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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DH to change arrangements with DSS

185 replies

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:31

The arrangements for picking up dss is that dh does it all, pick up & drop offs, and thats been fine however, we have a very young baby & i am finding it increasingly annoying that he has to be away in the evenings 2-3 times a week picking up dss & dropping him home.

Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum, so we pick up a-lot of the slack. She also has 2 other kids, neither are babies. So i feel that given how much we do & the fact that we have a baby she could try & at least share the driving?

Dh just says you know what she's like & dss will be the one to miss out but how selfish is that, she would let him miss out rather than share the travel arrangements?!

Im just so annoyed about it, we have some issues with baby & its alot to handle as well as our other child at home, so having him out in the evening is a big deal to me right now, its the most stressing time of day & to be frank i just need the help. He's obviously out all day at work so this is my time to get the help.

I know i know he has a son, im not saying anything changes in terms of him, just that the mum helps to facilitate it sometimes!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 14/10/2022 06:55

Yes at 12+ I would be looking at dss catching public transport nearer to you after school. Some children do that sort of distance everyday so there may be some in his school who travel your way. Then surely he can stay with you until after a baby's bath time. Do some homework until dh is free. I do find though that teenagers need lots of ferrying around.

HappyHappyHermit · 14/10/2022 06:59

@Darbs76 I was just thinking that, mine used to love a nap in the car or babbling to some music etc.

Fcuk38 · 14/10/2022 07:01

It’s 2-3 nights? Wait till your kids are into clubs that becomes the norm.

spiderontheceiling · 14/10/2022 07:18

But that's life with three children, particularly with a big age gap. There may be some upheaval in the couple of weeks immediately following the birth but otherwise the third has to be slotted in around the lives and activities of the older two. The alternative is that your DSS stays over and your DH does the 45 min school run the following morning.
Also, if you know the ex-wife is going to refuse and that your DH can only make empty threats about not seeing DSS any more, is it worth even having the conversation when it could really upset DSS who may feel like he isn't wanted now that there is a new baby on the scene, a baby who has both parents there 100% of the time.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/10/2022 07:19

Yabu

She does the lions share of the parenting, the least he can do is the travel.

It's not her fault you chose to have a baby with a man you knew had a child.

MzHz · 14/10/2022 07:24

Can’t your dh make arrangements at work to start later to get the dss drop off done?

TinaYouFatLard · 14/10/2022 07:27

What a miserable arrangement for the poor boy.

Givenuptotally · 14/10/2022 07:31

Its every other weekend on her request, & we cant have him stay in the week due to school run clashes

so she’s doing the vast majority of parenting and on top of that you think she should also do half of the travelling?

Huntswomanonthemove · 14/10/2022 07:45

You knew you would have a DSS when you went into this relationship. Personally I think you should leave your DH to do what he thinks is best for his son. Tread carefully.

AmyandPhilipfan · 14/10/2022 07:48

Does one of the schools have a breakfast club? Presumably he's at secondary - they usually open pretty early. Could you get all the kids in the car, drive and drop him off at school for 8ish then be back to your other child's school for 9?Or could you pay a childminder to drop your child off while you take your DSS to school? Then he could stay overnight.

ReneBumsWombats · 14/10/2022 07:50

Your baby isn't her responsibility. Your stepson is your husband's responsibility. She's being less dismissive of your parenting responsibilities than you are of hers.

Snoken · 14/10/2022 07:51

Given that your DH sees his son very little, and has been doing so for the last 12 years, I think it's probably quite nice for his son too to have those 45 minutes of alone time with his dad going to and from his house.

Not having 50/50 because of your DH's job is BS in my opinion. Mothers always have to adjust their working hours/earning potential to work around their kids time table, for some reason that is never expected from men. Makes me so annoyed when men just totally refuse to step up and parent equally.

Tillymintxx · 14/10/2022 07:52

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/10/2022 00:35

So…

ExW is on her own with 3 kids. So no one to watch the other two while she transports your DSS. Your DH has you to watch the baby though (trust me babies are way easier to transport IMO than older kids). ExW only gets a break 1 night out of 14, and does all the school runs. You reckon this means you do the “lion’s share”. It’s only 45 minutes - my school run is 30 minutes (2.5 miles but traffic etc). Some people at my DC’s school travel an hour.

There is an v unreasonable party here and it isn’t the exW

I feel so bloody sorry for ‘first family’ children who have to tolerate change as soon as daddy makes family no 2 AKA the priority family.

When you say you contribute 100% - do you transfer ExW money every time she buys him a McDonald’s, or a pair of socks, or goes on a day out? You do this for the 13 days a fortnight she has him? Unless the answer is yes then you do not financially contribute 100%. A baby does not need 2 people to look after it every single evening, let your poor DSS continue time with his dad.

This! You need to get over yourself OP

girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 07:55

I don't think it's fair on DSS or his mom to change the arrangements that have been in place for 12 years just because you've had a baby.

If he lives 45 minutes away that's only an hour and a half. That's not full evenings.

KarenPirie72 · 14/10/2022 07:55

Does the ex have a partner? How old are her other DC? If she's a lone parent with small children, it wouldn't be practical for her to do the travelling because she'd have to load them all into car/public transport, whereas you can stay at home with your DC while your DH does the runs.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/10/2022 07:56

AmyandPhilipfan · 14/10/2022 07:48

Does one of the schools have a breakfast club? Presumably he's at secondary - they usually open pretty early. Could you get all the kids in the car, drive and drop him off at school for 8ish then be back to your other child's school for 9?Or could you pay a childminder to drop your child off while you take your DSS to school? Then he could stay overnight.

It is really not ops responsibility to do that!

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 07:56

Who moved and what age was your DSS when this arrangement started?

Duolingolater · 14/10/2022 08:02

He was doing the travel before you had your baby so you knew the deal. Its something that should be discussed before you got pregnant, personally I think he should continue as before

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/10/2022 08:05

How old is DSS? At least 12 presumably. Is there a bus or a train he can take? Either to and fro from his mum's or to and from his school?

AuntSalli · 14/10/2022 08:16

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/10/2022 08:05

How old is DSS? At least 12 presumably. Is there a bus or a train he can take? Either to and fro from his mum's or to and from his school?

My 12 year old would not be using public transportation to facilitate this scenario hed tell his dad where to go. Pick him up or dont bother

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/10/2022 08:19

AuntSalli · 14/10/2022 08:16

My 12 year old would not be using public transportation to facilitate this scenario hed tell his dad where to go. Pick him up or dont bother

Show quote history

In London where we are, most 12 year olds take public transport every day, it's not a biggie

BerryShots · 14/10/2022 08:21

I have only partly read the OP. I got as far as "Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum"

Why is it that 80% of posts discussing issues with step children say that the kids' Mum is difficult/awful/obstructive etc?

I guess it will be swayed by the fact that if everything is running smoothly than people aren't going to post, but my overall impression of blended families is that they often don't work very well for the children, especially when new babies arrive.

This isn't a dig at you OP, because as I say, I only got as far as the above.

lunar1 · 14/10/2022 08:25

Public transport to replace a 40 minute drive each way is going to take forever. 12 year olds have homework, clubs etc. my child wouldn't be using an entire evening travelling on buses and trains to facilitate this.

AuntSalli · 14/10/2022 08:32

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/10/2022 08:19

In London where we are, most 12 year olds take public transport every day, it's not a biggie

Show quote history

Are they in London ? It is a biggie ive been at London stations where there was a young lad not allowed to use the train because he lost his ticket/no money on a cold dark evening. Not a chance my kids going to be in that situation at 18 nevermind 12 to visit the NRP

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/10/2022 08:33

lunar1 · 14/10/2022 08:25

Public transport to replace a 40 minute drive each way is going to take forever. 12 year olds have homework, clubs etc. my child wouldn't be using an entire evening travelling on buses and trains to facilitate this.

Well it depends on the options available - that's why I asked the question.

Public transport might be slower, it might not exist but if it's a train, it might be faster than driving and the OP may not have thought about it because until recently the DSS was too young.

The DSS might even enjoy it, others from his school might travel in my train in the morning.

The OP can tell us if it's an option