To get DH to change arrangements with DSS

[tenniswim]

The arrangements for picking up dss is that dh does it all, pick up & drop offs, and thats been fine however, we have a very young baby & i am finding it increasingly annoying that he has to be away in the evenings 2-3 times a week picking up dss & dropping him home.

Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum, so we pick up a-lot of the slack. She also has 2 other kids, neither are babies. So i feel that given how much we do & the fact that we have a baby she could try & at least share the driving?

Dh just says you know what she's like & dss will be the one to miss out but how selfish is that, she would let him miss out rather than share the travel arrangements?!

Im just so annoyed about it, we have some issues with baby & its alot to handle as well as our other child at home, so having him out in the evening is a big deal to me right now, its the most stressing time of day & to be frank i just need the help. He's obviously out all day at work so this is my time to get the help.

I know i know he has a son, im not saying anything changes in terms of him, just that the mum helps to facilitate it sometimes!

AIBU?

You are talking absolute shite. If the Father moved away it is his responsibility to do the travelling unless agreed different previously. The father is sticking to the agreement he had with the mother, op is the one wanting it changed as she has a new baby. There is only 1 selfish person in this scenario.

I don't understand why you didn't attempt to address this in the 9 months of pregnancy if it's always been like this?

Tale as old as time, a step mother resilentful of her dh doing basic parenting of his child from a previous relationship which he's doing the bare minium I may add because she's had another child. Then has the cheek to say he does the lions share over the mother doing the majority of parenting!

The mother is not failing her son at all.
OP’s DH has his son overnight 2 nights a fortnight, less than 15% of the time. He then has him for dinner once or twice a week, again, not a majority of the remaining evenings.
The least he can do is give his child a life home a few times a week.
The DH could only complain about the lifts being one sided if he did at least 50% of everything else, which he doesn’t even come close to.

Agree with this. It’s very sad to read how many kids are suddenly an inconvenience when stepmum wants to pretend only ‘their’ family exists.

This ^^

They don’t have to have a baby for that to happen, it can literally just be a case of once the feet are under the table.

I can understand how tiring it is.

however,

you did choose to have a baby with a man who already had a child

I assume this arrangement was in place before baby was born?

your husband is his dad, doing it for his child, not his ex.

i also think if a dad wants to see their child they should pick them up and drop them off. I have a son with my ex, he doesn't see him a huge deal but when he does he picks him up and drops him back, my ex has never complained but he doesn't seem him too much anyway.

Its awful isnt it!

Its always been that distance

It can’t have always been that distance as DH and the mother must have been together at some point or is that not the case? So after splitting up, who moved away?

Did they never live as a family then?

Jesus, the high and mighty stepmother bashers are out in force today!

It's not step mother bashing to say you can't change a 12 year arrangement because you feel a bit inconvenienced

Why does DSS needs to come back for dinner. Could your DH and DSS spend one of those evenings doing some kind of hobby/ going out for dinner alone closer to DSS house? It would mean that DH's journeys are halved, DSS isn't having to spend 1.5 hrs on a school evening in a car and they can bond together separately. DSS can still come back to yours EOW.

If you want to see DSS, you could even go along to a restaurant with new baby and spend time together that way.

Well I wasn't referring to that.. did I say that I was? I'm referring to the posters that are implying that all stepmothers brush their stepchildren aside when they have children of their own.

Yabu but in an attempt to make things a bit easier, could DS stay over Friday and Saturday EOW and drop one of the other evenings? On the other week perhaps your DH could take DS out for dinner or to the cinema closer to home rather than driving back and forth. I know the second one wouldn’t help you but would reduce the travelling for them. It sounds like a lot of travelling for DS. Also maybe your DH could take baby when he takes DH home so that you get a break.

@OhJanet maybe explain your actual point then - rather than just adding a vague comment to a very normal conversation

I think i'll post how I like. Do you always try and police how people post?

Enabled by crap dads.

Then the child's father should provide 50% of the care.

I wondered this as well.

Can't he take himself to school? He's 12 so in secondary school.

@OhJanet I'm not policing how you post.
I'm telling you if you post random comments people are going to assume you're talking about the current conversation.

You're very defensive and aggressive, but carry on.

I'm going to guess he's at least 12 - has anyone asked him what he would like to do? Surely he's old enough to have a say in it himself now?

Bit of an overreaction there... aggressive? Are you always so dramatic? Maybe pour yourself a glass of wine and un-clench.