MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

Nail on the head.

I agree with this too, and can absolutely understand why you find you mil frustrating. Yes, she's grieving and alone, but that doesn't mean everything has to revolve around her. Other people count too.

Maybe you have a point, not sure 🤔 but it’s not just about my parents is it. It’s my grandma who gets caught in the crossfire.

If your MIL wants to be on her own then perhaps let her be and stop the fussing

Go and enjoy your Christmas with family

sometimes people juts want to be left alone for various reasons? It does sound like the options our offering are being declined so she can be on her own.

So, why have you suddenly decided the best option is something completely different?

I think that you maybe aren't understanding of how grief is. It can hit you in waves - you might think you are okay and coping one minute and be absolutely wiped out the next. Mil may have been 'okay' last Christmas but the enormity of her loss may be hitting her now the shock has worn off. The experience isn't the same for everyone, which further complicates matters.

She needs kindness and time. Remember that her life has dramatically changed. She will have had plans with fil for her retirement years and her whole future has gone. She no longer has the structure of her work - everything is different. And your dh (who you haven't mentioned in all this) might need to be with his mum at flashpoint occasions such as Christmas. At least for now.

I would not leave my mil alone at Christmas in these circumstances. I would invite her to mine and have a quieter time.

You put your Grandma in that position.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her

Why would you put that on a 96 year old woman? There was no need for her to even know anything about this nevermind feeling bad for it.

There's no crossfire! What are you talking about?

Your plan, you go to MIL's house, your parents and granny are together. MIl says no, new plan, MIL goes to you, your parents and granny are together.
Nothing at all changes for your parents and granny.

Where's the crossfire? Where's the problem? There isn't one, unless you make it.

The problem is she will choose to be on her own but yet will also be sad about it and will make that clear.

A PP spoke about their bereaved mum being on her own on Xmas day because that’s genuinely what she wanted and she had the nicest possible day she could have had (given the circumstances). That isn’t really what will happen here, I fear she will become even more depressed.

She reminds me of mu mother, who was widowed in her 40s. When I was in my teens she became very dependent on me and nobody else would do. Yes there were times when she'd choose to be on her own rather than be even with her other child if I couldn't be with her. Not that she wanted to be on her own, but she could then moan about being miserable and try to make me feel guilty about leaving her.

She could drive, but didn't, and was most reluctant to learn how to use technology such as the Internet.

It's early days for your MIL so it's slightly different.

Could you maybe say she can come to yours for Xmas Day but will spend Boxing Day with your family? She's welcome to come with you or stay on her own at hers.

Did you stamp your feet as you posted that?🙄

Go to an hotel or pub for Xmas lunch - something new perhaps for everyone? One that is reasonably easy for everyone to get to if possible. There won't be any sad past memories then for anyone and no work either!

YABVU. Just have MIL at yours. If your grandma feels obligated to come that’s on her, not you.

What NoSquirrels said. Grief isn’t linear and in many ways the second Christmas without her DH is probably worse than the first one without him.

You’re right that you can’t please everyone but j think the right thing to do here would be to prioritise the feelings of your grieving MIL.

She has never been ok at all in the time since FIL died, and she has only got worse and not better since.

She refuses to start driving again, to consider moving to a smaller place, to have counselling, to consider volunteering, to go to a bereavement course. Even to ask her neighbour to do some urgent DIY for her (he offered!)

We have honestly tried to be really gentle with all of the above and not push her but she won’t accept any help at all.

I get PPs don’t understand why having Xmas at our house is a problem but it is, that’s just families for you and I guess that’s a separate thread.

We’ve offered three different alternatives - Christmas at hers, Christmas at a holiday cottage and Christmas at my parents and she’s refused all of them as the only thing she’s happy to do is come to our house.

If she’s on her own she will be miserable and complain about how sad she is - she really isn’t happy to be on her own, even if that’s the choice she ends up making.

Its just hard and I’m honestly a bit gutted as I thought I’d found a solution which would keep everyone happy.

This is ridiculous. If your parents would cause issues over you saying sorry we’re just having a quite one with MIL this year then they’re just as “selfish” as MIL. Stop being such a people pleaser and do what YOU want.

There's no crossfire! What are you talking about?
**
**
Your plan, you go to MIL's house, your parents and granny are together. MIl says no, new plan, MIL goes to you, your parents and granny are together.
**
Nothing at all changes for your parents and granny.

The crossfire will come from one or other (or both) of OP’s parents who will make a HUGE fuss. They don’t want to stay home and host granny alone.

The plan is all fine IF OP’s mum & dad are not selfish…

Of course you can. The thing with grief is, that it's not a linear thing. In fact, I've often found the initial period of loss easier than the secondary period. In the initial period everyone rallies around, family comes together, they grieve together, celebrate the person's life together. It's fresh and raw but in a weird way there is something really affirming about it.

Then that period ends, the shell-shock wears off, life goes back to normal. And the deceased person is still gone. Forever. If they were someone you shared your everyday life with, you have to keep on going. On and on, finding a way to be without that person. Every single moment a reminder that they aren't there in a way that's just not true for the people who didn't spend every day with them. That foreverness stretches out in front of you, day after day. On and on. It's really, really fucking normal that the second Christmas can feel even worse than the first one. The first one was something new and different, and even when awful, newness can distract. Now she has to face that this is it, the rest of of her life, Christmas after Christmas without him.

Ah so its ok to fuck MIL off but not your parents. They are the problem here not MIL!

To be fair, in two of our three options we came up with we wouldn’t even be spending Xmas day with my parents…

You're being a bit weird in not having Christmas at yours as usual for the reason you've stated. There's no good reason why you can't have your MIL there and making it clear to your parents that they should stay home with your grand mother

I think you're being a bit unfair.

The only issue seems to your family tbh.

What does your dh want to do?

Your parents are difficult.

Your MIL is difficult.

The thing is, your parents are together and your MIL is bereaved.

Don’t blame her for your parents being difficult.

@cherrytreelanecherries - I understand your predicament. Basically MIL is grieving - understandable. Granny is elderly and may not have many christmases left. How do you optimise for both?

MIL may prefer coming over for xmas to OPs (probably best to check if this is the case). But this would not be optimal for granny, as the travel would put a lot of strain on her AND likelihood is her preference would be to see OP and family on xmas day.

I think you should either have MIL over for xmas day this year and go to granny next year. OR go to granny this year and have MIL over the next year.

I would probably go with the 1st option as the bereavement was recent, but visit granny for New Years and spend a few days there.