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AIBU no party invite

214 replies

MumofRon · 14/10/2022 19:21

I need help! I am furious! DS “best friend” has not invited him to his party again!

Best friend will be referred to as Ben

Backstory I work FT, studied for 2 years on weekends, so my DS birthday is a big deal for me. Meet parents, ensure my son has a great time, etc. Ben and DS share cousins my SIL married Bens uncle.

so last year he had a party, DS wasn’t invited I was more upset because she lied to my best friend on the playground saying they weren’t doing anything (best friend has child in other class)

I find out as nephew sleeps over and asks DS if he is going to party. DS is devastated.

this year same again but what makes it worse a friend asked me why we wasn’t there, his child recently moved to the school (been friends for years) and was invited

My DS STILL wants to invite Ben to his party.

i know there is nothing to do about it but I have many options. I am favouring the most immature right now so I need help on my options;

  1. Egg their house on Halloween and blame kids
  2. Pay ridiculous amounts to invite all children in class except him and have amazing invites I’m thinking sweet invites and personalised lanyards like really go crazy (I’m favouring this as I am a crap throw)
  3. invite only special friends from school - Ben not included
  4. the above but invite him

    i want the mum to feel how shit I feel right now, but I don’t want to upset Ben at the same time. please vote and help me
OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1027 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
NotBloodyCovid · 15/10/2022 19:12

MumofRon · 14/10/2022 21:59

This response is not from me

This was my response Ottersmith, not the Ops cos you were being totally nasty and your comment was uncalled for. I definitely could see you as a breeder of a mean boy or mean girl..

Caroffee · 15/10/2022 19:19

Don't invite Ben. It's his mum's fault rather than his but you have to treat people how they treat you otherwise you just become a doormat and will be teaching your son to be one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2022 19:26

Your poor dd @Cantdoitallperfectly, perhaps it was an oversight? Otherwise the mum is awful.

As for op, I get it. This gets soooo much easier as they get older. I had this with dd in year 1. The mum had decided my dd was an undesirable as dd was a lot younger than her dd and she thought my dd’s age appropriate behaviour was too immature. She misunderstood something, blew it all out of proportion and managed to get her dd to stop speaking to mine for 6 months. They were absolute besties until then and play dates also stopped.

The girl didn’t invite dd to her party and dd was devastated. We did something really nice, which taught dd to treat herself well when in pain. Had she been invited I’d have spent money. She still invited the girl when her party came around. The next year, it happened again, predictably. Dd was disappointed but more accepting. I can’t remember if dd invited her again. I don’t think so.

You know what? They aren’t friends anymore. They started speaking when they went to secondary and they’re not, not friends, they just don’t hang out. The girl, however, likes to have very few friends. Otoh, my dd loves to have loads of friends. So actually it did dd a favour in a way as she had to find other friends and be her true self. Even though it actually took her about 4 years to truly get over the pain, she learned a lot of resilience from the situation.

Your ds will get over this and learn resilience if you play this well. Big hugs to him. I know it hurts when they’re little.

StinkyWizzleteets · 15/10/2022 19:31

Egg the mum in the playground. Get others to join in.

my daughter and her best friend had this experience with their mutual best friend. The mother didn’t like me or other girl’s mum (we didn’t look acceptable) so my daughter never got invited to the party. Sadly the best friend took to apologising for her mother by about age 8 or 9 with the other two and it really damaged the girls relationship with her mum as they became teens.

MelroseGrainger · 15/10/2022 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

THIS! OP is being massively childish, her son is already showing far more emotional maturity. And he’s the one who is actually hurt.

TashaG · 15/10/2022 19:34

2 then 1 for good measure 😬

controlyourfuckingmutt · 15/10/2022 19:35

Why does your son still want Ben at his party when Ben and his mum exclude him? I would teach your child to have better boundaries and think about the limits of kindness when that's a one way street and damages your own self esteem. I'd then plan a really special birthday for a select few. If your son still wants Ben there, I would speak to his mum and ask her why her son didn't ask yours. If it was Ben's choice to exclude your son, speak to your son again and tell him the truth about his "friend". If it was the mother's decision, then you need to make the hard choice to defend your child from shitty parents who look down on him, or just to invite Ben and see you here again next year.

Bikeybikeface · 15/10/2022 19:37

When I was 9 or 10, a girl in my class held a swimming party and I was the only one not invited. I only found out about it the week after when my classmates were talking about it and the girl was shushing them. This was about 35 years ago. Obviously I don’t still feel hurt but it’s stuck with me. I never looked at her the same, still don’t actually.

Blueink · 15/10/2022 19:38

It's annoying, but if your DS wants Ben there, invite him anyway. Speak to the Mum about it, or just ignore. Visions of you with loo roll was funny though.

Catflapping · 15/10/2022 19:52

Ben might be your DS’s best friend but is your DS Ben’s? My son is one of those kids who is friends with everyone but no real solid connection as best friends with any. Now he’s older and wants more activity based partied choosing who to invite is a bit of a nightmare, this year he had 2 birthday ‘outings’, bowling with one group that fit well together and jump in with the other. I felt really silly doing it but it made DS happy. I can’t imagine many parents are as wet as me though and would just so no, one party pick this many. Is it possible this is what happened? DS has one boy that buys him friendship bracelets, presents from holiday and the like but DS wouldn’t wouldn’t consider him a best friend unfortunately, not out of nastiness, he just spreads himself thinly across a large group of people!

ScotsBluebell · 15/10/2022 19:54

It gets worse, but also better. When DS was about 13, one of his 'friends', who we had fed, entertained, given lifts to, made firm plans to go to a particular event with him, and then at the event itself suddenly abandoned him to sit with a bunch of older boys, who to be frank, didn't much want him - we could see the dynamic from where we were sitting. (This was an event for all ages.) I could feel DS hurt, the way you do, but we didn't make a big thing of it. Cue forward a few years and with an unconditional offer, DS was doing a year at a local college between school and uni. Friend met him in town with a bunch of cool new friends. That night he phoned, wondering if DS would 'like to meet up'. I fielded the call, nicely. Said I would pass the message on, but I thought DS might be 'a bit busy' now. (He was.) Immense satisfaction. Of which I was somewhat ashamed. Good thing to come out of all this, though, is that DS often touches me with his perception of other people's feelings.

As far as your DS and Ben are concerned, I think I would definitely ask his mum what the situation is. (Not that I wouldn't be eyeing up the eggs as well, though!)

pensterino · 15/10/2022 19:55

I remember every slight at junior - and even infants' - school as if it were yesterday. I'm 66. I was a badly bullied child though.

Yesnoormaybe · 15/10/2022 19:56

Egg the mother

BadNomad · 15/10/2022 20:02

Why has your DS not asked his friend why he's never invited to his parties?

Northbright · 15/10/2022 20:04

The moral high ground is always the most satisfying. Just invite Ben to all your parties and also loudly invite the whole class. And then say how its so much better inviting everyone and you would hate to leave a child out. Then you look generous and kind and can't be accused of being passive aggressive or pleading with another parent to ask your child to a party (humiliating...don't do it!).

SparkyBlue · 15/10/2022 20:10

@pensterino I'm the exact same

Northbright · 15/10/2022 20:14

Northbright · 15/10/2022 20:04

The moral high ground is always the most satisfying. Just invite Ben to all your parties and also loudly invite the whole class. And then say how its so much better inviting everyone and you would hate to leave a child out. Then you look generous and kind and can't be accused of being passive aggressive or pleading with another parent to ask your child to a party (humiliating...don't do it!).

This also includes making excuses up about why you are asking Ben's mum why your son isn't invited. Very difficult to pull off without revealing why you are really asking and how hurt you are (I wouldn't be able to as I would cry,) And its important to keep your pride and head high as in the long run it doesn't really matter.

Gemcat1 · 15/10/2022 20:17

I can remember something similar with my DS. There were 3 parties where he wasn't invited 2 of which were the whole class. So, I rang the mums for a chat and they said that they were surprised not to have heard from me about coming. I would point out that I used to have lots of children at my place on a regular basis especially on inset days and these mothers would deposit said children at my place for the day. It turned out that DS had missed scoring a goal or something similar so they were mad at him. You have 2 choices here, have a restricted number party and ask DS who he wants to come. If he chooses Ben then talk to his friend's mother to check that there isn't an issue between them because you want to ensure that they both have a good time. That may well embarrass her with any luck. The other is to have all of the kids with friends and family to help, put out toys for them to kill each other with and retire with wine. Works brilliantly.

MyStarBoy · 15/10/2022 20:22

It's absolute shit of her, BUT don't hurt Ben and don't hurt your DS, so do what he wants when it's his birthday party.

oosha · 15/10/2022 20:39

MrsJamieDornan · 14/10/2022 19:57

I'd do this too. I could not stand letting the mum away without a little discomfort about why she hadn't invited him.

And then egg the cow's house.

Agree with this too….definitely egg the house also

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2022 20:41

pensterino · 15/10/2022 19:55

I remember every slight at junior - and even infants' - school as if it were yesterday. I'm 66. I was a badly bullied child though.

I was also bullied at school as well as at home so nowhere was safe. Each sleight was amplified. I made bloody sure my dd didn’t suffer in the same way.

lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:46

Egging sounds fun!!😂


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Untitledsquatboulder · 15/10/2022 20:50

The moral high ground us always the most satisfying

Don't agree. I find self respect for myself and mine very satisfying. Being a moral doormat less so.

mam0918 · 15/10/2022 21:02

I dont fully understand you DS connection to this kid, they are distant cousins only through marraige and attend the same school (not class) right?

From that I wouldnt expect to be invited.

Two things instantly came to mind as to why you weren't

  1. Ben is NOT your kids best friend, kids can be polite and play together if they are together (especially under their guise of 'family') but it does NOT make them actual friends just polite friendly aquaintences. Is Ben by any chance older? not wanting to baby sit a younger cousin at your birthday party is a fairly average thing.


  2. You kid is a hellion... if you DS really is actually proper best friends then this is the only reason I can think the mam would not invite him, my mam had to ban a kid from my birthdays after he seriously deliberately hurt someone. Some parent refuse to see their kids bad behavior and correct it, I usually see these parents quote 'boys will be boys' then just laugh but if parents wont parent then other parents have to stop inviting the kid around.

    If theres no other issues the these two are the most logical options in what seems the most logical order, if you heave hooves think horseys not revenge lol.
Pugalicious · 15/10/2022 21:07

Egg the house and the car. Wait until it is a dry night

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