Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

She is Not your friend

This! It doesn't sound like she deserved the apology at all and the fact that she is refusing to acknowledge her part in it does not bode well for sorting it out. I suspect she's been in an echo chamber of people all agreeing that she is right and you are wrong since it happened. Maybe once she's home and had some time to reflect on what you say, and possibly get some perspectives outside the group, she might realise how she's acted, but I really wouldn't hold my breath tbh.

Where do you think her response to your apology leaves your friendship?

im not sure. It is a long-standing friendship (since high school in fact, although we fell out of touch for many years after school.) Aside from this trip our adult friendship has been completely drama-free and easy going.

she is not a diva or a high maintenance friend, but based on her response I feel she has a complete blind spot about what’s happened on this trip and her part in it too.

i would like a chance to talk properly, and she said in her response that she hopes we can catch up at home soon. Any conversation wouldn’t happen for awhile as I have 2 work trips cued up over the coming weeks.

At least this will give us both time to gain a little perspective and distance from the situation.

(and I will update the thread of course)

Send her this thread!

you’ve not written anything negative, you’ve been factual in what you’ve written and largely objective. You’ve acknowledged your wrongdoings and gained much needed perspective on the situation… I think BG needs the same!!

Send her this thread and just say something like “I was upset I was disinvited after the effort and expense of travelling for your birthday. I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable to feel that way and sought outside opinion… insert link!

I think we need to chat”!

that’s what I would do. Then you’re telling her everything that needs to be said without actually doing so!

I did actually think about sending her this thread. But there’s a lot of comments calling her twat etc and it just wouldn’t be helpful for the overall situation I feel.

Given that from BG’s perspective she may feel the OP left the birthday celebrations, yeah I kinda can see why she might feel justified.

She probably turned up to the evening drinks expecting the OP to make time to talk to her and explain what had happened. Turning up and not saying one word about it (albeit because there was no good time to bring it up) - I can see why that would leave someone feeling hurt and rejected and therefore angry.

I’m not saying BG comes out of this brilliantly, just that I can understand why she might also be pissed off and feeling wronged.

I might leave this at just the first sentence.

It does seem that she has accepted your apology as absolving her of any wrong doing.

You never called her a twat, nothing even close (even if strangers did). And you’ve said nothing outing on here, no personal details, names etc… so she can’t get upset. She will get defensive though… because she’ll realise she’s wrong! Not necessarily a bad thing.

id predict you send her this, she’s get defensive, stop talking to you for a week. Realise she is 93% wrong and apologise for her part in it all - then you can move on!

Thats my prediction!

alternatively… she may create her own thread and the fun continues 😂

Anyway… I hope you enjoyed your break away with F regardless. He sounds like a great friend x

Things won’t be the same again. What an awful shame. To be disinvited is mean and petty and there will always be an unbalance in the relationship, if you accept her non apology. I hope you had a good time with F and whatever you do - don’t give her the gift!

OP did communicate her choice once she was booked in. It’s not like BG wasn’t informed.

It’s clear you don’t get a. what mature behaviour would be in this situation and b. how appallingly BG behaved.

I don’t even agree that ‘communication’ would have made such difference - that’s unknowable - but the issue appears to be more that OP organised to sleep elsewhere than that OP didn’t notify her immediately.

i would like a chance to talk properly, and she said in her response that she hopes we can catch up at home soon. Any conversation wouldn’t happen for awhile as I have 2 work trips cued up over the coming weeks.

I think you need to notify her just how badly she behaved because she clearly doesn’t get it.

I would just say: I apologised for my part, but your behaviour was so appalling, so disproportionate that I’m not sure our friendship can survive it.

I’m open to discussion but it would have to involve an apology from you otherwise we’re wasting our time.

This is a good response.

She is not your friend.

Her behaviour was not normal.

It was appallingly rude.

Only you can decide if this is behaviour you want to move on from.

I think you would be very silly to allow her response to stand.

Also a good response.

I cannot imagine on what planet people live on that you go on a trip and are disinvited and asked to "move on".

Completely unbelievable.

It’s interesting that you said you’ve encouraged her to be more assertive before. Sometimes people don’t stand up for themselves in various settings and all the pent-up emotion from that will
suddenly be wrongly redirected and aimed at an innocent bystander, in this case -you!

If her colleagues are a bit more dominant than her and she was travelling with them, this may have been her rather ill-advised way of asserting herself. It won’t be a conscious thing of course but deep down this may be what’s it about, more than her being so offended at your lack of communication before moving out.

BG’s response to your apology was outrageous and I think if you let it stand it totally sends out the wrong message. It may seem a bit weird to her for you to bring it up weeks later that you aren’t happy with how she behaved.

It makes much more sense to allude to it now, even if you say words to the effect of ‘ I’ve apologised for my Part in this but Thats not to say I take complete responsibility for how the weekend went. I was actually really hurt and quite shocked that I was disinvited and would like to discuss in more detail when we meet face to face. Hopefully we can find a way to move on from this”

That’s true, but it would also show her how other people who don’t know either of you viewed the circumstances….

I think you’ve behaved beautifully. You have made a very gracious apology for your lack of communication, but nothing else. Her reply does seem to lay the blame for your absence at the party on your shoulders, which is clearly not the case.

If I were you, I would do nothing else now until you meet, and let that be at her suggestion. Then I would show her this thread, and tell her, face to face, how much you had spent and how “angry and upset” you were to receive a curt message disinviting you to her dinner. That you considered your friendship to mean more to her, and you are going to struggle to get passed her appalling behaviour.

Im not sure I could get passed such behaviour. I wouldn’t necessarily drop her completely, but I wouldn’t see her in the same light again. And I would be telling her that.

I couldn't imagine one of my friends throwing a strop like that in a different country after I'd travelled to celebrate a special day. Banning me from it and sticking to those guns.

I couldn't come back from that at all.

By the time you come to talk you probably will have announced your pregnancy (hopefully) which could be a convenient hook for her to use to explain your behaviour in her head and that she was right and you were just funny due to hormones. So watch out for that.

If you were all 40 then really no one wants a sofa bed in the lounge. Did she ask you to attend, then book then tell you the bed situation or get clearance from all before booking the villa? As what ca you do when she had booked accommodation fir 9 and then don't fancy one of the available beds. Very awkward for any guest.

I agree with @burnoutbabe that especially if you’re all around that age then a sofa bed in a communal area is not something anyone would be happy with and BG should have made sure there were appropriate sleeping arrangements for the whole group. She made sure she was ok though didn’t she with her private room with en-suite. I think you’d have to be very self absorbed to arrange it like this. Just because it’s your birthday, it doesn’t mean your comfort and enjoyment is more important than everyone else’s.

I am surprised you felt the need to apologise to her! She has seen your message as an acknowledgement of fault and not the olive branch it clearly was.

I too would be replying making it very clear you travelled thousands of miles at great expense to attend her birthday and could not sleep on a sofa bed, so made your own arrangements privately. You are owed an apology op.

I am not sure why you have let her off the hook, she has treated with utter contempt. This will fester if it is not sorted out properly, assuming you even want this person in your life in the future. Any kind of decent friend do not treat their friends in such a shabby way. Have higher standards op, her behaviour is extremely poor and currently she is blaming you for it!

*would not treat

I think all you can do now is leave it a while and see what happens next. You've admitted mistakes were made, apologised and so it's down to her. I still can't get over the fact she disinvited you to the celebrations, that was OTT, and I'm not you!!. Good luck. I hope the pregnancy is going well. 🙂

for a destination birthday i wouldnt sleep on a sofa bed regardless selfish bitch

Exactly. If I had arranged something like this, if anyone had to take the shitty option it would be me! But I would have chosen somewhere for for purpose and having someone sleeping in the living room of a party house is not fit for purpose

It would be interesting to hear her side of the story.

Although you say you didn’t strop (and I’m not disputing that) I wonder if that’s not how it came across to the others there, who don’t know you, or how it was conveyed to her. If the story she heard was, ‘NotWelcome turned up, pulled a face and a sulk about having the sofa bed, stormed off to ‘look at the beach’ with F without inviting anyone else to join them and then came back and announced they were staying somewhere else’ then I could see why she might be off with you.

What you thought was being polite (not making a fuss, not discussing with anyone else that you weren’t happy with the bedroom situation, immediately finding somewhere else without any discussion) may have come across as rude, stand-offish or over the top to everybody else, especially as they don’t know you’re pregnant, not a big drinker or wanting to go to bed early. It does come across as sort of rude to just go and stay somewhere else without even a discussion to see if anyone else would be willing to move rooms to accommodate you, and these sort of things are often exaggerated so it may be that your slightly rude behaviour was then exaggerated and explained to the bride in a way that made you sound really unreasonable. If everybody was complaining about you being rude to her she may have thought it wAs better to uninvited you to the day’s celebrations. Neither of you have the other’s side of the story so I wouldn’t write off the friendship yet until you know her point of view.

Ooh this is much better