MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

OP you can't please everyone all of the time! So go easy on yourself.

I think there are two separate things.

I don't know why you would feel like you have to travel to your MILs, something that she doesn't want you to do, just so you can justify it to your parents. It's actually their issue not hers! Why does your grandma feel bad..surely the answer to that is to have it at yours but she just doesn't come!

If it's really that you just want to go to your parents, with your grandma, then as long as MIL has the option to come with then that's fine. I do think she shouldn't just be left alone (I know you're not suggesting that).

Having said that I don't think you are unreasonable in the general principle. You've given perfectly reasonable options. If your MIL doesn't want to do any of your suggestions, all of which are fine, then that is up to her. I wouldn't be doing anything to accommodate it further.

I guess I'm being a bit contradictory but in essence Yanbu.

She's an adult not a child, they can't force her to go and speak to anyone, jesus christ

People are also missing the part where op says that if they leave her alone, she then moans that she's lonely.
How long until op and family can get on with their lives if op is soooo selfish 🙄

I do hope MIL's long term plan isn't to emotionally blackmail your DH into asking her to move in with you. She is clearly and understandably comfortable in your home, is this what is behind her reluctance to carry on and make a life for herself?

Why would you think that? Are you into any popular conspiracy theories by any chance?

She says she wants to be left alone if the only options are for us to come to her or for her to go to my parents house. Not that she wants to be alone full stop.

She actually talks a lot about how miserable and lonely she is and says that she doesn’t want to spend Christmas on her own.

Ultimately a PP nailed it and all she really wants is FIL back again and that can’t happen 😞

If MIL comes to ours then my family and grandma will feel they have to come too, even though I don’t think my grandma is well enough. - There is your problem; not MIL's "selfishness". Sort them out to stay put and then have MIL with you.

Ii think she is being selfish

You have tried to find compromises

See your dgm

I’m going to step away from this thread now as I think it’s reached the point where the same arguments are being made on both sides (and also because my work shift starts in 90 minutes and I need to get off my phone and sort the kids out 😂)

Thanks so much to everyone who has contributed on both sides, it has honestly given me so much food for thought and helped me to see several issues from a different perspective. So I really appreciate everyone’s time and wisdom.

I am not able to offload about this to DH for obvious reasons so it’s been nice to have a safe space to talk things through! Thank you.

@cherrytreelanecherries the PP is right. What she wants cannot happen and that is profoundly sad. I suppose she is miserable sometimes. Her husband died a year ago. It's a bit upsetting. My mum was shockingly short-tempered with us after our dad died. She did this mad thing of signing up for thousands of pounds of replacement UPVC windows because "you don't care about me any more." My brother told the firm to back off. Totally out of character for my mum but understandable under the circumstances. She was very ashamed of nearly being conned like that so we agreed never to mention it again.

For perfectly reasonable reasons you cannot see your on Christmas Day. Lots of us have been. Just see her another day and stop saying you desperately want to please everyone.

Just have her over to yours and don't say anything. If your parents and grandma ask, you're spending Christmas with MIL so she isnt alone. Just neglect to mention which house.

This really is taking up too much brain space and it doesn't need to.

• your MIL - that is

Mmmm my xmas plans this yr....on my own in my house with my husband and my own kids if they want to come...noo pressure. May not have xmas dinner...might have steak 'n chips. Simple :)

Bitter experience I'm afraid.

That's your MIL not mine. And also not my mum to my sister-in-law and brother. Lots of widowed people want to come round to visit their children and grandchildren but in my experience they are more than happy to return to their own houses when it's over.

Your experience is not usual. It's just particular to your family. Why does Mumsnet have a downer on old women and think they are trying to feed your children crap or take over your life?

My mum had a life of her own. My MIL could never live up to her but she is a very nice woman too. Neither of them wanted to live with me and I wouldn't want to do that either even I am approaching 60 which is decrepit in Mumsnet years.

Though if they had to I would make up the spare room and we would make it work. We might even enjoy it. I loved my mum and though my MIL has her moments she's not bad either.

OP, you have the patience of a saint. You are most definitely not the nasty one here.

My mother was a little bit like this. She was very dependent on my father. Scared to drive on the motorway, scared to be alone, he paid the bills etc. She earned money and was financially literate, but my father did those things.

I used to worry for her if my father died first. I figured she’d move in with my sibling (her preferred child) as she wouldn’t cope alone. As it turned out, she died first. My father was (is) terribly sad, but was (is) much more self sufficient so has been able to build his life back up again.

I do feel for people like this, who depend on another and then that spouse dies. I don’t know how you’d help her in this situation. My mother would - like I said - have just moved in with my sibling, it would have been the only way.

I think if you want to ensure she’s not alone at Christmas, you should host it and be completely honest with your parents - you’re very worried about granny travelling, you don’t want them to feel obliged to come, but if you don’t host Christmas then MIL will be on her own. Then go and see them on Boxing Day.

But this emotional labour shouldn’t be yours. She is your husband’s mother. Let him do the worrying and pandering.

(Or, really, you could just run away from it OP! Book a trip to somewhere warm and fun for you and your kids! I think I’d be tempted 😁)