MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

And yet you can't have the far easier 4th option where you don't spend it with your parents, but MIL is happy.

But only if you don’t have to directly say ‘No, you’re not invited this year’ to your parents.

It is pretty odd that they’d accept they couldn’t come to a holiday cottage but not that they can’t come to yours this year.

If MIL comes to ours then my family and grandma will feel they have to come too, even though I don’t think my grandma is well enough

They don't have to come to you. It's up to you whether to invite them and up to them to decide whether to accept

Does your grandmother want to come to you for Christmas? If so, maybe encourage her to do that, rather than make a decision on her behalf that she's not well enough...

The trouble is your "trying to keep everyone happy" is coming across as you being controlling.
You think you should have Christmas Day at MILs - she doesn't want that.
You think your grandmother shouldn't travel to yours - what does she think.
You think your parents won't be happy if MIL is at yours on Christmas Day - have you explained to them.
You think your MIL just wants to sit at home and be unhappy - well she's an adult not a project for you. Maybe she needs to sit and be unhappy for a while.

You seem like a person who wants to do the best but you really need to relax and let other adults make their own decisions. You also need to realise that the fact that this isn't her first Christmas without your FIL doesn't magically mean she needs to fit in with what you think she should do.

The first post nailed it.

But - I would tell MIL she is invited to your parents. If she chooses to come, fine, if not, fine.

If DH doesn't want to leave her, he can host her at your house. You go to your parents with the kids.

Run away and have Christmas in Hawaii 😂 If it weren’t for the kids I think we would actually do it!

Honestly, he is just exhausted dealing with MIL. He’s an only child and she has no other family so the burden falls entirely on him. He has tried so, so hard to help her build more of a support network locally and it’s not working and she’s just becoming more and more isolated. She goes for days without seeing anyone at all, she is clearly depressed but refuses to go to the GP or for counselling.

This is just one further issue to deal with on top of that and I don’t think he has the energy. I can’t speak about it with him which is why I’m here being probably far too honest.

What is this need for entire families to gather en masse for one rather tedious day? If it causes this much angst and debate, it's just not worth it. Sounds like everyone would be happier just doing their own thing - it's not too late for OP and her husband to book themselves on a skiing holiday for Xmas!

You have summed it up so well.

So granma is your grandma...your parents should understand that grandma is ill and a long journey is not possible....have you had that conversation with them?
Your MIL is in a grieving process that can take a very long time...wanting to hold on to good memories etc. Id follow her lead on where she wants to spend Christmas explain to your family MIL is still very upset and depressed so can't be alone but feels relaxed at yours and under no obligation to be a good guest in their home....going to a familiar place you've stayed at for Christmas is much easier than a new venue where expectations differ and you feel like a visitor having to put on a brave face Id explain that to your family. If your family want to come to you it's ultimately grandma they should be put first but she may really want to spend what may be one of her last Christmas's (sorry but if shes ill you need to consider this) with all of you.

Grieving or not, I don't think it's fair of anyone to make you do all the thinking for them. And it's pretty heavy going to feel entirely emotionally responsible for another adult, especially as your DHs has lost a parent and you'll have been supporting him in his grief too.

Do you even want to host extended family for Christmas or are you feeling pushed into it?

Thank you, you have totally understood the situation!

I guess if I were to look at it on paper I’d think there was an easy solution but family dynamics and personalities and just real life makes it all so much harder.

Invite everyone to yours.

It's up to them if they come or not. Your parents and grandmother will have to decide if they're up to it.

I suspect your mil feels pressured and judged by you with all your 'helpful' suggestions about how she should learn to drive and start volunteering and you should come to her for Christmas etc.
I bet she's partly resisting your suggestions as a small form of control.

Back off, let her be sad. You don't have to fix it.

My solution would be to stay at home. Invite your mil over and it's her choice is she comes or not.

your grandma will be with your parents so no problems there imo. Your grandma will have your parents and seems like the best thing health wise.

and honestly don't fret about it. Personally myself, Dp and dc spend Christmas alone at home without seeing family. It's slightly different as no one in our families will be on their own, obviously if they were we'd spend it with them. But I like a Christmas at home, doing our own thing, being in our own house, no travelling and doing things our way and at our own pace. It's honestly the best thing ever.

But it comes over that their attitude is if shes coming were not being left out so we will come anyway.....have you actually talked with your parents about grandma and what grandma wants...if shes able to make that decision....or what is best for her. If everyone is agreement that its best for her not to travel why would anyone say well tough I'm not being left out of Christmas at yours so we will risk her getting ill/worse and make her travel? That's nuts

There we go.

The mask slips.

Your initial post made zero logical sense. Creating an issue where there didn't need to be one, and making MIL out to be selfish. People pulled you up on this, and now you're throwing your toys out of the pram.

You're clearly resentful towards MIL. And although you tried, you didn't hide it very well at all in your initial post.

Also, reiterating over and over again that it's not even her first Christmas without her husband, as if that makes everything ok, is just a disgusting attitude to be honest. I hope you're at least showing your husband and kids a little more empathy and support than you're showing your MIL here. They lost someone too. And there's no time frame on grief - just because it doesn't suit you, doesn't mean she should just pretend everything is ok when it's not.

Tbh I'm assuming you're a grown adult, but having my doubts here by your attitude.

Trying to make everyone else happy is exhausting and it's also not your job.

Choose where you'd like to have Christmas, at yours or at your parents. Invite your MiL. Invite your family if you want to. Then step back and let them make their choices.

Going forward, stop trying to fix your MiL if she doesn't want to be fixed. Limit the amount of time you spend listening to her complain, that's exhausting too.

You're dismissing the fact that many people say the second Christmas, birthday, anniversary etc. are worse than the first. For the first you have people scooping you up and minding you, but for the second they expect you to just get on with it and you're left with a new normal that feels anything but. And you unfortunately are proving that point. Your MIL doesn't sound like she's being awkward, she sounds like her world has crumbled and she's lost. My heart really goes out to her. Please find some patience and compassion, and give your own family some credit for understanding that it's a delicate situation.

@Wanderingowl Your post really made me tear up and sad to imagine life without my own DH.

I knew someone would say this!

The problem is there is no “right” way to handle things after a bereavement, plenty of PPs above have suggested exactly the opposite and that we should be gently trying to help her. Which is what we thought was best. We are now reaching the point though where we will just stop suggesting anything and if she wants to stay in the house on her own she can.

We really have tried - she has been on holiday with us twice already and and she never has to get the train to come and visit us (she says she is too scared), DH picks her up (6 hour round trip). But she is getting worse not better.

If MIL comes to ours then my family and grandma will feel they have to come too, even though I don’t think my grandma is well enough.

then I think your side are being unreasonable. MIL is hoping to spend it with you in your home as she does every year! Some consistency in the face of everything she’s been through recently is not too hard, especially when you have no good reason! If you Grandma makes the journey when she has a wonderful invitation to spend Xmas with your parents then let her!!

MIL not the issue here.

No, she doesn't. Read OP's posts.

It's obvious you don't understand grief or depression....if you don't suffer it's easy to say help yourself get out get counselling but that isn't how grief or depression are. It has no time limit or magic cure, you can feel silly when others say but it's been ages etc. Stepping out of what you know, routines, security etc is like loosing again talking and counselling is a very new idea not one older people take as normal when they grew up being told to get on, forget, keep busy, etc. And even if you do sitting with someone saying I'm lost, I have no purpose, I can't leave the house, I see him everywhere and all the other things is not easy you have to be at a stage to say it.

Wise words from @Wanderingowl

I get why your mil might not want to go to your parents for Christmas and would much prefer to go to your house. She doesn't need to put on a happy face for everyone. She might be worried if she did go to your parents and suddenly felt overwhelmed she couldn't do anything about it, or would feel embarrassed. Maybe at yours she could find a quiet corner whilst you were busy in the kitchen if she needed to. She probably feels more comfortable at your home.

I think with your grandma, why not ask her what she is happy doing? If she is happy with the drive to and from yours then have everyone there again. If she isn't then just have mil over and your parents just have grandma at theirs. They are complicating things a bit and I suspect making you feel guilty.

Exactly this.

I think you are making things so much more complicated than they need to be.

Host MIL at your house. Your parents can host your grandmother. You and your family can then visit your parents later in the week.

Put that one out there and let everyone consider it. That's the offer. Up to everyone else whether they take it up or not.

Stop trying to please everyone. That way lies madness. If I'm honest, you have come across on this thread as someone who does want to please everyone and who then stamps their feet and throws a wobbly when it doesn't work. Step back from that. Set out what you are doing (my suggestion would be MIL at your house) and leave them to make their own decisions.

You don't mention what your DH's thoughts are on this. They are relevant. MIL is his mother, and it was his Dad who died.