MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

So what if you were all together last year? That doesn't mean you have to be this year?
Why are you making all this so complicated?

I dont understand.

You plan was your family an grandma have christmas at theirs so granny doesnt have to travel and you have christmas with MIL, but you're insisting on doing it at her house when its normally at yours, why can't you just do that at your house like always?

No one is changing anything or making it harder except you, host MIL at your house and granny is hosted at your families... really simple.

In the nicest possible way, that's just a bit silly. Have MIL at your house, tell your parents to stick to the original plan of having it at theirs with your Grandma. If she's too ill to go to yours then that option is off the table anyway!

This is bonkers

I mean we can’t use that as an excuse for why it’s best to have Christmas apart.

I think you haven't quite moved into the adult position in your family of origin. You are still either going to your parents or providing a venue for them to "hold" the extended family, based on an assumption of them as the main adults/parents and you as the children even with your children too, falling in underneath the pecking order.

But actually you are the main adult couple now, hosting your own Christmas. You have to say to your parents sorry WE are not doing a party for you this year, we are doing our own small Christmas for our nuclear family and inviting MIL.

You don't want to do that because basically it's loads more fun having a "family of origin" Christmas where you have all your own old family traditions, you're looked after a bit, your mum's there to help cook. Really it's so much more fun when the burden of the event doesn't fall wholly on you.

Sadly though you've got responsibilities to MIL now to host her as an elder, in your core family Christmas.

It isn't really much fun, but that's adulting for you. Your turn now to step up.

Your Grandma wasn’t travelling as she was too unwell to, so it makes no difference whether you’re at your or your mother in law’s house?!

But it’s your house, you get to make the rules regardless of what happened last year. Have you discussed your grandma with your parents- I’m sure between you you can think of something to prevent her coming if you really think it will finish her off? What about if you go over to your own parents all day on Christmas Eve, then maybe your grandma will be so sick of it all she’ll be more than happy not to come to yours. It actually sounds like it’s your side of the family which is potentially a bit more difficult (unintentionally I am sure).

Quite. Didn't take long.

Saying that it would be better to be separate this year won’t work because we were all together last year.

But that was last year. Perhaps she actually found it really really hard and can’t face it again?

Surely your parents can be understanding?

I can see it must be very frustrating, and also distressing to see her like that.

Presumably she is still in shock, grief and possibly depression. She lost her DH unexpectedly early, and with him her life, the retirement they planned, everything.

I lost a live in partner, my job and my home earlier in my life, it took me a year and a half to ‘do’ anything.

Scoop her up and have her at yours for Christmas. It is on your Nan and parents to decide if they are well enough to travel or feel they ‘should’ come to yours, you don’t have to bear the weight of their decisions.

Christmas really is tricky!

I'd go to your parents. Your granny might not have many xmas left. Leave invite open to mil.

Yes I’m leaning towards this now.

I just feel bad leaving MIL on her own but you can’t please everyone can you.

You don't NEED an excuse! The truth is just fine..MIL doesn't want to go to your parents, and your granny can't come to you. So, seperate it is.

Again, why are you making all this so complicated?

Stuff like this is why we always have Christmas just as our house family unit of four. Too much politics otherwise, and my kids like being at home on Christmas Day.

You don't want to do that because basically it's loads more fun having a "family of origin" Christmas where you have all your own old family traditions, you're looked after a bit, your mum's there to help cook. Really it's so much more fun when the burden of the event doesn't fall wholly on you.

this made me laugh out loud - my mum is a wonderful person but the worst cook in the world. She definitely doesn’t help with that 😂

You don’t need an excuse! And that doesn’t even make sense, your ‘excuse’ is just whatever you want to do.
You are making this ridiculously complicated.
You invited yourself to MILs but she told you she doesn’t want to host, fine.
Your options are have MIL at yours and just her.
Or have MIL and invite your parents and Gparents. Your grandma is an adult can can decide if she’s up to travelling, otherwise they stay at your mums.

Its literally so easy.

You are making a mountain out of this and using it all as a stick to chastise your MIL unnecessarily.

It’s your mum that’s the difficult one really, isn’t it, OP?

Would put poorly grandma in the car to come to yours regardless?

Yep this is how we do it too, our parents did the same when we where little so no one 'expects' to be hosted we can all relax at home and no fights/hurt feelings etc...

I would do this too.

Your MIL had the option of not being alone and she didn't want to take it. That's her choice.

If she moans about you going there, you can gently remind her that your Nan is 96 as might not have many Christmases left and that she is invited too if she doesn't want to be alone.

You are actually leaning towards leaving your MIL on her own for Christmas rather than having her in your house? Blimey.

ok so the specific detail of helping cooking isn't correct, because it's a tiny example to pick out. What do you think of the broad idea? Your blind spot is the idea of an option where your parents don't get exactly what they want.

Yep, we always had xmases at home too @mam0918 - no lofty expectations. We would visit before Xmas to drop off presents, or after for new year. But Christmas Day was always at home, just us four. So chill.

My in laws like a full on Xmas - dressed up for the meal, set times for breakfast, lunch, drinks etc. Queen's speech. Xmas walk.

My side was always much more low key, and that's how my family prefer it too, last year we made and ate Xmas lunch in our pyjamas.

She can come to my parents house if she wants to, she’s invited and we’d drive her there (despite it being a six hour trip).

As I said above I’ve also suggested that we get a holiday cottage if she would prefer that.