Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

Even if that’s the version BG heard from others or interpreted herself, her response should have been: Sorry you weren’t happy with the accommodation, I quite understand as I didn’t want the sofa bed either. Thanks very much for coming all this way for my bday, see you at drinks.

Can't believe you apologised to her!!

You sound lovely

I did think your message to her was overly generous and yup it let her twist it all to be you as the diva

Her reply would have given me the absolute rage. Has she even apologised for disinviting you?!

But all this falls away when we are left with the fact that you have the most magnificent friend of them all…….F

I am beyond jealous. I badly need an F in my life. Your other friend? not so much. 😉

I love how you all thought someone else would end up with the sofa bed so were all happy to go along with the booking.

KatherineJaneway

I love how you all thought someone else would end up with the sofa bed so were all happy to go along with the booking

Did you not read the thread?? Sofa bed was mentioned months before, OP assumed it would be discussed and final sleeping arrangements made nearer the time. Then I have to assume at being 8 weeks pregnant, OP found out 2 possibly 3 weeks before the trip and after recently losing a baby clearly this news would've knocked her for 6, all the emotions, I imagine this was all that occupied her mind. So of course, and as OP admits, she completely forgot about the sofa bed until she arrived and saw the sofa bed!

Yes I did read the thread thanks 🙄

Someone was always going to end up with a shit place to sleep but they all still went ahead assuming it wouldn't be them or they would never have agreed in the first place.

100% this!

I've read the whole thread and as soon as I read "currently teetotal" my first thought was that you were pregnant. Considering BG knows you lost a baby last year, it's not a huge leap to guess you'd been TTC and pregnant again, in which case allocating you the sofa bed is unbelievable. (Where was F meant to be sleeping, on the sofa bed with you?) That it didn't occur to her that you might be pg again (assuming she knows you're not drinking) shows a level of self absorption, so I'm glad you and F have had a nice time, and don't think you need to lose sleep over the 'loss' of this friendship.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Then the OP assumed incorrectly didn't she? She set off, arriving a day late knowing this had never been discussed, knowing the BG couldn't possibly know OP was pregnant. When did the OP think it was going to be discussed? The day she arrived- with all the other guests staying up all night in case the OP wanted one of the bedrooms?

I don't know why she keeps wittering on about assuming this would be discussed- she knew perfectly well it wasn't. She turned up and as far as the BG is concerned, flounced elsewhere. In her OP she doesn't mention giving the BG any prior explanation.

I can understand why BG wanted no more to do with her. She sounds like an drama queen making this all about her.

Yes - this is what it boils down to really, and no I wouldn't base holiday accommodation arrangements on the basis someone may or may not be pregnant- who does?

The moral is if you don't want to sleep on a sofa bed, make your reservations known at the time of booking, or arrive first so you can claim one of the twin beds.

Did the BG know the OP was "currently tee total"?

The OP being pregnant was a drip feed on here. Do you really think that because BG knew about a past miscarriage that BG should formulate her plans around the off chance the OP might be pregnant? If the OP is assuming that that indeed shows a level of self- absorption.

I'd love to hear the BG's version of events.

Also, if you need naps and early nights with silence, privacy and no interruptions, then maybe going away to stay with a group of strangers drinking was not the best idea to start with. Plus, if you can't cope with two nights of broken sleep now, you're going to be in for one hell of a shock when your baby comes 😬

You have been more than reasonable (you didn't even ask for your contribution to the vila to be refunded) and she has made a huge drama out of nothing. It may be a miscommunication, but she has been hugely unreasonable not you. I would just enjoy your holiday with F and if you feel like it speak to BG when you get home to sort it out.

I think the minute she said one person would have a sofa bed you should have stopped her right there (because there was every chance you would get it) and said you wouldn’t chip in for accommodation where you possibly wouldn’t have a bed in a room. By not flagging this up and proceeding you are accepting that it may be you on the sofa bed. You forgetting that option doesn’t make you right and her wrong.

She shouldn’t have booked such accommodation but she did run it by you.

I understand why you went to book another room but if the sleeping arrangements are such a big deal (they are to me - I would have to know exactly where I’m sleeping) you should have been all over it, not forgetting about it. You have cost her extra money now to cover your share (which was an unfair share admittedly but all should have been sorted before).

Though she shouldn’t have uninvited you, that was a bit dramatic. I would have been annoyed but just got on with it and spoke about it later.

(Where was F meant to be sleeping, on the sofa bed with you?)

The answer to this is in the OP.

From what op said, BG did know op is teetotal. She has been since ttc. Op also said BG isn’t interesting in having children and therefore is probably clueless like many of us including myself pre pregnancy.

Not really. The BG was supposed to remember the OP likes early nights and just possibly might be pregnant and was apparently supposed to factor all that in and initiate a discussion about who got the sofa bed.

The OP on the other hand knows she likes early nights and is pregnant but somehow managed to forget, despite the early nights and naps being so important to her, that there was a sofa bed.

I think you Brits have a version of Judge Judy or some other reality court show. You should sue your friend in small claims for the total cost of your trip and the friend they invited. This is a contract case, and you spent the money traveling to the Destination with the implicit intent of attending
the birthday party. BG changed the contract by disinviting you because she got into a snit. Someone needs to teach her a lesson

Well, here’s a drip feed if there ever was one (sorry!)

When flying home I was looking through the original messages about the trip, and she had actually been considering two different places. Option 1 was a house with 7 bedrooms and enough beds for everyone, Option 2 was the hotel with the dorm and self enclosed villa. BG said she preferred option 2 because the terrace was better and it was a bit cheaper. She said the vote was split pretty evenly among the group. I (stupidly, in hindsight) said option 2 looked good because I figured it was her birthday and it’s the one she wanted. So that was a mistake. None of this drama had to happen, and everyone could have had a bed!

Also, option 2 was floated with the info about the sleeping setup but also a comment that costs could be split 3 ways (between the 3 in the twin and on the sofa) or perhaps adjusted to be split more fairly. So it was left on an unresolved note with a suggestion that the details could be ironed out later, and now I KNOW why I promptly forgot about the sleeping arrangements - I filed it away under “to be sorted out later,” and didn’t think about it again.

I'm sorry OP but your actions are a bit incomprehensible to me.

You absolutely, definitely did not want to sleep on a sofa bed, yet you deliberately chose the accommodation that meant somebody would have to do that.

It seems from your update that the friend really tried her best to pick the accommodation that was best for the group. Ironically it sounds as if yours was the casting vote that meant you stayed in the not suitable option, that you refused to stay at.

Banning you from the party was an overreaction, but I do have a certain sympathy for friend with this update.

Are you serious??

My sympathy is with the friend. I'd love to hear the BG's version.

Just arrived home. I think I’d be hard pressed to ever accept an invitation to this kind of trip again. And if I ever have the misfortune of organising a group trip I think I would just give people the dates and the hotel I was in and leave everyone to sort their own accommodation. That way everyone gets to choose their own level of comfort and decide what they want to spend.

I have my booking-in appointment on Tuesday and soon I will have the scan. Thanks to all of those who have wished me well with this pregnancy, it’s been a real comfort during this rather anxious time.

Drip feed extraordinaire.
Looks like you have been the diva all along OP.
Your friend sought everyone's votes before booking.
She booked it and because you ' forgot' what accommodation was booked had a strop when you were given the sofa bed you signed up for.

Option A would've been so much better all round!

Have you responded to BG's last message, when she put the blame all on you?