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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DH to change arrangements with DSS

185 replies

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:31

The arrangements for picking up dss is that dh does it all, pick up & drop offs, and thats been fine however, we have a very young baby & i am finding it increasingly annoying that he has to be away in the evenings 2-3 times a week picking up dss & dropping him home.

Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum, so we pick up a-lot of the slack. She also has 2 other kids, neither are babies. So i feel that given how much we do & the fact that we have a baby she could try & at least share the driving?

Dh just says you know what she's like & dss will be the one to miss out but how selfish is that, she would let him miss out rather than share the travel arrangements?!

Im just so annoyed about it, we have some issues with baby & its alot to handle as well as our other child at home, so having him out in the evening is a big deal to me right now, its the most stressing time of day & to be frank i just need the help. He's obviously out all day at work so this is my time to get the help.

I know i know he has a son, im not saying anything changes in terms of him, just that the mum helps to facilitate it sometimes!

AIBU?

OP posts:
AuntSalli · 14/10/2022 08:34

BerryShots · 14/10/2022 08:21

I have only partly read the OP. I got as far as "Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum"

Why is it that 80% of posts discussing issues with step children say that the kids' Mum is difficult/awful/obstructive etc?

I guess it will be swayed by the fact that if everything is running smoothly than people aren't going to post, but my overall impression of blended families is that they often don't work very well for the children, especially when new babies arrive.

This isn't a dig at you OP, because as I say, I only got as far as the above.

@BerryShots in my experience the father starts rewriting history when he meets the new wife. This become self perpetuating because the new wife doesn’t want to hear anything other than negativity about the mother of his children which then becomes reflected in the way the ex-husband treats the ex-wife and even the most amicable split starts falling apart from there onwards.

Every action has a reaction.

RampantIvy · 14/10/2022 08:38

If the boy is at secondary school I imagine that by the time he is in year 10 he will have too much homework to want to go to a house with small children running around on a weekday.

There isn't a right or wrong answer to your situation right now OP. Unfortunately you will just have to suck it up in the best interests of your stepson.

HollyJollypup · 14/10/2022 08:41

Stop doing her favours when she won’t do any for you.

MRex · 14/10/2022 08:42

AuntSalli · 14/10/2022 08:32

Are they in London ? It is a biggie ive been at London stations where there was a young lad not allowed to use the train because he lost his ticket/no money on a cold dark evening. Not a chance my kids going to be in that situation at 18 nevermind 12 to visit the NRP

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Just not true. Even adults get help if needed from station staff, bus drivers and other passengers. Frequently. What they have to do is know to ask for help to charge a phone or make a call; on a bus they can just be let on in that situation and it's at the discretion of train station staff to do the same or ask for someone to get your ticket at the other end. If your comment implies that you stood by knowingly leaving a kid with no ticket and no help, then that's all on you.

Snoken · 14/10/2022 08:42

HollyJollypup · 14/10/2022 08:41

Stop doing her favours when she won’t do any for you.

You mean like doing 80% of the child rearing, since the father won't get a job that works around his son?

Ponoka7 · 14/10/2022 08:43

@Tomorrowisalatterday outside of London, public transport isn't necessarily as regular, or have routes that easily overlap. You've had massive investment to make your public transport work. The rest of the country hasn't been as lucky.

Dweetfidilove · 14/10/2022 08:43

So, he picks up/drops off 2-3 times a week and you think it's too much.

I'm guessing his mom does the remaining 5 - 4 days per week, plus the relentless slog of caring for the child.

YABU!

OhJanet · 14/10/2022 08:45

AuntSalli · 14/10/2022 08:34

@BerryShots in my experience the father starts rewriting history when he meets the new wife. This become self perpetuating because the new wife doesn’t want to hear anything other than negativity about the mother of his children which then becomes reflected in the way the ex-husband treats the ex-wife and even the most amicable split starts falling apart from there onwards.

Every action has a reaction.

Show quote history

and sometimes the old wife just is a PITA and proves herself to be so.

Snugglemonkey · 14/10/2022 08:46

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 23:04

He cant stay as cant get to school from here. Its about 45mins.
So 50/50 wont work either.
Its not really about her trying to help out dh because hes had more kids, its about acknowledging that he has done the lions share for 12 years & meeting half way is now needed

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You can make 45 mins work. We do. It is a pain but we have done it every day for years.

AuntSalli · 14/10/2022 08:46

OhJanet · 14/10/2022 08:45

and sometimes the old wife just is a PITA and proves herself to be so.

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Again though you’ve gotta ask yourself why is that ?

Novum · 14/10/2022 08:47

I assume your stepson is a teenager. Could he stay over and get himself to school the following morning? Does he stay overnight on week nights during the holidays?

RampantIvy · 14/10/2022 08:49

Ponoka7 · 14/10/2022 08:43

@Tomorrowisalatterday outside of London, public transport isn't necessarily as regular, or have routes that easily overlap. You've had massive investment to make your public transport work. The rest of the country hasn't been as lucky.

This is our situation. We have no trains or buses between 8.30 and 10.30 in the evening. There used a to be a 9.30 but bote Stagecoach and Northern Rail have pulled them.

OhJanet · 14/10/2022 08:49

AuntSalli · 14/10/2022 08:46

Again though you’ve gotta ask yourself why is that ?

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Absolutely. some justified - some human nature!

RFPO77 · 14/10/2022 08:50

I'm sorry but YABU, your husband see's his son a few hours a week and picks him up and drops him off. His mum does the lions share and presumably takes him to school and back every day so your husband's not doing the lion's share of travel in general, just on the couple days a week he sees his son 🤷

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/10/2022 08:54

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/10/2022 08:19

In London where we are, most 12 year olds take public transport every day, it's not a biggie

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Its not about it being a 'biggie' Why should the DSS have to change any plans with his Father because there is a new baby that op planned for? They should have took all this into consideration before TTC.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 14/10/2022 08:56

Ponoka7 · 14/10/2022 08:43

@Tomorrowisalatterday outside of London, public transport isn't necessarily as regular, or have routes that easily overlap. You've had massive investment to make your public transport work. The rest of the country hasn't been as lucky.

I am aware it's not an option everywhere. .I don't understand the number of comments pointing this out. I just asked the question - none of us know exactly where the OP lives and whether it would be possible.

As I said to begin with, the DSS could use it to get to school the following morning or to get back to his mum's.

I grew up outside London and lots of my friends took the train to school.

ReneBumsWombats · 14/10/2022 08:58

OhJanet · 14/10/2022 08:45

and sometimes the old wife just is a PITA and proves herself to be so.

Show quote history

Prioritise the kids.

Saharafordessert · 14/10/2022 09:01

Your husband sounds like he’s doing a great job with his son, he probably enjoys the driving time he spends with him.
Im sure you can hold the fort at home, it’s not like he’s going out drinking with the lads is it!

RebeccaRose92 · 14/10/2022 09:07

1.5 hours of travelling for a young kid on a school night is ridiculous especially when it’s several times a week

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 14/10/2022 09:07

Well bottom line is you can't, can you? It's all in the hands of his ex. He can't make her do anything at all.
His judgement is all about what is in the best interests of his child. That's an attractive trait.

BerryShots · 14/10/2022 09:08

Saharafordessert · 14/10/2022 09:01

Your husband sounds like he’s doing a great job with his son, he probably enjoys the driving time he spends with him.
Im sure you can hold the fort at home, it’s not like he’s going out drinking with the lads is it!

This is a great point. We all know how much easier it can be to connect with awkward pre-teens and teenagers, and get them talking.
The car is often where those tricky conversations happen or when the kid just chats away. If the child is the oldest with all these younger ones in both families it's probably a really special time.

Thurst · 14/10/2022 09:10

Your DH isn’t even doing 50/50 so the least he can do is the travel. The ex has 2 other kids to sort out. If you split up in the future would you want his next wife demanding he does less for your child.

Wheresthebeach · 14/10/2022 09:10

I know it's hard OP. We had the same - DH did all the driving and Ex refused point blank. Simply said it was his job if he wanted to see the kids. Yes we could have fought over it, and yes we were angry that we helped out when she needed it and there was no flexibility the other way. Its irritating, and I get you're tired (I had a baby in the similar circumstances) but things will settle with the baby. Its quite important that the new baby doesn't mess with access...for your relationships and for the sibling relationship. Grumble to your friends, complain to your DH but accept it's the way it is.

itwasntmetho · 14/10/2022 09:11

Does he have extra in the school holidays? they come around so frequently.
EOW plus half the holidays is so much more than EOW. Can't he let the kid off of these weeknight things and ask for holiday time when he can stay? Or take him for dinner closer to the child's home then come home after?

I also very much doubt that he pays 100% and then some. I bet his career didn't stall and he didn't have to piss around with part time hours to be available for the child and the school runs having a knock on effect to his finances for years. The loss can be so much more than the outgoings.

NKFell · 14/10/2022 09:23

It doesn't sound too bad to me. The ex does majority of care and it sounds like it's probably good chatting time between father and son.

These threads often make me wonder what my ex says to his wife about me 😂