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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DH to change arrangements with DSS

185 replies

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:31

The arrangements for picking up dss is that dh does it all, pick up & drop offs, and thats been fine however, we have a very young baby & i am finding it increasingly annoying that he has to be away in the evenings 2-3 times a week picking up dss & dropping him home.

Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum, so we pick up a-lot of the slack. She also has 2 other kids, neither are babies. So i feel that given how much we do & the fact that we have a baby she could try & at least share the driving?

Dh just says you know what she's like & dss will be the one to miss out but how selfish is that, she would let him miss out rather than share the travel arrangements?!

Im just so annoyed about it, we have some issues with baby & its alot to handle as well as our other child at home, so having him out in the evening is a big deal to me right now, its the most stressing time of day & to be frank i just need the help. He's obviously out all day at work so this is my time to get the help.

I know i know he has a son, im not saying anything changes in terms of him, just that the mum helps to facilitate it sometimes!

AIBU?

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 13/10/2022 23:23

YABU
DSS should not be punished because you had a baby. His time with his father should not change based on that.
I do 'get' the frustration at having to do all drop offs and pick ups though.

Chattycathydoll · 13/10/2022 23:24

Usually it’s based on who moved away. So unless your DSS was conceived as part of a one night stand or other non-committed relationship, and your DH lived apart from his ex prior to the birth, someone must have moved away.

Either way yes it is a pain, that’s life with kids. Sometimes it is a pain. It just is. You just have to live with it.

Squidlydoo · 13/10/2022 23:26

Hankunamatata · 13/10/2022 23:21

I think yabu. It's always been like this. You had a baby knowing it was like this. You and dh only have dss 2 nights a week and every other weekend - that's not much in grand scheme of things.

I agree with this actually.

at the moment, you have a new baby so are finding it hard and hormones are telling you DSS situation is a threat to your family (subconsciously).

I’ve been there and know it’s hard especially as a mums job is relentless. But your DSS deserves his routine and his mum had nothing to do with your decision to have more children.

my experience with DSS and DSD is that as they get older, become teenagers, and your access arrangements and routines may change! Everything is very transient as a blended family as the children all grow up - issues come and go. Your DC are obviously your priority but your DP has to also prioritise his other child

is your husband out on other nights of the week as once or twice a week doesn’t sound too much and that he is there most evenings?

bubbles888 · 13/10/2022 23:26

Did u honestly just say your DH pays 100% if your dss financial needs? Really so his mum doesn't feed him at home? Keep a roof over his head? Pay for anything??

The travel arrangements normally are determined on who moved? It's not a long journey though so IMO it's fine it's normal for one parent to be out of the house sometimes and one at home even for kids activities etc

Why can't your DH take your dss siblings with him to drop him home and give u a break that way?

dontsweatthesmallstufff · 13/10/2022 23:28

If the mum does the lion's share of care, it seems perfectly reasonable that his dad does the lion's share of travel arrangements.

Livelovebehappy · 13/10/2022 23:32

Tbh, you married someone who had a child, and with that comes a lot of potential issues which are always going to be there. I see a few step parents threads on here re the inconvenience of step children, most of it being raised following the birth of a new child. I think it’s because step mum wants her little family unit minus the inconvenience of dad having to fit his other dc into the equation. My DH used to work nights when mine were little, so I dealt with baths and bedtimes by myself. I managed to cope with not having him there, and so will you.

Whatacarryonthisis · 13/10/2022 23:35

Presumably you knew this was the set up before you chose to have a baby with your dh?
perhaps he needs to adjust his hours or move so he actually look after his dss rather than just drive him about

Womencanlift · 14/10/2022 00:01

Poor kid. He probably just wants to come home from school and chill out but instead he comes 45 minutes away for dinner to be taken 45 minutes back again. Such a bad routine for a kid

Agree with others that if your DH moved away from his child then of course he should be doing the travelling. I assume you have your own kids when you say you have your own school run to do. So why is they a bigger priority with regards to their evenings than your DSS? Do they get shipped around on a school night?

charabang · 14/10/2022 00:03

If mum is doing lions share of care it's not unreasonable for your DH to do the pickup and drop offs. And if your DH isn't keen to change arrangements, I think you'll have to take this on the chin.

Womencanlift · 14/10/2022 00:04

*why are they a bigger priority

BadNomad · 14/10/2022 00:21

Your husband's ex doesn't need to consider your new baby in any way. It had zero to do with her. She shouldn't need to make adjustments for your life choices. You need to come up with another solution for the evenings if you can't cope on your own.

GriddleScone · 14/10/2022 00:34

Maybe DH likes to spend a bit of extra time alone with his child. It must be difficult for him to have DSS stay so infrequently.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/10/2022 00:35

So…

ExW is on her own with 3 kids. So no one to watch the other two while she transports your DSS. Your DH has you to watch the baby though (trust me babies are way easier to transport IMO than older kids). ExW only gets a break 1 night out of 14, and does all the school runs. You reckon this means you do the “lion’s share”. It’s only 45 minutes - my school run is 30 minutes (2.5 miles but traffic etc). Some people at my DC’s school travel an hour.

There is an v unreasonable party here and it isn’t the exW

I feel so bloody sorry for ‘first family’ children who have to tolerate change as soon as daddy makes family no 2 AKA the priority family.

When you say you contribute 100% - do you transfer ExW money every time she buys him a McDonald’s, or a pair of socks, or goes on a day out? You do this for the 13 days a fortnight she has him? Unless the answer is yes then you do not financially contribute 100%. A baby does not need 2 people to look after it every single evening, let your poor DSS continue time with his dad.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/10/2022 00:36

Womencanlift · 14/10/2022 00:01

Poor kid. He probably just wants to come home from school and chill out but instead he comes 45 minutes away for dinner to be taken 45 minutes back again. Such a bad routine for a kid

Agree with others that if your DH moved away from his child then of course he should be doing the travelling. I assume you have your own kids when you say you have your own school run to do. So why is they a bigger priority with regards to their evenings than your DSS? Do they get shipped around on a school night?

I agree with this poor lad must be shattered! Surely you can have him stay an extra night a week and work out between you how to get him to school

AIIyMcBeal · 14/10/2022 00:41

I’d stop the weeknight visits for the boys sake that’s a miserable set up! And have him every weekend instead of EOW

FrankTheThunderbird · 14/10/2022 00:45

AIIyMcBeal · 14/10/2022 00:41

I’d stop the weeknight visits for the boys sake that’s a miserable set up! And have him every weekend instead of EOW

Every weekend? So mum only gets school days with him? That's hardly fair.

tillytown · 14/10/2022 00:57

Yabu, the ex does the lions share, your husband does some driving. And maybe, just maybe, your husband likes spending time with his son.

SD1978 · 14/10/2022 01:12

The difficulty here is that after 12 years, you want to change everything, is this child your only joint child, or do you and your husband have older children too? How old is his son- assuming at least 14? Does your husband also have an issue with the travelling? Is it only one night during the week? I understand you want more help at home, but if he doesn't agree, it's not his sons fault.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 14/10/2022 01:36

Yea she's definitely done the lions share if he only has him stay at weekends 🤣 least he can do is collect the poor child and drop him home.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 14/10/2022 01:36

Omg is it every other weekend?! It gets worse.... yea yabvu.

Watchthesunrise · 14/10/2022 01:47

I've noticed a real pattern on MN over the years I've been logging in here. Things always change in the SM's eyes when she has a baby. She all of a sudden doesn't want the hassle of a step-child, wants to change arrangements, would rather they didn't exist. This can manifest in conversations amongst adults as the stepchild being sensitive or jealous, but actually, the step-kids who perceive this change are smart and likely have a point.

Ponderingwindow · 14/10/2022 02:24

If none of his nights are during the week, does he ever cover school holidays, sick days, doctor’s appointments? Does he take any parental responsibility during working hours? Does he ever have to leave work because the school calls a parent?

unless he is somehow pulling more weight than it seems, asking the mother to take over this one task he does cover because he decided to have another child is ridiculous.

StoppinBy · 14/10/2022 03:40

1.5 hours of travel for a kid a couple of times a week is a lot!

I would work out some way if at all possible to have him stay overnight rather than come and return on the same night.

I am also curious about the 100% paying for your DSS, 100% is a lot of money every week, you/your DH must have a pretty high paying job to cover your house hold and ALL of his expenses.

Bluebellsand · 14/10/2022 03:59

Have you considered paid help? Babies can be very hard (ds2 is a prime example), if your partner can't help search for other help. Like a babysitter or a cleaner.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 14/10/2022 04:44

YABU.

You want your DH to upend a longstanding arrangement that benefits him and his son because you've had a baby. If you didn't think this arrangement was going to work with a baby that was something to be negotiated before deciding to have one.

The 90 mins of driving isn't just a favour for his ex, it's contact time with DS, which is something he's not getting much of elsewhere. Driving time is a great opportunity to chat.

I call bullshit on '100% and then some' of his costs being covered.