Dm said she’s never seen a child as bad before as Dd

[Allweatewasspaghettihoops]

Parents are here to stay, Dd just 4 has always been energetic but not hugely difficult in behaviour. Since around March, we saw some changes and the last few months she’s having fairly bad meltdowns and is speaking not that nicely and being impatient and shouting/crying a lot, plus wanting things her own way.
Shes been over excited because they’re here and has also had less sleep. We’ve been going out everyday and today we got up as usual and went to get ready. As I was doing her hair, she completely lost it, screaming and crying and saying I was doing it wrong, each time I kept trying to do what I thought she was asking, I was getting it more wrong and she was getting more upset.
I tried really hard to keep my patience, but I admit I felt out of control and just could not calm her down at all. I ended up sitting away a little on the bed and crying in frustration.
Dm came up looking really shaky and upset and almost crying and asked if I was ok and all was ok, she put her hand on my shoulder.
I ended up being able to calm her down and we lay cuddled together. I was so emotionally drained and feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes with her behaviour.
This afternoon I was talking to dm and she was saying none of us were anything like that and that she’s worked in a nursery and never seen a child get like that…ever 😢
She says I should go to the doctor with her asap.
I agree that this mornings episode was v intense and probably the worst I’ve had as she looked like something was driving her and she literally couldn’t stop. But I’m feeling really shocked and upset by the way Dm has described it all and I’m really worried now.
Does this sound really terrible for a just turned 4 year old?

She’s out of routine and not sure how to express that change.

Plus your mum won’t have worked at a nursery where children spent half their lives impacted by lockdowns.

Honestly, she sounds like a normal four year old who has been indulged a little bit. I wouldn’t be faffing around doing her hair umpteen times, OP, you’re playing into this far too much.
We as a society have started to pathologies typical kid behaviour instead of trying different parent techniques.
Don’t stress out over it, be a bit firmer and stop pandering, I’m sure she will grow out of her tantrums when she realised they aren’t getting her anywhere.

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie Thats what I said to Dm but she seems to think it was much worse than that and she needs something to calm her down or a blood test 🤷🏻‍♀️I admit I *Do sometimes struggle to stop her/calm her down and it does scare me that she can’t but I’m not sure how bad it was if that makes sense? She also said to film her and show the Dr. My dad was really quiet and she said he’s worried too

OP, it's worth remembering that every generation thinks they did everything right, and that the next generation of children is problematic (i.e. that you're not strict enough, or that you never did X when you were a child, etc, etc, etc). I'd probably be guilty of the same thing if my DC had children now. And that's even though I know for a fact that my DC1 (now a thoroughly responsible and delightful young man) was an absolute horror as a younger child. It's easy to forget all that once they have turned into decent adults!

It sounds as if your DD is over-excited and over-stimulated by her grandparents' visit - plus she's coming to terms with school. I'd just make sure the non-negotiables (bedtime, teeth etc) remain non-negotiable, and wouldn't become involved in any other battles about hair etc. Just be calm and kind, and try not to listen too much to your mum. Easier said than done, though!

See a child therapist as it might be something simple. In just one session they can often work out what's going on.

My m in law thinks my 2 boys behaviour is awful and her boys did not behave like that. Speak to my husband and his brother the stories they tell about growing up - they were so naughty! I think they forget. My dd certainly was awful at times between 4 and 10 but teens have been fairly calm.
Maybe today she was over tired and just needed her usual structure back.

I’d bide your time.

I remember finding DD extremely challenging from time to time when she was 3-4.

I remember being reduced to tears and feeling completely impotent to control the situation or improve things.

It was a phase. She is 12 now, and in fear of speaking too early before the teen years hit, she is an absolute dream, and has been for a long time.

Don’t read too much into things right now. It’s a notoriously difficult age, and things are out of kilter with your parents staying. Give it some time.

@Itisbetter Why will it be stressful for her having them here?

DD 3.5 is like this and there's nothing wrong with her. She's just very highly strung and always has been. She behaves excellently at nursery but takes a lot of parenting at home. I am at home full time with her and can recognise the (sometimes very small) signs which DH misses so I can usually distract/ give her quiet time/ feed her before things get out of control but nearly every time DH has her she becomes overwrought. It's just a stage of development in my opinion.

Your DM doesn't sound all that helpful to me. Probably because she caught you in tears she's built it up to be something much bigger than it is.

@Fucket has said some wise words. I do not 'feel like i'm walking on egg shells' with my 4 year old. If he misbehaves he gets a warning and if it reaches 3 warnings he gets a consequence. I hope things improve soon for you.

It doesn’t sound too out of the ordinary to me OP. I’ve just had a solid year of this behaviour from one of mine, they’re slowly coming out of it (now age 5). And things like ‘not doing hair right’ were exactly what sparked it. I definitely didn’t handle the tantrums well for quite a while, it’s improved since I worked more on staying calm/empathising but also not giving in. Although you sound like you stayed pretty calm! Of course there could be more going on with your DD but not necessarily seeing that from what you’ve posted.

Also I would never take DD to a cafe and expect her to sit longer than half an hour and I'd have stuff to amuse her. Your DM has wildly unrealistic expectations. What on Earth would she expect you to say to a doctor?

Sigh, I appear to be usually first to mention this, but going for it anyway as both my DDs have it.

Have you considered autism?

• big emotions- emotions dysregulation is v. common in girls
• fine at nursery, meltdown at home- v. common in girls because they mask
• using hair as excuse to try not to go out- when socially drained and want to stay home, often an autistic girl will hyper focus on hair not being right or all their socks have bumps in them. They can’t express that they’re not up to going out.
• rude/speaking crap tone of voice- hallmark autism
• wanting own way- autistic children need routine, when the routine is completely blown by visitors, this is how they try and feel like their life isn’t spinning out of control (fear response).

It doesn’t really sound normal to say you fell like you’re on eggshells with a four year old! What are you going to be like when she’s 14? As pp said, stop pandering and faffing with her hair. No way would my mum have tolerated that.

Why will it be stressful for her having them here?

Because they are critical of her and you, in her home, change her morning routine, and expect her to behave in ways she is not yet able to (sit still bored in cafes) and then express that they think something is wrong with her.

Our grandson is exactly like this at the moment. She sounds spirited but no worse from your description. It does sound as if your mum is over-reacting, I think.

Sounds like your daughter takes her dramatic streak after your mum!

I just don’t know as I know it was really full on this morning, I was just trying to get her ready and out and really should have just left it sooner, it was clear she needed a day at home
My mum came upstairs she says to see if she could help as she says it sounded so awful downstairs, she was really quite upset and shaky
Just feels like such a strange day and week really with me trying to control her behaviour in front of them. So much easier when just us at home

My mum says “none of you ever had tantrums” which I find hilarious as I remember my little siblings having full on meltdowns - parents do forget the bad stuff.

It doesn’t sound worrying. Upsetting yes but as a rare incident not worrying. Plan a strategy for when she’s like that, to make sure you don’t reinforce the behaviour eg “if you’re going to talk to me like that I can’t help you with your hair until you’ve calmed down” then walk away and leave her by herself for a few min, then return and ask if she is calm and ready to be helped yet.

Starting preschool is a lot to deal with many kids regress for a bit.

Also my DM told me I was talking in full sentences at six months old grandparents have a habit of misremembering things.

I would take with a huge pinch of salt.

My childhood featured (infrequent, in the interest of fairness) smacks, lots of comparing to other children and how naughty we were in comparison.

As an adult, my dad used to say he never smacked us because he didn’t have to: we were so well behaved.

I also think that children always behave worst for mum (or dad.) Your mum has seen children on their best behaviour at nursery, then they come home and it all comes out.

It was just their reaction etc. I came downstairs and they were both sat in silence, gobsmacked. I’m worried we’ve become used to it that it’s worse than it is and they’ve seen something we haven’t, I just don’t know.
I also said surely the teacher would’ve mentioned more and she said she’s probably not like that at pre school, well
yes, the kids at her nursery may have been like at home only too 🤷🏻‍♀️
I just feel the week has been a lot of Dd speaking rudely, getting upset and shouting and feeling like I’m/we're being silently looked on, it makes me so uncomfortable having her discipline her with my parents just sat there watching us.
Usually I would’ve just walked away from her hair but everyone was sat downstairs waiting for us to go out, so I had to get her ready

My advice is to not worry. Your DM has probably forgotten what it was like at that stage, nursery experience and all. Your DD is upset by the visitors (not saying it’s anyones fault) and prefers her usual routine. Could be your parents are ticking her off or making her feel bad when you aren’t in the room (my DM is a sweetheart but was hard on my DS when he was tiny, no idea why), could be your DD is just a bit out of sorts. Don’t panic, try not to over react, ride it out and consider her behaviour when the house is back to normal. Don’t let people frighten you, stay steady.

Just shrug and say “girls will be girls”. Seems to work for the parents of a few 4 year old boys I know.

My DD turned 4 last week and sounds similar. She can have a meltdown over the slightest thing. She’s often rude and blows raspberries and says no, go away a lot. 70 percent of the time she’s so sweet but she is emotional and cries a lot. She’s as good as gold at nursery but also gets so excited when her grandparents come. It’s always full on and so loud when they come around. It’s never occurred to me that something could be wrong. Never considered taking her to a dr. I just assumed it’s a phase.