Dm said she’s never seen a child as bad before as Dd

[Allweatewasspaghettihoops]

Parents are here to stay, Dd just 4 has always been energetic but not hugely difficult in behaviour. Since around March, we saw some changes and the last few months she’s having fairly bad meltdowns and is speaking not that nicely and being impatient and shouting/crying a lot, plus wanting things her own way.
Shes been over excited because they’re here and has also had less sleep. We’ve been going out everyday and today we got up as usual and went to get ready. As I was doing her hair, she completely lost it, screaming and crying and saying I was doing it wrong, each time I kept trying to do what I thought she was asking, I was getting it more wrong and she was getting more upset.
I tried really hard to keep my patience, but I admit I felt out of control and just could not calm her down at all. I ended up sitting away a little on the bed and crying in frustration.
Dm came up looking really shaky and upset and almost crying and asked if I was ok and all was ok, she put her hand on my shoulder.
I ended up being able to calm her down and we lay cuddled together. I was so emotionally drained and feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes with her behaviour.
This afternoon I was talking to dm and she was saying none of us were anything like that and that she’s worked in a nursery and never seen a child get like that…ever 😢
She says I should go to the doctor with her asap.
I agree that this mornings episode was v intense and probably the worst I’ve had as she looked like something was driving her and she literally couldn’t stop. But I’m feeling really shocked and upset by the way Dm has described it all and I’m really worried now.
Does this sound really terrible for a just turned 4 year old?

Has nursery/school said anything?

@toomuchlaundry She’s just started pre school part time a few weeks ago. The teacher said she’s doing great and only one day said she was up and down a lot (physically) but that it was normal and that they calm down at age 5

Very difficult to say on just that one description of one incident, but if your dm has years of experience of working in Nurseries, she might be someone to listen to ?

Does your dd go to Nursery ? Or has she started school yet ?

What have they said to you ?

If your mum is generally loving and kind, and you trust she knows about children, then perhaps you need to pay attention 😔

Op if it makes you feel any better my mum said the same thing about my child when he was the same age. He was awful to be honest, I remember despairing sometimes.

However he's now 14 and the most amazing, lovely, well behaved gorgeous kid ever!

I'm not saying there's nothing else going on but she may just grow out of it.

I think at that age they all go through a phase of shouting, screaming expecting everything they want/need to be done now and to their liking.

You have to view them as no longer a baby but a little girl who needs to know that unless her arm is hanging off or her bedroom is on fire, her wants and needs can wait or sometimes if you’re busy just not happen because life gets in the way.

my daughter still has the odd phase of this and she will scream at me if I don’t do something exactly perfect (like hair), I usually remind her that I am doing her a nice thing and that I don’t have to do it if she talks to me like that. If she apologises i continue helping her, if she doesn’t I stop doing that thing she wants / needs and go and do something for myself instead.

it’s very important kids realise they are not mini dictators.

I don’t think your daughter needs to see a doctor, sounds like she needs more sleep and to develop more respect for you. Best to do this now rather than when they’re a teenager!

Do you feel something is off about the behavior or does your gut say she's just tired and overstimulated?

DS, also 4 this past June, is in the thick of this right now. Any lack of sleep or overstimulation sends him into a ball of inconsolable rage. It's far more than most children I see. But I've worked with small children forever and consider it on the normal range and nursery said he's an angel. I'm his safe space.

Your mum needs to consider things may have been different when she parented (based on the times or even yours and your siblings' temperaments) and that if she was a nursery worker the vast majority of kids would've been better behaved and let out the emotional river at home.

I'd say trust your gut. If something feels off to you, talk to the GP. Otherwise I send empathy as we both navigate the horror that is emotions at 4!

@Kite22 She doesn’t have years of experience really, but did work there part time years ago. Mum and dad are also quite shocked about a lot of children’s behaviour..they complain about children running around cafes etc (Dd doesn’t do this) but I think they expect more from that age and might remember things differently?
They expect Dd to sit for ages in cafes without anything around for her to play with etc, when Dh and I take her to places specifically with a playground/beach/space etc as do our friends or we provide colouring and books but expect to be eating quickly and out
Just feeling a bit judged but also worried and down about it all

My dd was the queen of trantrums

Now a teen she has moments but she has now been diagnosed with ADD tho she is extremely bright.

I think she was just frustrated and over whelmed.

If your dd has only just started a new school she will be taking a lot in right now. She is probably emotionally and physically exhausted and can't verbalise it.

She has probably had a shock seeing her at her worst behaviour at home so she’s only focusing on the bad

It will pass. Its just horrible hearing your mum say it. Kids tend to have meltdowns but our elder memories seem to forget our own DC had meltdowns too

We were staying with my Mum for a few days when D3, who was about this age, had a very tough couple of days. When people see it close up, it can be a shock for them. I’m sure your Mum, like mine, was speaking from a place of love and concern.

DS is 13 now. Autistic and absolutely lovely. Those days are long behind us. Understanding his triggers and tolerances changed everything. I’m not saying your child is autistic, but maybe have a chat with your GP.

How long are your parents staying?

@Itisbetter A week, they’ve been here 5 days so far

Not sure the vote will be very helpful as I wasn’t sure which way to vote to show you that I think your mum is being a bit OTT.

She's just turned 4!

Two out of three of ours used to scream bloody murder at times at that age, especially if tired!

Grown out of it by 5 (almost entirely!)

Pretty sure they wouldn't have done it at nursery either, so that bears no relation whatsoever.

Primary teacher here btw, not that it counts alot with 4 year olds. They are a law unto themselves.

If it was me I would have just not done her hair the second time she complained and got on with something else together?

My older three didn’t engage in those sorts of behaviours at that age. I have seen plenty of neurotypical kids that have had the occasional blip/go through a tricky stage, or some that behave in more challenging ways more frequently due to parenting style and then lots of neurodiverse children where the behaviour can be more typical (difficulties with emotional regulation etc) a that’s my background.

sorry you have had a tricky time. It sounds like it came from a place of care and concern from your mum but as mum you know best as to whether you are concerned or not xx

My daughter had wild tantrums at that age. She’s now 13 and I would say she can still have quite a fiery temper at times but she is a lovely girl, doing well at school and has a nice group of friends so I’m not too worried about it. You might find that it’s just a combination of tiredness, change in routine and starting pre-school and that she’ll settle down in a few weeks.

I also feel like since April, each time they’ve stayed she’s been more difficult than when it’s just her and I. She’s angrier and rider when they’re here, so they really see a different side of her. She gets v excited and wants to play with grandad all day and then she’ll have a bit less sleep as they get up earlier than we do…it’s just so hard

I have an explosive child, I do know how hard it is. Lots of children aren't like that at all, but quite a few are. So while it might not be the norm, it's not unusual either. Lots of children still have tantrums up to 5 or 6.

LOADS of children will behave beautifully at nursery and school then explode when they are at home so I wouldn't read too much into your mum's comment. I hate to say it but I don't you'll get much help from GP. Maybe look at council parenting courses for strong willed children instead

What I WOULD say is this:

She can want things her own way as much as she likes, but that doesn't mean you have to give it to her. You can empathise AND set boundaries. Look at Big Little Feelings and Dr Siggie on Instagram.

Your mum's reaction tells me a lot. She obviously struggles to cope with big emotions. And lo, so do you. I wonder if you were allowed to have big emotions and fully express yourself as a child? I wonder how she reacted when you demanded something?

Explore this and work out why your daughter having big emotions and setting boundaries is so hard for you.

Then work on your own self regulation so you can stay truly calm in the moment. They're just feelings, and she's allowed to express them. You can still set boundaries. You can still stay unruffled. It's not our job to keep our children calm and happy always. You're the parent and need to be calmly and lovingly in charge to make your child feel safe, and at the moment it sounds like your DD is in charge?

Once you have this down, you can then work on coaching her to express her feelings through words, recognise when she's starting to get wound up, and on what else she can do when she's starting to feel that way, practise calming things to ward off explosions.

Do you have any other concerns about her behaviour?

What are the triggers for meltdowns? Can you spot any patterns?

My child's behaviour is mostly anxiety driven. Something to consider.

It just sounds like your DD was tired.
I think grandparents look back with rose tinted glasses. They forget the chaos and the noise of young children, now that their lives are peaceful and orderly.
My MIL swears her three were perfect angels. I knew my SIL when she was a teenager and she really wasn't!

Doctors must despair, they really must.

My 4 year old is having some tantrums especially when tired and over excited 🙄

I should add that my kids always play up when they see their grandparents. Not sure why but their behaviour is always much worse!

Leave it a week after they’ve left and see how you feel. I would imagine it’s extremely stressful for her having them there.

Wow @Tigofigo has it, great post!