conversation from there.

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Madamum18 · 18/10/2022 14:16

TwiggletLover · 14/10/2022 19:31

I would ask Ben's Mum directly why DS has not been invited. Tell her how devastated your son has been and see what she says

The grown up solution! Assertive, not rude!!

Don't do anything that upsets Ben ...he is a child like yours!!

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ellyeth · 18/10/2022 22:09

I think you should just ask why your son has not been invited - and explain how left out and upset he feels.

Retailiatory action against the other child would be unkind I think.

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Jaaxe · 18/10/2022 22:15

Egg Bens mum at the school gates

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SETinCali · 22/10/2022 20:51

PLEASE take some time to calm down before you do a lot of those things on your list that you will absolutely regret. On that list is a plan to spend a fortune to drag a bunch of kids into your plot to try and destroy this child and his mother. The mother is culpable - but her son, you son's friend, is a child. His mother is the one responsible for teaching him what is and is not acceptable and she's not doing her job. Don't follow her lead - do better. Speak with her privately and CALMLY and ask her why your son has been singled out. You don't need to threaten her, just make clear that you're in need of an explanation to give to your devastated child. If that doesn't make her feel like a horrible person, nothing will. Then just move along and sever all ties. Leave the former friend out of the plans to celebrate your son's birthday. You won't need to make any sort of an announcement - they'll find out without you having to throw it in anyone's face. And you'll have the bonus of not needing to provide any sort of explanation as to why.

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AdobeWanKenobi · 22/10/2022 22:05

PLEASE take some time to calm down before you do a lot of those things on your list that you will absolutely regret.

well she’s had a week to do it so far 😂

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TXmum3 · 24/10/2022 13:12

Don't Punish your kid and another kid for some other moms choice. Also, having 3 (almost 4) of my own, I realize that some friendships aren't as strong both ways. I've had to throw a party where limited number of guests were allowed and so I let my 7yr old choose and as awkward as it was to invite a kid and not their siblings or not other friends I thought she would have picked that she played with regularly but instead she chose a few she didn't know as well, it was her choice. I had to have honest hard conversations with parents who I knew may have been hurt by it but it just is what it is.
If it was Ben's choice, remember kids think in very short term, who or what they are in that moment wanting, bugging personal. I understand hurting when your child hurts, totally. So use these opportunities to teach him and walk him through the hurt. It's hard and not pleasant but it's necessary.
As for her saying they are doing anything and turn around and do something, I feel that is so common. I've personally done it and I've had friends do it. If you truly feel there is some maliciousness in this from the other mom, then pull her aside and ask her what's up.

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TXmum3 · 24/10/2022 13:22

XelaM · 17/10/2022 08:43

How do you know the mum strongly advocated to invite this boy and not the other way around? If it's a small get together, it's usual for a best friend to be invited. My daughter had a friend in primary who never had parties, but always invited her for a small get together on her birthday and she just came back this weekend from a very small sleepover birthday at her best friend's house with only one other girl there. It's very odd for a child to want to exclude their best friend. It's usually the parent that does the excluding

A child with ASD will too exclude a friend. And not in an emotional or personal way. The mom said the other mom tried to persuade her son to invite the friend but he chose two QUIETER friends.

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Reasonabledoubt66 · 25/10/2022 01:08

It's possible that your son was not invited to his best friend's birthday party for many reasons not known to you or your son. You son may consider 'Ben' to be his best friend but he may not feel the same way. In any friendships or relationships, the feelings may not always be mutual. Another consideration could be economics in 'Ben's' family where they may be faced with a hardship or another underlying issue. The best action to take is to communicate with your the mother of your son's and find out why your son wasn't invited. Another question that you need to ask yourself; who is more disturbed by not getting an invite? You, or your son?

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Kitkatcatflap · 25/10/2022 04:54

mumofron Any update? Did you speak to the mum?

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