MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

On one hand you're telling OP not to try to fix things and on the other hand you're telling OP to invite everyone to hers. OP already hosted last year, maybe she doesn't want to host again.

You are obviously the person in the family that draws everyone together - that's me in my family so I understand why you are stressing over this.
However, try to keep it simple. Invite MIL to your house for Christmas Day (or for Christmas Eve to stay until Boxing Day morning).
Explain to your parents that you are worried about your grandma travelling and would feel awful if anything happened to her as a result of that, so you think it's best if they (your parents and grandma) stay at home for Christmas Day, and arrange to go there Boxing Day to see all of them.
People put so much pressure on the one Christmas day when really it's a festival and you can spread out the celebrations.
Regarding the rest of your MILs situation, just let her be for a while. Grief is all-consuming, unless you've lost a life-long partner you can't know how difficult it is just to get out of bed in the morning let alone learn to drive or take up a job. If she wants to stay at home by herself and be sad for a while just let her do that. Then when she's ready, be available with suggestions of how to fill her time.

Your two parents and grandmother will be unable to grasp the concept that a recently widowed woman doesn't feel up to seeing loads of people she doesn't really know that well, and that she would prefer to spend it with just her son, daughter in law, and grandchildren?
Do they have difficulty in general with understanding social and psychological relationships?

She’s been given options, doesn’t like any of them so do what works for the majority then. MIL can come or not, it’s up to her. I don’t see why so many people’s Christmas (yours, DH, DC, your parents, elderly grandmother etc) needs to be dictated by one person?! It’s the 2nd Christmas and if you’re not careful then every Christmas will be like this

She needs to start taking some responsibility for things. I can see why your DH is feeling burned out, she sounds exhausting. Yes she’s grieving but she needs to get some assistance with that

Maybe you really need to stop pushing her to do things she clearly doesn't actually want to do. You are making the really big mistake of mixing up being depressed, a normal human reaction after a death, and the illness of depression. They are not the same thing. Being depressed after a massive loss is not an illness, if she feels she does not want to see her GP or a counsellor, to get her through normal human emotions, then that's fine. It's not selfish of her to not want to do those things. It is selfish of you to expect her to finish up her grieving to your schedule. She needs some understanding, not to be hustled to hurry up and start feeling better because it's inconvenient to you.

It's normal and natural for her to be sad and to 'wallow' in that sadness for more than a year. Life isn't all about being happy. It's sad sometimes. And this is a sad time. So while it's normal for you to be ready to move on. It's also normal for her to still be overwhelmed by sadness. So on occasion, like this Christmas, you are just going to have to make allowances for that.

Was your MiL very dependent on her husband psychologically? If so she may be warming your dh up to be his replacement which is not healthy. Being unable to drive is one thing, but scared to take a train? Would she consider moving closer to you? Would you want that?

I get PPs don’t understand why having Xmas at our house is a problem but it is, that’s just families for you and I guess that’s a separate thread.

This is the problem. You are stuck in some odd feedback loop where you believe this. It’s easy in reality- MIL comes to you, your parents do Xmas at yours with granny. End of. 1001 ways to manage that conversation and have this as the end result but you seem to be stuck in child mode with your parents possibly? Take control.

What are the distances like? Could you go to parents and do Xmas Eve with your side of the family? If distance permits, it may not have been a thing before but it is now😁.

So what are we meant to do in the meantime, just let her sit in the house alone, literally wasting away and crying and getting worse by the day?

I’m not saying I understand because I’ve never lost my husband. But it doesn’t feel right to basically just sit back and let her reach rock bottom and not even try to at least suggest some things which could help.

Also, a woman in her 60’s is not suddenly going to start driving, that’s not realistic so encourage all you like but it ain’t going to happen.

I think your parents are absolutely weird to get arsey about dragging an unwell 96 year old across the country on the basis that you have invited a different woman for Christmas. Why can’t you host MIL at Christmas and go and visit your parents and grandma before or after. Why do your parents insist on coming despite their own MIL/mother being to unwell? Why would they not insist if MIL was alone for Christmas? I don’t see the connection. MIL can’t come for Christmas because your parents will make things difficult for your grandmother is not a MIL problem.

Hugely, they were soulmates and completely dependant on each other. As I said above she only has three close friends. FIL actually had no friends at all. Both nice people just very introverted and only needed each other.

And yes, not getting the train is a huge issue and I thought perhaps she’d be feeling more confident about it by now but as with everything else it is getting worse not better.

Id be happy for her to move closer but she’s said categorically she won’t move (without anyone suggesting it) as where she lives is all she’s ever known.

Some good questions. It’s a big ask expecting you always ferry her around all the time because she’s “scared of trains” but won’t drive

She can drive and has a licence but stopped a few years ago because FIL did the driving and she was happy with that. Just in case that makes a difference.

Also a PP did suggest that we should encourage her to start driving! Without knowing that context! So clearly not something where there is a “right” answer!

Oh, goodness, this sounds so like my mother, and in her case it was exacerbated by her having had a mild stroke. She lived in a sheltered flat where she'd enjoyed taking part in various activities when my dad was alive, but she decided that she just couldn't be bothered any more, we tried to arrange all sorts of things in terms of taking her out, getting library deliveries, activities that would interest her, and she rejected all of it. And then complained vociferously about how bored she was. She seemed to feel that somehow life owed her something to relieve that, but she couldn't say what it might be. At one point, after she'd rejected every suggestion put forward, she pushed me to the point of actually saying "Well, are you surprised you're bored?" which quite shocked her but didn't result in any improvement. With hindsight I suspect it was partly down to the beginnings of dementia - she struggled with dealing with other people and doing new things, but absolutely refused to admit it.

Not sure that I have any suggestions, really, as we never found anything really that helped. Just wanted to express some fellow feeling!

Just go to your mums or take mil with you

You ask above what you’re “supposed” to do- I think this year I would try my best to accommodate your MIL and what she wants by hosting at yours, even if it means some very clear words with your parents.

The difference this year is surely your grandmother's health. Is there any reason why you can't say that you really don't want to be responsible for risking that, hence you're not asking them over, but you will go to see them on, say, Christmas Eve or Boxing Day?

Wish people would take the pressure off Xmas day, spread out the festivities and family time.

How long is grandma staying with parent's? Just pretend Christmas eve or boxing day is Christmas day instead and visit them then? Have a nice Xmas with MiL at your home? Kids will love it, like having 2 Christmases.

It does sound like you have tried to help your MiL by the way. It's obviously not just Xmas that is wearing your patience.

YABVU

your MIL doesn’t seem to want to do the big extended family Christmas this year. FIL has died young a year ago. Just spend Christmas with her at your house and tell your parents not to be ridiculous wanting to drag your granny to your house simply because they don’t want to miss out. You're suggesting all these alternatives that don’t suit anyone Incan attempt to appear like you’re being conciliatory.

Your family and you need to grow up a bit. You’re married and you have responsibilities to your husbands family now too and helping your MIL deal with a very recent bereavement is one of them.

it’s been a year you say yet you can’t understand why MIl isn’t out volunteering, driving after not having driven for years , socialising etc. you’re expected far too much from her.

where is your DH in all this? Does he just have to do what you tell him @cherrytreelanecherries ?

my MIL was in a similar situation with FIL dying young and I never would’ve treated her like you are treating your MIL - let’s be honest you want her driving and volunteering and joining groups so you can wash your hands of having to make an extra effort with her during this difficult time for her. Nasty.

My pills were very much like your mil

So insular but mil is ok on her own now, it takes time but she drives which makes a huge difference

Families are hard work, I can see why DH wants to run off to Hawaii!

I think MIL is not wrong to be grieving or have her own comfort level about where she wants to be or what amount of travel she feels able to undertake alone. Long distance train travel is scary at the moment with all the random cancellations and risk of getting stranded in a strange town. Some of us would handle that, others absolutely wouldn’t.

Equally, you’re entitled to set your own boundaries about what does/doesn’t work for you. You can be kind and accommodating without letting yourself and your holiday be controlled.

In your shoes I would prioritise the needs of very elderly gran, make it clear MIL is welcome but not go to ridiculous lengths to accommodate her. The ‘oh I want to spend it alone’ stuff (when she clearly doesn’t want to) is manipulative, the emotion behind it is understandable but looking at how this has played out in other threads, I don’t think manipulation/weaponised vulnerability something you want to encourage really. Must stress I don’t think she’s sitting there scheming, it’s often unconscious, but the effect is the same. She isn’t the only one with needs in this situation.

Or have Christmas on your own and visit your dm in the afternoon

Do what works for you

Yanbu

I’m still not getting it.
The reason your parents aren’t coming to yours is because of granny who is too old to travel. Perfectly reasonable decision not to come to yours then this year. Everybody understands that, so why will your parents be upset if your MIL comes to yours to avoid her being on her own. It’s not as if they are suddenly being uninvited to yours is it. They sound very understanding and pragmatic. So why do you think that MIL at yours will upset them if they have already said they can’t travel to yours with granny.

‘I’m just really frustrated trying to keep everyone happy’

Well, knock that self-indulgence on the head.
It’ll won’t get you far & you run the risk of becoming Primary Martyr in your family.

So MiL is still grieving.
Grief is normal, we are misshapen & at odds as we work our way through it.
We all grieve in our own ways & sometime makes no sense to the others around us.

I am sure that you mean well, but all these offers to ‘fix’ or bring MiL on out of herself makes you sound like a bit of a pest. Give the woman some space.

Christmas can be the most cruel of times when we miss someone & even the simplest effort or commitment may be laden with unfathomable sorrow. To be that person is hard enough & to be the loved ones watching can be sad & frustrating.

This year, your whole family has too many plates spinning & too many dependencies on the go for the logistics to land neatly. So contingencies & compromises that can be pulled out of the hat need to be scoped & planned in way up front.

Plan & sort yourselves out…with a plan B for MiL is she changes her mind, & plan C for your parents & Granny. MiL says that she wants to be alone at Christmas…at the moment, Respect her wishes, accept what she says but lay a place for her at Christmas lunch anyway.

Get yourselves sorted out at your parents et al, plan to see 96yo Granny between Boxing Day to New Year because you want to.

my MIL was in a similar situation with FIL dying young and I never would’ve treated her like you are treating your MIL - let’s be honest you want her driving and volunteering and joining groups so you can wash your hands of having to make an extra effort with her during this difficult time for her. Nasty.

Well, not really. She says she’s bored and has nothing to do and can’t get anywhere, so we have (gently) suggested options to overcome this.

As above, she’s been on holiday with us twice and been to stay with us multiple times, which involves one of us driving to pick her up (6 hour round trip) because she’s too scared to get the train.

I think we can want her to have some form of local support network and independence without washing our hands of her completely.