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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DH to change arrangements with DSS

185 replies

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:31

The arrangements for picking up dss is that dh does it all, pick up & drop offs, and thats been fine however, we have a very young baby & i am finding it increasingly annoying that he has to be away in the evenings 2-3 times a week picking up dss & dropping him home.

Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum, so we pick up a-lot of the slack. She also has 2 other kids, neither are babies. So i feel that given how much we do & the fact that we have a baby she could try & at least share the driving?

Dh just says you know what she's like & dss will be the one to miss out but how selfish is that, she would let him miss out rather than share the travel arrangements?!

Im just so annoyed about it, we have some issues with baby & its alot to handle as well as our other child at home, so having him out in the evening is a big deal to me right now, its the most stressing time of day & to be frank i just need the help. He's obviously out all day at work so this is my time to get the help.

I know i know he has a son, im not saying anything changes in terms of him, just that the mum helps to facilitate it sometimes!

AIBU?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 14/10/2022 12:23

He’s 12 and old enough to do public transport to school. Maybe stay over and catch a bus / train in the morning to school?

Gemmanorthdevon · 14/10/2022 12:29

This reply has been deleted

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Scirocco · 14/10/2022 12:30

@tenniswim Have you tried speaking with DSS's mum about how you're finding things difficult at the moment? She's a mum herself, she'll probably remember how hard it is to juggle life with a new baby. It may be that there's room to be flexible for a while, but you'll only know that if you speak with her...

It's also really important for your DSS to continue to have time as part of the family and time with his dad. Has anyone asked him what he wants? He might want to make some changes to the current arrangement himself.

user1471457751 · 14/10/2022 16:33

@JudgeJ you really aren't in any position to criticise other posters comprehension skills. The OP clearly stated that she thinks they are paying for all the child's costs, not just paying cms plus a bit. Posters have challenged that because it seems utterly absurd.

As for the suggestion she stops the 'favours' and paying above cms rates, perhaps the mum could then stop doing the lions share of parenting. Force her ex and the OP to have the child 50% of the time, seeing as she's done them the favour of raising the child for 12 years.

Purplelion · 14/10/2022 17:27

As your DSS is at secondary school can’t you drop him before you drop the younger ones? That’s what I do, my oldest gets dropped 45 minutes before school starts and she walks a bit and meets friends.

StupidSmallFruit · 14/10/2022 17:30

Always very telling that as soon as the hard questions come out (who does most of the care? Who contributes most financially? Who moved away?), the OP disappears.

If the questions were easily answerable, or favoured the father, you can bet she’d be here answering them.

JulesCobb · 15/10/2022 14:19

StupidSmallFruit · 14/10/2022 17:30

Always very telling that as soon as the hard questions come out (who does most of the care? Who contributes most financially? Who moved away?), the OP disappears.

If the questions were easily answerable, or favoured the father, you can bet she’d be here answering them.

Id assume thag the mother clearly does that vast majority of parenting of the child, that op does it while he is when his father, and that op’s dh just pays women to take all the responsibility for parenting and he just drives.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 17/10/2022 01:43

JulesCobb · 15/10/2022 14:19

Id assume thag the mother clearly does that vast majority of parenting of the child, that op does it while he is when his father, and that op’s dh just pays women to take all the responsibility for parenting and he just drives.

Show quote history

That's a good point, reflecting on my XH literally the only thing he does is drive and (occasionally and reluctantly) pay. He's useful for ferrying kids around and, later, driving lessons so I take advantage of that while carrying absolutely all the other practical and mental load of parenting.

Cw112 · 17/10/2022 02:34

Is there anyone else nearby that could step in and give you a hand on the evenings dh is doing the run, a family member or friend?

Worthyornot · 17/10/2022 05:54

Cw112 · 17/10/2022 02:34

Is there anyone else nearby that could step in and give you a hand on the evenings dh is doing the run, a family member or friend?

Wouldn't they have their own families to see to ?

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