MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

It baffles me that you think the one who isn't being flexible and understanding enough here is recently bereaved MIL rather than your family who don't understand 'no, you really don't have to come'.

Because then my MIL will be happy and my family won’t be. I can’t just tell them they’re not invited.

But I take your point that nobody should take precedence.

How is that her fault? You're calling MIL selfish because YOUR family will make a fuss if she comes to you? Even though she will stay at home alone so that your family will do what's best? Crazy.

There's an easy option. Invite your MIL to yours, do not invite your family.

Then you have Christmas at yours to which she's invited. If she comes, she comes. If she doesn't, but moans about it, remind her that she was invited and she's made her own choice.

What does she want you to do, out if interest?

Can your DGM not decide for herself if she's too unwell to travel? There's a lot of telling other people what they should be doing going on here.

It’s not her first Christmas without FIL and she had a “big family Christmas” with us last year.

Why is MIL the problem here when your family are the overbearing ones?

Yeah it deff isn’t MIL that’s being unreasonable here. Also she’s grieving, she shouldn’t have to host to avoid upsetting her DILs parents.

I have no idea what she wants, whenever we ask her opinion on literally anything she says “I don’t mind”.

Yes, best she comes to you.

But harsh, OP, to declare her ‘selfish’ when you made a decision to move yourselves in to her house, fait accompli ! And around the needs of your family. Christmas arrangements always become tricky as a family evolves: new babies, losses, infirmities.

Can your DH spend some time with her, encouraging her to have some refresher driving lessons (if she once drove?). Two widowed women in my extended family developed a new lease of life once they started driving again after a lifetime of “the man always drives “. How is she supposed to volunteer and develop independence if she is reliant on others for transport?

Ok fine I accept I’m being unreasonable and MIL was bereaved last year and therefore is a saint. Thank you everyone.

She wants to come to yours but you don’t want her to because your family will want to come, despite the fact you’re not inviting them?!

it’s not your MIL that’s the problem here!

But now you know that you can just tell your family, and that will be OK. Unless they are also inclined to think someone bereaved is ‘a bit selfish’?

I get Christmas and families and particularly in-laws are frustrating, and I see that you feel MIL isn’t helping herself but just remember what you explained to us to begin with - she’s suddenly and recently widowed at a relatively young age only just retired. Give her the time she needs this year.

Oof, showing your true feelings there How Nasty.

I'm confused as to why you are so reluctant to have an adult conversation with your own family about Christmas day plans.

And that your head-in-the-sand fix for that was to invite yourself to your MIL's house.

Then why don’t you don’t plan to go to your parents house, and then you can either invite MIL or accept she’ll be alone on Christmas Day?

Seriously, you have no idea how many times we have tried to help her with driving. We have suggested that she go out for some driving sessions withy DH. We have offered to pay for a refresher course. She just refuses.

That is just the tip of the iceberg, I have found counselling sessions and bereavement groups and volunteer opportunities. All proposed to her very, very gently and with no pressure. She refuses every single one and says she doesn’t want to. Then in the next breath she complains about being bored and lonely.

She just wants to sit on her own in her house and be sad.

Clearly this is about how you feel about MIL in general.
You are coming across very childish, your family seem to get a free pass for everything but MIL is selfish for doing half as much.

You got way more unreasonable with that childish and petulant comment.

Unclench and stop trying to control everyone. Invite them, don't invite them, whatever. They're all adults who can make their own decisions.

I would just do exactly what you want as long as your MIL is invited - other than xmas at her house which she doesn't want and is perfectly entitled to refuse of course. I'm not really clear about who is invited where or who doesn't want to go where tbh but as long as you are including your MIL in any option then she doesn't HAVE to have xmas alone she is choosing to. I get she's grieving but I'm guessing you won't have too many xmases left with your gran.

I don’t completely understand why if you have your MIL to yours everyone else will feel obliged to come, especially if you’re clear that you think it would be better to be separate this year (say something like I think MIL would really appreciate a quiet one) and if you’re firm about this. That said I think if your grandma wants to come to yours you should let her try. I don’t think it’s really that unreasonable for MIL to not want to host at hers in the circumstances. She should come to you and then leave your parents to deal with your grandma.

Saying that it would be better to be separate this year won’t work because we were all together last year.

Yeah, to be fair it was unreasonable of me and I would never say it in real life. I’m just really frustrated trying to keep everyone happy and am being honest on an anonymous forum.

I promise I’m nicer in person.

That’s nasty and unnecessary.

Just invite her to yours for Christmas. Tell your grandma to go to your mum’s as they had already planned. Nobody is alone.

Sorry, I see your parents already did invite her.

Look, I think you and your family could give her the quiet Christmas she wants this year, at your house, and be generous about it. Then next year you do exactly what you want to do - and if MIL chooses to sit in on her own, that’s her prerogative.

A year is a very short time in the span of a long marriage. It’s frustrating helping a grieving person who doesn’t seem to want to help themselves. But it’s still only been a year. 12 months. It’s actually one of the worst times, in a way. Next year hopefully will be better.