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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is being a bit selfish

292 replies

cherrytreelanecherries · 14/10/2022 10:02

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

OP posts:
FairlySane · 14/10/2022 10:05

Why can’t MIL come to yours - sorry if I missed that in your OP.

CallTheMobWife · 14/10/2022 10:05

Why can your grandmother go to your parents and you have MIL in your house?
She's not being selfish at all. She doesn't want to have Xmas in her house, she didn't invite you, you invited yourself. She's not asking you to do anything at all.

You're being a lot more selfish than she is

luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 10:05

I’m not saying you have to but I don’t why MIL can’t just come to you if you usually host. Your grandma is staying with your parents so why does she feel she is making your MIL spend the day alone?

I imagine it’s quite stressful having to think about Christmas so soon after losing her husband. My MIL passed away recently and Christmas will be a very difficult time. I can sort of see your MILs thought process in not wanting to be in her own house hosting while getting used to Christmas without FIL.

CallTheMobWife · 14/10/2022 10:06

Why can't

ApolloandDaphne · 14/10/2022 10:08

She says she wants to be alone this year if she can't be at your so i think you just have to accept her word on this and make plans that suit the rest of you. Either have her to yours and your GM goes to your DM's or she stays on her own and you go your DM's along with your GM. Over the years i have come to realise you can't always suit everyone at Christmas and you just have do what is best for the majority.

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 14/10/2022 10:08

Can't she come to yours?

saraclara · 14/10/2022 10:09

I don't understand why grans presence at your parents has MIL being alone, either. What's the connection? This is very confusing.

TeaStory · 14/10/2022 10:09

I don’t understand why you think she’s being selfish? She’s said what she wants and seems happy enough for you to do what you want. If anything, you’re being selfish by trying to control everyone’s Christmas (2.5 months in advance!).

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/10/2022 10:09

Your options make no sense. If your gran is going to your parents why cant MIL come to you?

youagainomg · 14/10/2022 10:10

Have your Christmas at home, let your MIL the invitation is there. Your grandma will be fine at your parents. Stop stressing and enjoy Christmas at yours.

youagainomg · 14/10/2022 10:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 10:10

So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

You can still do this, only MIL comes to your house.

You go to your parents on Boxing Day or whenever you were originally going to see them.

What’s the issue? You can’t force someone to host Christmas, and especially not a recent widow who has told you it would be too difficult for her this first year.

Original poster
cherrytreelanecherries · 14/10/2022 10:10

youagainomg · 14/10/2022 10:10

Have your Christmas at home, let your MIL the invitation is there. Your grandma will be fine at your parents. Stop stressing and enjoy Christmas at yours.

This might actually be the best option.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 10:12

Why were you trying to be at MIL’s in the first place? How did it help anyone?

saraclara · 14/10/2022 10:13

cherrytreelanecherries · 14/10/2022 10:10

This might actually be the best option.

Show quote history

It's the obvious one. I have no idea why it hadn't already occurred to you!

If she didn't want to come, please just accept that. After my dad died my mum didn't want anything to do with the Christmas that followed. She stayed at home and had a quiet day with her books and some nice non-Christmasy food, and had no regrets at all.

Original poster
cherrytreelanecherries · 14/10/2022 10:13

So I know this probably won’t make sense but I guess it is just families for you…

If MIL comes to ours then my family and grandma will feel they have to come too, even though I don’t think my grandma is well enough.

If we were to go to MIL’s then that option would be off the table and my family could just stay at home.

MIL isn’t actually “happy” to be on her own, it is her chosen option but she will moan about it etc.

OP posts:
saraclara · 14/10/2022 10:14

Didn't should read 'doesn't'

BattenburgDonkey · 14/10/2022 10:14

I don’t understand why she can’t come to your house, it will be decorated anyway, and you are happy to cook anyway… obvious choice surely?

Original poster
cherrytreelanecherries · 14/10/2022 10:14

saraclara · 14/10/2022 10:13

It's the obvious one. I have no idea why it hadn't already occurred to you!

If she didn't want to come, please just accept that. After my dad died my mum didn't want anything to do with the Christmas that followed. She stayed at home and had a quiet day with her books and some nice non-Christmasy food, and had no regrets at all.

Show quote history

It’s not the first Christmas since he died, to be clear. But yes I accept it’s her choice to do what she wants on Christmas Day. She won’t be happy about being on her own though and will make that clear!

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 14/10/2022 10:15

The woman wants to be left alone. Entirely her choice. Not selfish at all.

Babyboynamehmm · 14/10/2022 10:15

Yes I can’t understand why you’re trying to get MIL to host it and don’t just have it at yours? If you do every year anyway, surely that’s the best option?

Personally I FAR prefer having Christmas in my own house.

BattenburgDonkey · 14/10/2022 10:15

cherrytreelanecherries · 14/10/2022 10:13

So I know this probably won’t make sense but I guess it is just families for you…

If MIL comes to ours then my family and grandma will feel they have to come too, even though I don’t think my grandma is well enough.

If we were to go to MIL’s then that option would be off the table and my family could just stay at home.

MIL isn’t actually “happy” to be on her own, it is her chosen option but she will moan about it etc.

Just tell them exactly why you are doing it this way and then they don’t feel they have to come, because they aren’t even invited. It doesn’t need to be so difficult at all OP. Your MIL doesn’t sound any more awkward than the rest of your family, she’s just sad.

Original poster
cherrytreelanecherries · 14/10/2022 10:15

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 10:12

Why were you trying to be at MIL’s in the first place? How did it help anyone?

So she wouldn’t be on her own, because she’s said she doesn’t want to be on her own at Christmas. But we didn’t realise that she meant she doesn’t want to be on her own AND doesn’t want to be in her own house.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 10:16

cherrytreelanecherries · 14/10/2022 10:13

So I know this probably won’t make sense but I guess it is just families for you…

If MIL comes to ours then my family and grandma will feel they have to come too, even though I don’t think my grandma is well enough.

If we were to go to MIL’s then that option would be off the table and my family could just stay at home.

MIL isn’t actually “happy” to be on her own, it is her chosen option but she will moan about it etc.

They won’t though, you just tell them you are having a small Christmas with MIL since it’s so recent since FIL passed.
Your parents can just host your GM.
Everyone is happy.
Genuinely don’t see the issue.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 10:16

If MIL comes to ours then my family and grandma will feel they have to come too, even though I don’t think my grandma is well enough.

You’re saying it’s actually an issue with your parents? That they’ll feel like they’re ‘missing out’?

Tell them MIL is not up to a big family Christmas and wants to have it just with her DS and his immediate family this year.

Unless your parents are terrifically selfish they’ll understand.

Then plan a different day’s festive celebration with your lot.