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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get DH to change arrangements with DSS

185 replies

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:31

The arrangements for picking up dss is that dh does it all, pick up & drop offs, and thats been fine however, we have a very young baby & i am finding it increasingly annoying that he has to be away in the evenings 2-3 times a week picking up dss & dropping him home.

Dss's mum is known for being the bare minimum type of mum, so we pick up a-lot of the slack. She also has 2 other kids, neither are babies. So i feel that given how much we do & the fact that we have a baby she could try & at least share the driving?

Dh just says you know what she's like & dss will be the one to miss out but how selfish is that, she would let him miss out rather than share the travel arrangements?!

Im just so annoyed about it, we have some issues with baby & its alot to handle as well as our other child at home, so having him out in the evening is a big deal to me right now, its the most stressing time of day & to be frank i just need the help. He's obviously out all day at work so this is my time to get the help.

I know i know he has a son, im not saying anything changes in terms of him, just that the mum helps to facilitate it sometimes!

AIBU?

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/10/2022 09:27

luxxlisbon · 13/10/2022 23:14

I’m really struggling to see how your DH does the lions share when he has his son overnight every other weekend and a dinner or 2 in the week.
Surely considering you have other kids, and are struggling when your husband is out of the house dropping his son home you must realise it’s very different for his ex to be the full time parent?

This

random223 · 14/10/2022 09:29

Sorry I also think the driving time probably is a hugely important part of the contact your husband has with his son. I also remember evenings with a young baby! Could he not take the baby in the car with him so you can go to bed early?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/10/2022 09:31

Your dh must be exhausted. He’s driving 3 hours to see his ds several times a week. He sounds like a committed dad and no, I wouldn’t suggest his ex helps out. She has 2 other children to consider and this is a long standing arrangement, which worked until you decided to expand your family together. By the sound of it, she wouldn’t do it anyway.

I would suggest your dh picks your dss up and takes him to the pub or similar for a meal once or twice a week though, go to the cinema or whatever so that they can have more adult, less fraught time together. Your dss will have time in your family home at weekends. That will halve the drive time and take the pressure off you as I imagine you’re cooking whilst he’s driving. Then you could skip cooking altogether on those days by cooking and storing leftovers / batch cooking etc.

Your dh could look into starting work late one morning or even wfh so that your dss can stay a midweek.

LittleOwl153 · 14/10/2022 09:39

Given this has been going on fir 12 years... I assume you have a teenager on your hands?

Could your DH not find/book a local friendly taxi driver to do at least some of the journeys? Expensive yes, but if your DH is paying over the odds to support his ex's household then there must be some slack for the short term. 3hrs is a lot of time in the car of an evening.

LAMPS1 · 14/10/2022 09:42

Your stepson is old enough to sense your resentment and to carry the stress of that, blaming himself for being a burden if you suddenly now upset the arrangements which have always been in place. After all, he’s stuck between two families through no fault of his own.
So my advice would be to bear that in mind before you decide what to do about your sudden increased annoyance that your DH is out of the house for an hour and a half while he takes him home 3 evenings a week after dinner. it must be hard for your DH too, but he isn’t complaining, he is getting on with it so is it impossible for you to just get on with it too…are things so bad with the new baby that it’s vital the baby needs two of you at that particular time ?
Also try to remember that this won’t last for ever. Your DSS will soon prefer to be with his mates/gf after school or will need to get home to do his gcse work and will prefer not to have the extra travel to your home in his busy week. Better for changes to occur naturally as he grows up rather than because his stepmum suddenly became increasingly annoyed.
I’m surprised he hasn’t also felt increased annoyance with the sad set up already, poor kid.

mushroom3 · 14/10/2022 09:44

If he is 12 he is in secondary. Couldn't he come to you by public transport after school and back to school the next morning? 45minutes-1 hour is not an unusual travel time for many secondary pupils every day

FistFullOfRegrets · 14/10/2022 09:55

@tenniswim

why don't you swap one of the midweeks for a Friday sleep over?

if his mum wants him EIW (fair enough) DH & your kids can take him home at an agreed time.

Definitely look at school busses/public transport for school mornings. It's often not as bad as you think it might be?

other than that I think you need to adjust your mind set really. It's about DH seeing DS, not about helping his Ex out.

His ex has other children, his ex has full responsibility for DSS, & no matter how much ££ you give her, you will NOT be covering 100% of the cost of raiding a child, you just won't.

threatening to change financial arrangements is nasty.

RampantIvy · 14/10/2022 09:56

Public transport isn't plentiful everywhere @mushroom3. For example, there is no direct bus route to the next village 3 miles away. You would have to get a bus to town in the opposite direction 5 miles away, and then another bus out. Walking on winding country roads with no pavements isn't an option after dark.

The car journey takes 10 minutes. Public transport would take upwards of an hour.

Ellie56 · 14/10/2022 09:58

Could you change one of the week day nights to Friday so there's no school the next day?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/10/2022 09:59

RampantIvy · 14/10/2022 09:56

Public transport isn't plentiful everywhere @mushroom3. For example, there is no direct bus route to the next village 3 miles away. You would have to get a bus to town in the opposite direction 5 miles away, and then another bus out. Walking on winding country roads with no pavements isn't an option after dark.

The car journey takes 10 minutes. Public transport would take upwards of an hour.

There is no transport at all where we live for my ds to get to 6th form, We have to take him (and pick his girlfriend up on the way) at 6am to the town 5 miles away for him to get 2 busses to school to start at 8.45. Some people dont realise how bad transport is in rural areas

Newmum0322 · 14/10/2022 10:00

I think you are being very unreasonable. She does the lions share of care. If you turned this on it’s head, her post would read something like this…

”XH has DS every other weekend and the odd dinner, he compensates for this partially by doing a 2 pick ups in the week for DS. Trouble is, he’s just had a baby and now doesn’t even want to that. I’ve got two other children that I’ve managed to raise, and be there for as well as primary carer for DS but he can’t be there for DS in evenings now apparently! He has countered this by say that he pays more than maintenance, but this is his son!?! As if I should be grateful that he pays more for his son that the govt minimum! I’ve asked him please to continue for now because I can’t do it all alone! AIBU?!!

have some perspective and some empathy. You clearly don’t like her, but he’s not your son and she’s not your XW!

mushroom3 · 14/10/2022 10:04

If it's a 10 minute drive, couldn't he be dropped off/picked up from the bus rather than the 45 minute drive each way?

Footgoose · 14/10/2022 10:12

Sorry for your situation op . I’m was in similar but the majority of travel nearly always falls to the non resident parent ( old term I know but you know what I mean ) . That’s a fact I heard from a solicitor and that’s the way it went as part of the arrangement order.

ThisIsMeToooo · 14/10/2022 10:17

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/10/2022 08:54

Its not about it being a 'biggie' Why should the DSS have to change any plans with his Father because there is a new baby that op planned for? They should have took all this into consideration before TTC.

Show quote history

Arrangements have to change all the time as children age etc plus taking their wants into it. They cannot be carried down by Moses on a block of stone and never be changed !

I've seen some new ones here today -
a man should get a job which runs around his child's timetable....
a man should always stay in the same vicinity to see his children near his ex wife..
and of course you should be having more children if it affects the previous.

Life happens and evolves but some ex wives do want to dictate what happens ad infinitum.

@tenniswim you are just going to have to incorporate this into your plans - it won't be long before the teen won't want to be back and forth. Someone made a good suggestion of your DH meeting his son and seeing him in his hometown midweek.

ThisIsMeToooo · 14/10/2022 10:18

should not be having

Looneytune253 · 14/10/2022 10:19

Surely it's better for your dh to drop him off home then the other kids aren't getting carted around 1.5hrs?

Picking him up doesn't count as a school run is just a basic part of parenting.

smiles39 · 14/10/2022 10:21

@tenniswim classic SM bashing in a lot of these replies. Sorry you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, I would too in your shoes. I don’t think you are being unreasonable to expect that pick-ups/drop-offs be shared, but unfortunately sounds like this arrangement has been going on too long to make any changes to it now.

A couple of school nights every week, every Saturday daytime and every other weekend is a lot of travelling with a 45 minute distance. I fail to see how this is fair on your SS. We have a 50-minute distance between us and OH’s ex, school night visits just aren’t an option as that’s so much travelling for just one evening!

Surely this means that your DH is travelling 1.5 hours to pick him up and 1.5 hours to drop him off, so that’s 3 hours of travelling for your DH in one evening?? If that’s what you mean then yeah I would be struggling with a baby and a DH who is driving around for 3 hours after work twice a week and again on weekends. How do you even spend anytime together?

CarefreeMe · 14/10/2022 10:29

YABU

I do feel for DH and DSS having to do all of that travelling throughout the week but it is not fair on mum to share the transport when she does the majority of everything else.

I do get why mum wants to see her son on a weekend but I think DSS is going to get fed up with this arrangement so I do think it can’t last forever.

Perhaps in the future DH could drop a day or half day at work and then DSS can sleep over and he can take him to school in the morning.

DH could then just pick him up for an hour or 2 and take him for his dinner on a different week day instead of bringing him all the ways to yours and back.

I know this thread was meant to be about you but I think DH and DSS have it tougher than you do.

JudgeJ · 14/10/2022 10:36

tenniswim · 13/10/2022 22:37

Well thats the thing as nothing can happen then, we aren't going to reduce how uch we have dss because of it.
So i feel she has us over a barrel.

We do her so many favours, and help financially etc.

I guess we could reign that in a bit?

Show quote history

Stop the favours and any payment over and above what he's supposed to pay, there are a lot of women who use their children as a blackmailing weapon against their ex, and yes, I do know there are bad exes too before anyone gets on their hind legs.

JudgeJ · 14/10/2022 10:37

CJsGoldfish · 13/10/2022 23:23

YABU
DSS should not be punished because you had a baby. His time with his father should not change based on that.
I do 'get' the frustration at having to do all drop offs and pick ups though.

So you're one of those who is too lazy to carry out her responsibilities. It's the child's mother's 50% responsibility to transport their child.

JudgeJ · 14/10/2022 10:40

That’s unfair on your stepson,

Any unfairness towards the stepson is being created by his mother but the MN attitude is, as usual, that she can not be wrong.

luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 10:40

JudgeJ · 14/10/2022 10:36

Stop the favours and any payment over and above what he's supposed to pay, there are a lot of women who use their children as a blackmailing weapon against their ex, and yes, I do know there are bad exes too before anyone gets on their hind legs.

Show quote history

Isn’t blackmailing exactly what you are suggesting? She doesn’t want her DH to give his other son as much of his time and attention anymore now they have a shiny new baby so she should make him provide less money to his older son? Wow

JudgeJ · 14/10/2022 10:42

pinkfondu · 14/10/2022 05:17

I do not believe that your dh is paying more than 100% of the financial needs for your dss.

If he is supposed to pay £x and he is paying £1.1x then he is paying above, surely that's not too hard to understand?

luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 10:43

@JudgeJ So you're one of those who is too lazy to carry out her responsibilities. It's the child's mother's 50% responsibility to transport their child.

So because he gives lifts from his own home, which he moved further away for, the mum is the one not carrying out her responsibilities?
And dad who cares for his son 2 nights out of 14 and about 3 dinners in that period is somehow doing the ‘lion’s share’.
Yeah, make it make sense.

JudgeJ · 14/10/2022 10:44

luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 10:40

Isn’t blackmailing exactly what you are suggesting? She doesn’t want her DH to give his other son as much of his time and attention anymore now they have a shiny new baby so she should make him provide less money to his older son? Wow

Show quote history

Poor comprehension, the mother is failing her son by not sharing in facilitating his relationship with his father.