Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DH to change arrangements with DSS

185 replies

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:31

The arrangements for picking up dss is that dh does it all, pick up & drop offs, and thats been fine however, we have a very young baby & i am finding it increasingly annoying that he has to be away in the evenings 2-3 times a week picking up dss & dropping him home.

Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum, so we pick up a-lot of the slack. She also has 2 other kids, neither are babies. So i feel that given how much we do & the fact that we have a baby she could try & at least share the driving?

Dh just says you know what she's like & dss will be the one to miss out but how selfish is that, she would let him miss out rather than share the travel arrangements?!

Im just so annoyed about it, we have some issues with baby & its alot to handle as well as our other child at home, so having him out in the evening is a big deal to me right now, its the most stressing time of day & to be frank i just need the help. He's obviously out all day at work so this is my time to get the help.

I know i know he has a son, im not saying anything changes in terms of him, just that the mum helps to facilitate it sometimes!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wombat100 · 13/10/2022 22:33

You’re not being unreasonable - she should be picking up some of the slack.

Why are there so many pick ups and drop offs, is this when DSS is going between the houses? X

RedHelenB · 13/10/2022 22:35

He can ask mum but if she says no what do you want to happen?

Original poster
tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:37

RedHelenB · 13/10/2022 22:35

He can ask mum but if she says no what do you want to happen?

Well thats the thing as nothing can happen then, we aren't going to reduce how uch we have dss because of it.
So i feel she has us over a barrel.

We do her so many favours, and help financially etc.

I guess we could reign that in a bit?

OP posts:
Original poster
tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:39

Wombat100 · 13/10/2022 22:33

You’re not being unreasonable - she should be picking up some of the slack.

Why are there so many pick ups and drop offs, is this when DSS is going between the houses? X

Just because as he only actually sleeps over every other weekend we have him for dinner etc a couple times in the week plus for the day every Saturday

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/10/2022 22:44

When you say pick him up, is that to come to yours? Rather than pick him up from school etc?

Idk I think it sounds like your DH is somewhat stuck with it. It’s annoying she won’t pick up some of the slack, but if the alternative is him not coming to spend time with his dad and siblings (and you of course, but obviously the point of the visit is to be with his dad) then he may not have a choice.

This time will pass but your dss’s relationship with his dad will be for life.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/10/2022 22:45

Just read your update - wouldn’t it be better if dss slept at yours on those weekday nights? So that DH doesn’t have a return journey at night but a school run on the morning. And dss gets to bed at a good time.

DenholmElliot1 · 13/10/2022 22:46

How old is your DSS and what do you mean when you say you help his mother out financially?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/10/2022 22:46

How far away do they live?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/10/2022 22:47

We do her so many favours, and help financially etc.

Do you mean you pay maintenance?

weekendninja · 13/10/2022 22:48

How old is he and how far away does he live?

WhatsAVideo · 13/10/2022 22:51

This is just life with multiple children OP, one parent is out doing activity runs and the other is at home.

averythinline · 13/10/2022 22:51

Why doesn't he sleep over in the week as well ?
Or if your at home why dont you pick him up straight from school ? Still the pick up but means dh at home rather than out??
Go for him being at yours more eg 50/50 ...
What would dss want??
Arrangements can change but nedd to be thought through and agreed

Its not dss mum problem her ex has had 2 more kids.....so don't get the annoyed with her

Original poster
tenniswim · 13/10/2022 23:04

averythinline · 13/10/2022 22:51

Why doesn't he sleep over in the week as well ?
Or if your at home why dont you pick him up straight from school ? Still the pick up but means dh at home rather than out??
Go for him being at yours more eg 50/50 ...
What would dss want??
Arrangements can change but nedd to be thought through and agreed

Its not dss mum problem her ex has had 2 more kids.....so don't get the annoyed with her

He cant stay as cant get to school from here. Its about 45mins.
So 50/50 wont work either.
Its not really about her trying to help out dh because hes had more kids, its about acknowledging that he has done the lions share for 12 years & meeting half way is now needed

OP posts:
Original poster
tenniswim · 13/10/2022 23:05

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 13/10/2022 22:47

We do her so many favours, and help financially etc.

Do you mean you pay maintenance?

No much more than maintenance, dss's financial needs are covered by us 100% and then some

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/10/2022 23:07

45 mins isn’t that terrible is it? Probably more reason to sleepover rather than having back and forth in one evening.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2022 23:09

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 23:05

No much more than maintenance, dss's financial needs are covered by us 100% and then some

Show quote history

That’s ridiculous. It’s also completely unfair on your own children.

Original poster
tenniswim · 13/10/2022 23:12

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/10/2022 23:07

45 mins isn’t that terrible is it? Probably more reason to sleepover rather than having back and forth in one evening.

The problem is that dh leaves for work at6am & i cant take him as i have school run locally, so he would be late.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 13/10/2022 23:12

Who moved house? When they split up did they each move locations? Or did one of them?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/10/2022 23:13

DH might have done the lion’s share of transport, but sounds like his ex has done the lion’s share of care. Why do you live so far from DSS?

luxxlisbon · 13/10/2022 23:14

I’m really struggling to see how your DH does the lions share when he has his son overnight every other weekend and a dinner or 2 in the week.
Surely considering you have other kids, and are struggling when your husband is out of the house dropping his son home you must realise it’s very different for his ex to be the full time parent?

Original poster
tenniswim · 13/10/2022 23:15

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/10/2022 23:13

DH might have done the lion’s share of transport, but sounds like his ex has done the lion’s share of care. Why do you live so far from DSS?

Its always been that distance

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 13/10/2022 23:15

I see your point but I guess that the arrangement has been in place for a while and I guess your husband feels like he is doing it for his son not his ex.

when it annoys you do try to think of it like that. It’s the child that benefits not the mother.

Original poster
tenniswim · 13/10/2022 23:17

luxxlisbon · 13/10/2022 23:14

I’m really struggling to see how your DH does the lions share when he has his son overnight every other weekend and a dinner or 2 in the week.
Surely considering you have other kids, and are struggling when your husband is out of the house dropping his son home you must realise it’s very different for his ex to be the full time parent?

Lions share of travel arrangements not care.

Its every other weekend on her request, & we cant have him stay in the week due to school run clashes.

So its not because we dont want more time with dss. This is just how it has to be.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 13/10/2022 23:21

I think yabu. It's always been like this. You had a baby knowing it was like this. You and dh only have dss 2 nights a week and every other weekend - that's not much in grand scheme of things.

FacebookPhotos · 13/10/2022 23:22

It depends who moved away. If she did then she should do the driving. If he did then it’s on him. Either way, if she won’t do the driving then there’s not a lot you can do.