Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

It seems from your update that the friend really tried her best to pick the accommodation that was best for the group. Ironically it sounds as if yours was the casting vote that meant you stayed in the not suitable option, that you refused to stay at.

Yes, and did you see the bit where I acknowledge THIS WAS A MISTAKE

Have you responded to BG's last message, when she put the blame all on you?

No I haven’t. I don’t really want to hash things out over text and if there is a discussion it must be had in person.

You do need to discuss it face to face, but I would give her the head’s up beforehand on her behaviour so she has time to reflect before you meet up.

This, please say this. It gives you back some of your dignity in this and lets her know you absolutely do not accept all the blame for the situation and her appalling manners and atrocious behaviour is a matter for further discussion - if you feel like it.

But as far as BG knew you were happy with Option 2 as that’s what you had said was nice.

So it probably did look a bit shitty that you left when you realised you’d have to sleep in the accommodation that you’d actually opted for.

That doesn’t justify what she did though.

So it probably did look a bit shitty that you left when you realised you’d have to sleep in the accommodation that you’d actually opted for.

Yes and I’ve already acknowledged my shit behaviour multiple times in this thread and also sent an apology to BG.

What a bizarre thing to get upset about. What does it matter where you sleep or were you all expected to sit around in your pj’s playing truth games and telling scary stories

just enjoy the rest of your time there and get the money back on the present

and don’t get pulled into her drama it’s her who should apologise you went out of your way to celebrate her birthday

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time here, OP.

The accommodations sound shit. And even if you agreed to that option, there is nothing wrong with re-evaluating on arrival and making your own arrangements nearby.

What kind of friend would want you to be uncomfortable and miserable on a grubby fold-out sofa in a communal room? Ask yourself that.

Anyone who disinvites over such a trivial matter really isn't worth pursuing a relationship with. And frankly, past a certain age, group trips are godawful.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

You certainly need to apologise. I've read all your posts. It's all me, me, me and what other people should have done/ should have thought of/ should have remembered/ should have discussed beforehand.

Oh and should be mind readers too since the BG was supposed to remember you might be trying to conceive but somehow ignore the fact you approved the option you weren't happy with

Well another way of looking at OP turned up late, didn't like the accommodation and flounced off without even telling the BG.

The excuse about having to go and look for other accommodation is feeble. OP and F could have booked something on their phones and then stayed at the villa until BG came back.

Agree with @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
If you go back and reflect on this while thread this drama has been all of your own making. You really need to apologise properly to your friend.

Not Zelda sorry the poster after that. This thread is moving too quickly

I know you've acknowledged your part in this, but for me at the end of the day she rescinded the invitation to the party which was why you went, and that is the real issue - for me! Hope you get to sort it out with her and you are still friends. Best of luck with the pregnancy, exciting times ahead!

Except with any normal adult such as myself: you turn up at my party and decide you don’t want to sleep on a sofa bed, that’s ok. You don’t make a fuss, just organise your own alternative accommodation - great I don’t have to even think about it.

Good to see you thanks for coming all this way to my birthday, let’s have a good time.

What I would not do under any circumstances, even is disinvite someone from the entire party your friend has spent time and money coming to.

It’s so massively disproportionate as to be batshit.

Oh please they are all adults and she didn’t want to sleep on the sofa. perfectly understandable

that she has travelled I would be grateful to anyone who made such a effort staying in separate accommodation rather than a lounge of course I would understand why an adult would want to do this it’s not a teenagers sleepover

its spoilt childish behaviour from the op’s friend

Even if they booked somewhere on their phones they still have to check in and stow their stuff. They saw BG later on anyway.

It’s interesting the drama lama posters, admittedly a small minority, determined to interpret OP checking into alternative accommodation as “flouncing”.

I would be absolutely appalled if this happened to me. However I would have communicated this at the time. Going to the effort and expense the way you did for this person and to be excluded in this particular way is dreadful.

Inviting you last minute perhaps shows she realised her mistake but too little too late.

two wrongs don’t make a right

If you think OP needs to apologize, you aren't agreeing with me. I think the BG is the one who owes OP the apology, and frankly I wouldn't be bothering with BG any longer. All the OP did was find accommodation to her and her friend's liking.

Quite.

Like tea and consent: sofa beds are a thing you can think ok in principle then change your mind, or forget about, or get pregnant and not want. It doesn’t mean you have to go through with drinking the tea/sleeping on the sofa bed just because you waved it through a month or two ago.

I posted the drip-feedy update even though it doesn’t paint me in the best light because I thought it was ironic and the tiniest bit amusing, even.

But I can see now that it’s probably just going to change the thread from

YOU DIVA YOU KNEW THERE WAS A SOFA BED

to

YOU DIVA YOU COULD HAVE HAD A VILLA WITH NO SOFA BED

Can I just remind people that the final decision was not mine, the preferences were split and the BG herself preferred option 2 which would have surely influenced the final choice.

Frankly, I think I’m just a bit bored of hearing, reading, saying and writing the phrase “sofa bed.” I know the sofa bed is the real sticking point in this thread, but in my actual life the bigger concern for me is that I went to a lot of trouble and expense to attend a party which I was then disinvited from at the last minute, and that my friend doesn’t seem to recognise the magnitude of this even a little bit, even after an apology from me for my part in it.

I don’t see why she got so upset about you moving to different accommodation. Retracting the invitation and suggesting you move on was unbelievably rude and immature. I don’t think I would want any more conversations with her after that.

I think you're right. I find it extraordinary that you would go to so much expense, energy and effort in order to celebrate a friend's birthday, and her response is to be pretty because you're staying somewhere else.
I can't fathom how anyone could be so self absorbed.

Frankly, I think I’m just a bit bored of hearing, reading, saying and writing the phrase “sofa bed.” I know the sofa bed is the real sticking point in this thread, but in my actual life the bigger concern for me is that I went to a lot of trouble and expense to attend a party which I was then disinvited from at the last minute, and that my friend doesn’t seem to recognise the magnitude of this even a little bit, even after an apology from me for my part in it

Absolutely. I think most people get it OP, it’s very peculiar of her indeed.

It's crazy to me that some people are getting so caught up on whether or not you agreed to the situation instead of her acting like a LITERAL 5 YEAR OLD. I just cannot get my head round it.

Agree