Dm said she’s never seen a child as bad before as Dd

[Allweatewasspaghettihoops]

Parents are here to stay, Dd just 4 has always been energetic but not hugely difficult in behaviour. Since around March, we saw some changes and the last few months she’s having fairly bad meltdowns and is speaking not that nicely and being impatient and shouting/crying a lot, plus wanting things her own way.
Shes been over excited because they’re here and has also had less sleep. We’ve been going out everyday and today we got up as usual and went to get ready. As I was doing her hair, she completely lost it, screaming and crying and saying I was doing it wrong, each time I kept trying to do what I thought she was asking, I was getting it more wrong and she was getting more upset.
I tried really hard to keep my patience, but I admit I felt out of control and just could not calm her down at all. I ended up sitting away a little on the bed and crying in frustration.
Dm came up looking really shaky and upset and almost crying and asked if I was ok and all was ok, she put her hand on my shoulder.
I ended up being able to calm her down and we lay cuddled together. I was so emotionally drained and feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes with her behaviour.
This afternoon I was talking to dm and she was saying none of us were anything like that and that she’s worked in a nursery and never seen a child get like that…ever 😢
She says I should go to the doctor with her asap.
I agree that this mornings episode was v intense and probably the worst I’ve had as she looked like something was driving her and she literally couldn’t stop. But I’m feeling really shocked and upset by the way Dm has described it all and I’m really worried now.
Does this sound really terrible for a just turned 4 year old?

@Mummyoflittledragon But I feel almost as if I need to text saying ‘Are you both ok??’ It’s the people pleasing part isn’t it? I feel a strong, nervous urge to do it, to make sure they’re not angry at me…it’s not right is it! I’m a grown woman and mother, with a degree and mortgage and have travelled the world and lived abroad, yet I feel like a child needing to text. I won’t though, not any further than my reply.

Would you consider counselling OP? If cost/time/childcare allows? Could be helpful to make sense of all of this. Your DD is lucky with a mum who has her back, and that’s the most important thing 💐

My DD is 3 years 7 months and like this most days, it's worse when she's tired. I'm sick of being shouted at and she gets into fits where nothing is right. However my oldest was the same and grew out of it, not that she never has a tantrum now but had learned and is still learning how to deal with her emotions (she uses breathing a lot which I think is great). I don't think it's abnormal OP and grandparents forget a lot about how tough it can be I think plus tend to have high expectations for children to be happy all the time. Children let themselves go emotionally most with their parents in my experience because they feel safe to do so.

I’m familiar with this urge, it’s really hard to sit on your hands and ignore the need to make sure others are happy and you’re not to blame for any upset. Try your very best to sit with the feeling without acting on it, and be curious about where it’s coming from. Chat to your DH about it maybe.

@Schmordle I think I definitely need some counselling

Yes, I’m also familiar with that urge — the people pleasing accompanied by fright, panic, nausea, fear of abandonment and so forth. It’s very deep seated. I’ve been learning to live with that uncomfortable feeling. I was recently told, if you’re unsure whether or not to send a message, sit tight and reflect first. The correct course of action will come. I think it is really sound advice actually and they were absolutely correct.

I do think you did the right thing with your dad btw. The little chat and emojis. That’s just part of your dad / daughter ritual after he leave and does not sound toxic. If anything, that stopped you from ruminating and worrying. From now on, everything you do with regard to your parents should be in mind with protecting you and satisfying your needs. You have to protect yourself first before you can protect anyone else, primarily children.

I’m glad you’re up for counselling / therapy and that your dd is calmer and feeling more settled. Poor thing, she must have been exhausted with all the emotions flying round. Small children do pick up on these things. Not only did I have the nervous feelings with my mother, I remember them with my maternal grandmother from a very young age from a very young age. Maybe 5 or younger. She also had no time for me.

I would honestly leave it for now.
Next time they want to come for a little holiday you can tell it to them straight. You won't be going through that ridiculous emotional turmoil simply because you aren't putting their wants over your/DD's needs again.
You weren't put on this earth to entertain them and you will no longer expect DD (and yourself) to bend to their whims. You can't expect even the most well behaved child to trot around doing exactly what their GP's want to do at their pace day after bloody day. I would scream too!

My advice would be when they contact you again, either to announce that they are planning a visit or (less likely) asking if they can visit and stay, you simply say that it's too disruptive for them to stay with you as their last visit showed but you've found some lovely B&B's or an AirBnB nearby that would suit. They can stay there and pop around for a visit when they are there. By popping around, then you can control the day, the schedule etc. and you can know when your DD has had enough and you can leave, and so can they, everyone back to their corner if you will.

I have a suspicion that they won't want to visit as often if they have to pay to stay, but don't for one second feel anything about that.

Take a deep breath now and let it all out in a relieving sigh. It's over until the next time, whenever that might be.

I agree with @LookItsMeAgain , sound advice.