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AIBU?

AIBU no party invite

214 replies

MumofRon · 14/10/2022 19:21

I need help! I am furious! DS “best friend” has not invited him to his party again!

Best friend will be referred to as Ben

Backstory I work FT, studied for 2 years on weekends, so my DS birthday is a big deal for me. Meet parents, ensure my son has a great time, etc. Ben and DS share cousins my SIL married Bens uncle.

so last year he had a party, DS wasn’t invited I was more upset because she lied to my best friend on the playground saying they weren’t doing anything (best friend has child in other class)

I find out as nephew sleeps over and asks DS if he is going to party. DS is devastated.

this year same again but what makes it worse a friend asked me why we wasn’t there, his child recently moved to the school (been friends for years) and was invited

My DS STILL wants to invite Ben to his party.

i know there is nothing to do about it but I have many options. I am favouring the most immature right now so I need help on my options;

  1. Egg their house on Halloween and blame kids
  2. Pay ridiculous amounts to invite all children in class except him and have amazing invites I’m thinking sweet invites and personalised lanyards like really go crazy (I’m favouring this as I am a crap throw)
  3. invite only special friends from school - Ben not included
  4. the above but invite him

    i want the mum to feel how shit I feel right now, but I don’t want to upset Ben at the same time. please vote and help me
OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1027 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
37%
You are NOT being unreasonable
63%
thequeenoftarts · 15/10/2022 21:36

Sends 10 million eggs, get your throwing arm ready haha

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Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 15/10/2022 21:44

Encourage your son to find better friends.

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RedToothBrush · 15/10/2022 21:46

QueenofFox · 14/10/2022 21:14

How old is Ben?

there was a girl who was pretty obsessive about my daughter in reception/year 1 and my daughter found it a bit overwhelming. DD wasn’t allowed to talk to other children that sort of thing (the school moved them into different classes as a result to allow my daughter some space to make new friends so I do have another adult’s perspective on it). The girl would have said they were best friends and was apparently “devastated” when she wasn’t invited to her year 1 party but my daughter was clear that the friendship didn’t make her feel good. I’m not saying your son is like this, I’m trying to make the point that two children can view a “friendship” very differently. Talk to the mum if you need to.

Currently going through something not dissimilar.

Kid has come and disrupted DS and his Best Friend. Mum said 'its so nice x has finally made friends'. It was so awkward. He'd had DS and best friend in tears all that week. And its been ongoing.

Lots more to the story, but the relationship is toxic. School are aware and supportive and are enabling 'leaving him out' when he gets too much. Parents utterly clueless and unaware that their child is so bad even though mother had been approached about the behaviour and there is a long history of difficult behaviour with other kids. School have been dealing with issues for years. We've just had an incident bordering on a safeguarding fail.

I refuse to host this kid. The risk of an incident is far too high. I won't be civil in telling the parents how out of control their kid is, if something kicks off. Thats not worth the risk tbh. I don't give a fuck if it upsets the kid or the parents. My first duty is to ensure DS and his mate aren't being hurt.

If they've made a point of leaving out your DS, there likely is a reason for it. You should ask. You might find out there is some sort of real issue you are oblivious to, but you need to know to address issues. Are you oblivious to something else going on. You know, like a bloody adult.

And on that note, having said all that, I have to say that the fact that you are plotting your revenge in this way, doesn't say a lot for you. And you don't speak highly of the other parents. Are you sure its your DS thats the sticking point? Or could it be you?

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AmuckAmuckAmuck · 15/10/2022 22:25

Can I suggest another solution?

chuck wet paper towels at the windows.

please see parcel thread in chat and contact poster for mutually beneficial outcome.

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carchi · 15/10/2022 23:34

Of course you are upset you are protective of your DS and his feelings. Also you want to know why the invites are not reciprocal I know I would be. Is it because Ben does not want him there or is it the mother saying no invite. Find out first what the situation is maybe confront the mother directly to find out then take action.

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batshitballs · 16/10/2022 07:34

When i was about 9 one of my close friends excluded me from her party. We hung out in a group of about 8 and i was the only one who didn't go. It was after school at her house

I didn't know why. She'd decided we weren't friends

My mum found out and was furious. She bought her a gift and made me take it to school on the day of party. I didn't want to but mum insisted. The girl was sheepish as hell, totally embarrassed . She invited me to party on the spot. I said no thanks, I'm busy tonight.

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Bleachmycloths · 16/10/2022 08:30

SerenaTee · 14/10/2022 19:31

You are correct, you absolutely need help if you’re so emotional over a kids birthday party! Maybe Ben doesn’t feel as strongly as your DS as your DS feels about him, maybe Ben’s mum isn’t keen on encouraging the friendship, maybe they want to restrict numbers at the party and Ben prefers to invite other children over your DS?

No-one who is upset on their child’s behalf ‘needs help.’ That sounds callous and suggests a lack of empathy for the mother. We feel our children’s pain. She is not ‘emotional over a kids birthday party’ she is upset that her child has been rejected.

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RedToothBrush · 16/10/2022 08:43

Bleachmycloths · 16/10/2022 08:30

No-one who is upset on their child’s behalf ‘needs help.’ That sounds callous and suggests a lack of empathy for the mother. We feel our children’s pain. She is not ‘emotional over a kids birthday party’ she is upset that her child has been rejected.

Finding out what the deal is calmly, is the way to go though. So you can support your child and navigate what's going on.

Sometimes it's kids being mean, sometimes it's parents being snobby. But sometimes there is an underlying problem you need to get to grips with too.

Behaving like a child will only further inflame things for your child. It's them that will lose out, not you. It's them who has to go to school every day not you.

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mam0918 · 16/10/2022 09:15

Bleachmycloths · 16/10/2022 08:30

No-one who is upset on their child’s behalf ‘needs help.’ That sounds callous and suggests a lack of empathy for the mother. We feel our children’s pain. She is not ‘emotional over a kids birthday party’ she is upset that her child has been rejected.

She wants to commit crimes and bully a child because she doesnt have the maturity to speak to an adult like a grown up... she absoloutly 'needs help' because her entire post is a walking read flag to anyone with a modicum of empathy and common sense.

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RedToothBrush · 16/10/2022 09:20

mam0918 · 16/10/2022 09:15

She wants to commit crimes and bully a child because she doesnt have the maturity to speak to an adult like a grown up... she absoloutly 'needs help' because her entire post is a walking read flag to anyone with a modicum of empathy and common sense.

This.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2022 09:36

I don’t understand these posts about op needing help. Someone brought eggs up waaay back and op picked up on it and joked. Someone else said about loo rolls and so forth. We Brits have a sense of humour, which often falls into sarcasm and wit. She’s not serious. She already said these comments are light hearted and was asking for help on what to do in the situation. No egging, bullying or throwing of any kind kind of projectile was ever going to happen.

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Bleachmycloths · 16/10/2022 09:40

I took the OP’s suggestions (egging the house etc) as tongue-in-cheek. I am surprised that many posters took it at face value. My understanding is that theOP was asking for ideas on how to handle her problem. 🙄

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Bleachmycloths · 16/10/2022 09:41

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2022 09:36

I don’t understand these posts about op needing help. Someone brought eggs up waaay back and op picked up on it and joked. Someone else said about loo rolls and so forth. We Brits have a sense of humour, which often falls into sarcasm and wit. She’s not serious. She already said these comments are light hearted and was asking for help on what to do in the situation. No egging, bullying or throwing of any kind kind of projectile was ever going to happen.

I agree! I posted a message saying exactly the same thing. Some people can’t read between the lines.

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kilo · 16/10/2022 09:42

We had something similar this year - it is really sad for your DS. My DS was not invited to his best friends birthday ( although it wasn’t a big proper party, just two other friends over) My DS is 11 and too old to be palmed off , he wanted an explanation so I did speak to the Mum about it, we have known the family for years and she is lovely but it was still hard to do! She explained they are waiting on an ASD diagnosis and their son had said he would find a big party overwhelming and just wanted his two quieter friends there. Hard for my DS to totally understand but it did help him to move on. I approached it by getting a card and small gift ( sweets) and saying ‘DS has been asking when he can give a present to yours as he missed the party? He’s been asking me why he couldn’t go and was upset to miss it’ I felt that it was important that they knew that it’s had a negative impact on my DS and her DS needs to be aware but also know that DS wanted to give him something. The mum had tried to persuade her son to invite mine ( apparently). I felt that this way my DS felt listened to, hers didn’t get punished and she and I were not awkward. Me and DS did have a conversation about friendship though and how friends should treat each other. If the parents aren’t willing to demonstrate how to be a good friend to their son, we won’t be investing massively in this friendship going forward. He was invited to DS party several months later and I felt happy that my DS felt able to do that and had loads of other good friends there too. Talk to the Mum, it doesn’t have to be mean, they hurt your and your son’s feelings, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about but they need to acknowledge that and take some responsibility for it xxx

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Bleachmycloths · 16/10/2022 09:44

mam0918 · 16/10/2022 09:15

She wants to commit crimes and bully a child because she doesnt have the maturity to speak to an adult like a grown up... she absoloutly 'needs help' because her entire post is a walking read flag to anyone with a modicum of empathy and common sense.

OP’s suggestions about ‘committing crimes’ are not serious! She is asking for ideas on how to solve her problem. Learning to read between the lines is recommended…

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IhateJan22 · 16/10/2022 09:59

I’m a twin and when I was younger my sister got invited to a party that I didn’t. My Mum asked the parent direct (non-confrontational). I feel like I was even there at the time but can’t properly remember. It was a small school and we had the same friends. I look back now and realise that kid never liked me, I wouldn’t of known at that time but it was subtly obvious in the years to come. No idea what I did but I now know she didn’t like me. 🤷‍♀️

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Maisymoomoo22 · 16/10/2022 10:04

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/10/2022 19:35

I'd actually go passive aggressive on this one.
"Hi Ben's mum, have Ben and DS fallen out do you know?"
"No, why?"
"I just wanted to check after you didn't invite DS to Ben's party, obviously I didn't want to put you in an awkward position with the birthday party invites this year so I won't invite Ben if they're not getting along."
I'm usually really direct, but this one really brought out the PA in me! 😮

Definitely this.

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Kimya · 16/10/2022 10:06

2 but I'm petty af.

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Toomuchtrouble4me · 16/10/2022 10:07

TwiggletLover · 14/10/2022 19:31

I would ask Ben's Mum directly why DS has not been invited. Tell her how devastated your son has been and see what she says

This

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Toomuchtrouble4me · 16/10/2022 10:18

I e just realised that DS is 8, and you still stay at parties.

  1. Maybe that’s why, maybe Bens mum invites children of the adults she can tolerate hanging out with at party.
  2. 8 is too old to be staying unless the parent asks you to, usually is just kids and close family and maybe an adult friend who stay.
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AdobeWanKenobi · 16/10/2022 10:36

Toomuchtrouble4me · 16/10/2022 10:18

I e just realised that DS is 8, and you still stay at parties.

  1. Maybe that’s why, maybe Bens mum invites children of the adults she can tolerate hanging out with at party.
  2. 8 is too old to be staying unless the parent asks you to, usually is just kids and close family and maybe an adult friend who stay.

3.As they share family, maybe OP is invited to stay for a drink and a catch up.

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celticprincess · 16/10/2022 10:43

We have similar issues. Girls mainly who fall in and out a lot though. DD tells me it’s a friend’s birthday and can we buy a present to take to school. Then party photos appear on fb of said friend having not invited DD. Next 2 friend don’t have a party (they never do) so DD takes a gift to school that she’s picked out herself with her own pocket money - different months. Fast forward a few more months and DD is allowed to invite a few friends for her own birthday and declares she has no friends. The two she spent time and her own money of gifts for earlier in the year have now stopped speaking to her. Whilst telling me this we bump into one of her previous best friends who she had tried to invite but who said she couldn’t, out with a few other girls from the class for her birthday. Then, DD has her small party (one friend and some family) and then a couple of weeks later is back at being best friends with one of the ones earlier in the story. I can’t keep up. I’ve stopped trying. I don’t even get upset about it now. Only slightly sad at the time Dad declared she had no friends. Oh and the so called fiends who stop speaking to her do randomly call her to play online games - I suspect when they’ve run out of others to ring.

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DreamsDoComeTrue1974 · 16/10/2022 11:22

Next time you see the mum why don’t you casually say “How was Bens party? Did he enjoy it!” Just so you make a point that you know the party happened but don’t come across as bitter about it.

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threatmatrix · 16/10/2022 13:05

I know you should never lower yourself but I’d go no.2 all the way. Is there a way you can afford a helicopter 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

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threatmatrix · 16/10/2022 13:07

PoundOfNesh · 14/10/2022 19:59

I’d lean towards 2, but then again I’m a petty fucker who will always cut my nose off to spite my face

I’m with you 100%, I’d throw the arty of the year even if it made me broke.

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