Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

A) destination birthday. Is that a thing? Dear god.
b) she sounds like a total drama Queen
c) enjoy your unexpected break with F and ignore her amateur dramatics.

As a light sleeper and someone who refuses absolutely to share a bed with anyone who is not DH ( and even sharing with him is a bit of a pain) I never go anywhere unless I explicitly know exactly where I will be sleeping and on what.

I'm not sure why you were so certain you wouldn't be on the sofa bed when three of you paid the same price, but your friend definitely overreacted.

This!

You paid an equal share to stay in a villa which you are now not staying in and you are staying elsewhere. Did the management allow you to transfer the cost of your stay to your room or will you be contacting CF BG to get your share of the villa costs returned to you??

I'd be damned to take the communal sofa as my bed having paid equally into the pot, only to then have to find another room at additional costs.

You're not to pay twice for staying in this location and you're definitely not to give her the gift you brought for her.

Sofa bed would be an absolute dealbreaker for me too.

Shes completely unreasonable

i remember I was pissed off enough when I went on a hen do when I was pregnant and was put in a tiny twin at the top of the house (up 4 flights of stair!) with no space for our overnight bags, with someone I didn’t know as we both got there later due to work. We’d all paid the same and everyone else had en suite rooms!

You said that you knew there was a twin room and a sofa between the 3 of you. If I was arriving a day late - I KNOW I’d be put on that sofa bed. It’s a no brainer, the other 2 are clearly going to choose the twin room. I sympathise though with the pregnancy, I’m 10 weeks and I am so tired. I know that this isn’t ideal, and I know technically you don’t have too. But personally, I would of text the BG before the trip and told her that you are pregnant, struggling with tiredness would be great if you could have 1 of the twin beds. I imagine she is hurt because she got back from sightseeing to you both just up and leaving elsewhere, when you already knew the sofa bed was an option.

But I think she’s unreasonable to kick you off of her party. Especially after travelling all that way. Even if I was upset I could never just tell my friend who spent money on travel, time off work etc “not to come and move on”

So I think she is unreasonable, but you definitely could of handled the sleeping situation way better

Do people really behave like this??

It’s not hotheaded. I’m pretty sure she did it calmly and politely? No way would I sleep on a sofa in the middle of a living room instead of a bedroom. Some people would but the op wouldn’t. Completely fair.

The BG paid her back the cost of the villa.

You were in the wrong for being snotty about the sofa. She was being snotty for overreacting about booking other accommodation.

I think she behaved badly but I'd imagine how it happened was when she got back , the other girls told her that you had a stop because YOU were expected to sleep on sofa! They probably read it that you had know there was a sofa bed but never In your wildest dreams did you think that you'd have to sleep there( the insinuation being it was fine for everyone else not clearly not for you.
She totally over reacted about everything though and your friendship is probably over which is a pity if she was a good friend

The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

That makes me wonder how "sidelined" you were going to be tbh.

You're an adult-why would you need to take someone with you?

That's not to say that I don't think that you both behaved badly.

She's obviously taken umbrage that her arrangements aren't good enough for you.

When did you know that you would be later & therefoew likely getting the sofa?

Have you contacted her again? It would be a shame to miss the celebration. She might have cooled off, or you might be able to explain.

Friend wants a destination birthday and everyone to make a big fuss of her for a weekend and is perfectly happy for one of the party (her supposed best friend) to sleep on the sofa in the living area and be ecstatic about it all.

She's being completely ridiculous.

No-one unless they're a Piss head wants to crawl into a sofa bed after everyone else has gone to their rooms and especially if you don't drink. Being around pissed folk is dreary at the best of times, but waiting for the last one to go to bed, not a chance!

Ditch them and enjoy your lovely break with F. (Is he the daddy?) 🥰

I can see how it was open to interpretation and might have come across like this – especially if the OP didn’t text BG when they arrived to let her know they were going to make other arrangements. I mean, you would, wouldn’t you? I wonder if OP is honest she would admit there was a bit of annoyance/huffiness on her side?

See it from her point of view.
Organised a trip with colleagues plus best friend and her friend. Told everyone there was a twin room and a sofa bed (assume this is a double).
Me and colleagues arrived and settled in, went sightseeing.
Best friend arrived a day later, didn't even speak to me and walked out saying the accommodation wasn't good enough.
You both just need to speak to each other. You maybe pregnant but she doesn't know that so it's not relevant to how she feels.

"When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed"

From this I would say it was definitely clear that there was a possibility you would end up with a sofa bed, and as a PP said if you're a single person it seems to make sense it would end up being you. If you knew you would have a problem with a sofa bed you should have made that clear as soon as she mentioned it, and either get her to agree that you would be able to sleep in the twin, or if she couldn't guarantee this then you should have booked alternative accommodation at that point and explained why. Dont understand why you would just assume you would be able to sleep in the twin without even saying you wanted to?

I think she's overreacting by uninviting you though. Maybe there's something else going on? Have you done other things in the past that she could be annoyed about and for her this is the last straw?

How did you express your feelings and explain you weren't happy and were staying elsewhere? Did you seem pissed off? There must be some other reason she is so upset. To be honest I wouldn't be too happy if a friend I'd invited to my birthday showed up and suddenly said they didn't like the sleeping arrangements and wanted to stay elsewhere. It does sort of put a downer on things and you really should have expressed concern about the sofa bed earlier.

Having said that, yes she's being a bit mean and overreacting so I can only think there's more to this.

Yup

I've read the thread and I can't see where the OP mentioned that the BG paid her back her contribution to the villa. I'll go back and read the OP's posts again.

I’m struggling to understand this. Why is she snotty for not wanting to sleep on a sofa bed in the living room when she’s paid the same as everyone else? I wouldn’t either!

OP, you’ve already held your hands up to your oversight re the sofa bed, we all make mistakes. But her behaviour around it all is absolutely shocking to me. She sounds like a brat. After all the money and time you’ve spent coming to share her birthday with her, she disinvites you simply because you made your own choice?! I wouldn’t be interested in being friends with someone that entitled and spoilt.

Does she have form for this kind of self centred behaviour?

The sofa didn’t work for you, you found another option. That doesn’t impact on BG or the party in any way, in fact it probably improves the experience in that they don’t need to be quiet around you when they fall in drunk! BG is being utterly twattish.

No bloody way would I sleep on a sofa unless Armageddon was upon us and it was my sole option. To boot, you’ve spent good money and wasted work days on this trip.

YANBU and the “friendship” would be done for me.

Here you go, it's in the original post:

"She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa".

she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

Sixth paragraph in the opening post.

You're 100% right @SoupDragon , it was in the opening post. I read that at speed at first and the second time I saw where the BG paid the OP back her share of the villa.

She's obviously pretty obnoxious to disinvite you to a party when you e travelled to the south of France.
I guess it was a party for a 12 year old?