To get DH to change arrangements with DSS

[tenniswim]

The arrangements for picking up dss is that dh does it all, pick up & drop offs, and thats been fine however, we have a very young baby & i am finding it increasingly annoying that he has to be away in the evenings 2-3 times a week picking up dss & dropping him home.

Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum, so we pick up a-lot of the slack. She also has 2 other kids, neither are babies. So i feel that given how much we do & the fact that we have a baby she could try & at least share the driving?

Dh just says you know what she's like & dss will be the one to miss out but how selfish is that, she would let him miss out rather than share the travel arrangements?!

Im just so annoyed about it, we have some issues with baby & its alot to handle as well as our other child at home, so having him out in the evening is a big deal to me right now, its the most stressing time of day & to be frank i just need the help. He's obviously out all day at work so this is my time to get the help.

I know i know he has a son, im not saying anything changes in terms of him, just that the mum helps to facilitate it sometimes!

AIBU?

[Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious]

@AIIyMcBeal

I’d stop the weeknight visits for the boys sake that’s a miserable set up! And have him every weekend instead of EOW

If my ex tried that, it would be a straight no. Why should his mum only see her son during the week when she's rushing around doing school run/work etc?!

OP you knew he had a child and how it was before you had the baby. You can ask but she can also say no. She's doing the main amount of care, I don't think it's much that your husband do the driving a few times a week.

[Mam34]

This is life with 3 children-one parent with one or two to activities, the other with baby and maybe one other at home. Think about what you want help with in the evening and try to get organised the night before or during the day.

[UnderCoverFieldAgent]

Why are you paying ‘100% and more’ when he doesn’t even live with you. I mean, spend what you like but does his mum not use any of her own earned money/benefits on him?

[Ekátn]

Op, when parents are split it’s often one that puts themselves out because it’s in the child’s interests. I put myself out regularly for my ds, not for exh. Dp is aware of that and knows that ds interests come first. You say coming over is in ds best interests and she won’t do the travelling. If your dh set up home further away when he left, it’s also right he does the travelling.

I am trying to put this nicely, but as this has always been the arrangement, if you reduced how much time you see him (that’s the only other option if she isn’t going to agree) to a child or teen, the feeling can often be ‘they aren’t bothered now they have a baby’ and that because a deep ingrained feeling that can often last a life time. That’s why often MNers point this out in varying levels of harshness. But it’s not wrong tbh.

If I am honest, I know exh. I know what he would and wouldn’t say yes to and I absolutely would not ask him to do something I know he would say no to. It’s a waste of time. Exh hasn’t seen ds on a weekend for years. It’s started during covid. Ds also wanted to go over less. It’s started due to his job, which has changed but he still doesn’t want a weekend because that when he sees his girlfriend. If me and dp want to go out at the weekend, I ask my dad to look after ds. The reason I said yes, was because I knew there was a good chance he would go to work and leave ds alone anyway. It was in ds interests.

I am not asking for something I know he would refuse. So I also get his reluctance to ask.

[PriOn1]

YABU I’m afraid. Given you know your stepson’s mother isn’t going to change, you are effectively demanding that your husband sees his son less because you have a baby now. That’s unfair on your stepson, who did nothing, while you have changed something beyond his control, that is also possibly likely to put your stepson’s nose out of joint as his dad now has another child that needs attention. This absolutely is not a time to cut down on your husband’s already limited time with his son. You knew the situation before you got pregnant. Now you have to live with it.

[pinkfondu]

I do not believe that your dh is paying more than 100% of the financial needs for your dss.

[JulesCobb]

i do not think you should be so resentful of the money and drives tbh. Your dh has his child overnight two nights out of 14. He is barely parenting. And not having him during the week because he cannot get him to school isnt an adequate excuse. Children need to go to school. You work out how you get him there, not just say you wont.

on the evenings he goes to yours for dinner, does his dad pick him up from school? Does his dad do homework with him on those evenings? Does his dad cook dinner on those evenings?

seems his dad is paying the mother so he doesn't have to make adjustments to his working life to accommodate parenting needs.

It honestly sounds like he is the bare minimum type of dad.

[Dogroses]

@Watchthesunrise

I've noticed a real pattern on MN over the years I've been logging in here. Things always change in the SM's eyes when she has a baby. She all of a sudden doesn't want the hassle of a step-child, wants to change arrangements, would rather they didn't exist. This can manifest in conversations amongst adults as the stepchild being sensitive or jealous, but actually, the step-kids who perceive this change are smart and likely have a point.

Literally everything changes for everyone when they have a baby. Why shouldn't stepmoms express it? Are they supposed to live without any agency because they have a step child? Or can they expect some consideration from the other parents involved?

I was a stepmom (50/50) before I had a baby and everything changed for me because I suddenly wasn't able to be a free childminder and chauffeur all the time. I was recovering from a fourth degree tear and breastfeeding a baby every two hours. Then I wad anxiously consumed and distracted and not able to give as much. Like a human. Dehumanising stepmoms helps nobody. If they have feelings and opinions and preferences they should be heard. They often do a lot of invisible work.

Incidentally in this case I think it sounds like a rough deal for everyone including the stepchild and his mother.

[MintJulia]

@dontsweatthesmallstufff

If the mum does the lion's share of care, it seems perfectly reasonable that his dad does the lion's share of travel arrangements.

This.

The mum does all the school runs, 12 nights out of 14, almost all his care, and your DH does some travel and a couple of suppers.

As for paying for him 100% - unless he pays his ex's mortgage and a full time salary, he's not even close.

I hope you are just tired with the new baby, and can see how unfair you are being. Even your DH can see it.

Your DH has the responsibility of a son and you knew that when you married him. DSS is going to be around for at least another 10 years so you need to find a way to be easy with this arrangement.

[daisychain01]

he has done the lions share for 12 years & meeting half way is now needed

good luck trying to change an arrangement that's been set as a precedent for the past 12 years, OP, it just won't happen.

how old is your DSS anyway? It won't be that long before he's an adult with his own transport if your DP has been doing the pick ups/drop offs for 12 years.

[blisstwins]

@tenniswim

No much more than maintenance, dss's financial needs are covered by us 100% and then some

Though it is his kid. If mom died he would have 100% responsibility. Sounds like she ducks, but your “helping” is really him taking care of his child. And that is a good thing. I get that you are so stressed and am sorry for you—lousy situation. But if anything happened between you and your partner at least you know he is a decent father. My ex husband wouldn’t walk 2 feet out of his way for our kids and it has caused them more pain than you could imagine.

[EstellaRijnveld]

You can start by introducing small changes so it doesn't come as a big shock. Maybe by suggesting one parent collects and the other drops off or meeting half way point to swap.

Your dp needs to start turning down additional favours. With a young baby, it's easier to say 'so sorry those plans don't work for us, baby is unsettled/done a poonami/ projectile vomitted (insert reason of choice)

[Paq]

You knew what the arrangements were before your baby was born, that was the time to change things.

You've got two options, move closer to him or see DSS less.

He could stay over more during the school holidays I assume?

If he's 12+ then you only have a few more of this. I appreciate that doesn't help you now when you have a tiny baby.

[Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious]

@pinkfondu

I do not believe that your dh is paying more than 100% of the financial needs for your dss.

I doubt it too.

[N27]

If it really is just that you don’t like DH being out a couple of times a week when you’ve been home all day, then why don’t you either go with them for the drive or leave DH with baby and you take DSS home?

i don’t think you are being fair to the mum. Why should she do 2 x school runs per day PLUS additional runs to drop him off in the evening (with additional kids in tow) just because your circumstances have changed?

[Aprilx]

I am struggling to follow your posts to be honest I cannot for the life of me work out how your husband is “doing the lion’s share” when all I can work out is that he has his son one overnight a fortnight and over for dinner a couple of times a week, after which your husband drops him back to his mothers, a mere 45 minutes away.

I think maybe your husband enjoys his driving time with his son but is too scared to tell you. How can you not see what an appalling message this would be to DSS if a long standing arrangement, of pretty minimal contact, is reduced further because a new baby comes along.

[PanPacificBallroomChampion]

@tenniswim

He cant stay as cant get to school from here. Its about 45mins.
So 50/50 wont work either.
Its not really about her trying to help out dh because hes had more kids, its about acknowledging that he has done the lions share for 12 years & meeting half way is now needed

He’s done the lion’s share for 12 years and only now it’s a problem because you are struggling with your own child. I wouldn’t blame the ex wife if she was peed off at the suggestion of things changing after such a long time with an arrangement that appeared to be working for them until now. How long was it between them splitting up and you both getting together?

[MRex]

I don't think you can just drop responsibilities to DSS, his mum has been doing the majority of care so managing pick-up isn't much to ask. You can't just say "it's always been like that", because the change dates back to when he moved out of the house with the ex. When you say 45 min, do you mean a 45 min drive each way, so DH finishes work, drives 1.5 hours, eats then drives 1.5 hours again? That is a lot of driving if so, so why did he move so far from his ex?

DSS must be secondary age, so have you actually looked up public transport arrangements for DSS getting to school? We had a fairly long ride on the bus or a walk plus the tube, but it was fine. Having him stay over would be easiest. Another option is to pay taxis for him.

Whatever the options are, they need to be sorted on your side, I wouldn't be asking the mum to start driving around, the cost and time just isn't her responsibility.

[Bigtitsbetty]

@tenniswim

The problem is that dh leaves for work at6am & i cant take him as i have school run locally, so he would be late.

Could your DH a get a job that fits in around his son’s needs? Like his ex presumably has to.

[amy85]

Yabu

Don't be one of those women who mess around with their partners routine with kids who existed before your relationship. My ex has been with 2 women who have done exactly that and now my kids have barely any relationship with him. My 13 year old resents his father a lot as he is old enough to see what was going on

[lunar1]

All he's done the lion's share of is driving for his son. EOW is minimal parenting. It sounds like his work commitments need adjustment if you need him home more rather than reducing time with one child. He could also take your joint child on some of the pickups.

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

You are being totally unreasonable, You knew the set up before you decided to have a child, why does your baby trump your dss? It sounds like your dh is a good dad.

[HappyHappyHermit]

You and he chose to have a together baby knowing that a good amount of time is already needed to care for the child he already has. The routine has been in place for years and you knew this so I think you are being unreasonable, but both of you should have been clear on this before another child was brought into the situation. It must be tough but its the way it is. I suppose one option is to move closer so the journey to both his school and mum's home is shorter.

[Darbs76]

Of course he should ask her. Can’t he take the baby with him? Baby will probably just sleep, gives you a break

[jamaisjedors]

Here in France it's totally standard for the non resident parent to do all drop off and pick ups for their visits. The resident parent is already doing all the rest.

Pretty sure my ex resents it too but I am doing all the rest, it's the least he can do.