To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

It sounds as though it's impacting her day to day life, so on that basis I think you should speak to her, but obviously only from a health aspect.
We shouldn't be too scared to speak to those we love about their weight, I know she will know how large she is but she obviously needs some help in tackling it, how you do that I have no idea though.

She knows what size she is so I don’t see what is to be gained from you commenting to be honest.

at most perhaps say “you seem really out of breath are you ok? Are you concerned that you are getting out of breath so quickly?” It opens up an opportunity for her to talk if she wants to but also she can shut it down if she doesn’t want to.

Beyond that no I think you have to leave comments specifically about her weight alone

Reading your post, the first thing that occurred to me was that you don't seem to mentioned how she feels. Is she happy generally? Do you have any insight into how she feels about life, about herself, about being a parent to a young child etc? Because I think the answers to those questions might be more important than whether she is concerned about her weight and health. There is no way she doesn't know that she has a weight problem. She may well not be ready or not feel able to deal with it....and all of the 'above the neck' health stuff (i.e. mental health) will be likely indicators as to why. I would start with trying to understand how she feels more generally, and take it from there.

Please addrsss it in a sensitive manner. I had to do it with my sister as I was very concerned. I started the conversation by saying she looked beautiful and this was not about looks but health as I knew two young people who got heart attacks. I booked and paid for a dietitian for my sister but also changed my own eating habits to support her. Do not mention your grand daughter. Focus on your own daughter. Best of luck.

She knows she’s overweight and you speaking with her about it is unlikely to change that. However, I think it fair to say that of course you share her doctors’ concerns about her health and to ask if there’s anything you can do to support her improve her health. Whether now or further down the line

That’s a fair comment, thank you. She’s always generally happy, bubbly etc. Of course you never know exactly what is going on inside someone’s head but she’s never expressed any issues about her relationship for example, and she loves being a mum.

im sure she’s fully aware of her weight
I don’t think you should address that
but as pp said you could address the health implications
hey you seem quite out of breath are you ok?
but even that you need to tread carefully with and not do too often.

dont mention your granddaughter because it will sound like you are implying she is a bad mother

Don't talk to her about her weight. She already knows. She is living it, seeing it and feeling it every day. What you can do is encourage a healthier lifestyle and healthier eating habits. You could suggest a nice walk together a couple of times a week, which would probably help mentally as well as physically, and which your gd would also enjoy.

What are you prepared to do to help her?

Go out for walks with her? Have her round for healthy meals? These can be done without mentioning her weight.

Childcare to free up some time for her to exercise or go to a slimming club meeting? Financial incentives? That would need discussion first, and for it to work, it would have to come from her.

I saw a magazine in the supermarket - the headline said something like 'My husband had sex with my mum in front of me' - and that had made her want to lose weight. I'm still in shock just from seeing the headline. I wouldn't recommend that one.

Unless she’s squeezing herself into size 8s then the only thing you need to say is: “me and your dad are really worried - can we help you pay for surgery?”.

What do you think your comment would achieve? She's knows. She hasn't asked for your opinion, hilts I understand your concern, it's not your place to make any comment

Could you go on a "health kick" before Christmas & ask her if she'd like to join & support you? Encouragement for each other. Going for walks, a new gentle yoga/exercise class or maybe swimming followed by healthy lunch?
Also nice to spend some time together.

It must be heartbreaking to see your child, who you bore and brought up, doing this to their body.

DH let himself get very out of shape a few years back to the point that his family started to worry about him. It was his mother telling him how upset and worried she was that tipped him back into taking care of himself, so it’s definitely the case that a well-meaning intervention can work.

It's so difficult, isn't it?

I'd ask her if she wants to talk about it! And ask if she wants any help, or input. If she doesn't, you know where you stand.

But like a pp said, what can you do to help?

I'll be honest here and I'm sure it's going to be deeply unpopular, but all of the significantly overweight people I know who are now how slim have had bariatric surgery. No diet worked. No regime worked. Of you can afford the £10k to pay for it, I'd be offering that.

I wish I had the £10k for it. I'm 6 stone overweight. My sister is 8 stone overweight. We've both agreed that we'd have the surgery if it was possible.

Willing to do whatever I can to help. We have GD here 2.5-3 days a week, and DD will occasionally eat dinner with us when picking up but usually not.

and yes, the magazine idea doesn’t sound the best!

Not squeezing herself into size 8s but she certainly doesn’t dress to hide her size at all. She’s always been confident and seems as much so now as ever which I think is great as nobody should be ashamed of who they are.

I wouldn't say anything. She knows she is very overweight, and she knows the risks of that, but it is very difficult to change eating and exercise behaviours.

I know it is painful and difficult to watch someone you love doing things that will negatively impact their health, but the truth is you can't change this, and you could damage your relationship with your daughter by trying.

I think that it’s often the case that people really don’t know quite how out of shape they are, as their weight has increased over a long period, and they’ve got used to it at each stage.

DH was looking back through his “fat” trousers after he shed the excess and could see that in each waist size as he went up he progressed from the “slim” cut to the “normal” to “comfort”, before jumping up a size and starting the cycle again. At each point he thought that he wasn’t doing too badly. It was only when he took some proper measurements that he realised how very far he had gone in the wrong direction.

She can HIDE her 20+ stone body? Where can mortals buy clothes which “hide” excess weight.

Ive jusr started going to a counselling after years of hating my body. What used to be a 10 is now a 18. Something I’ve learnt is that weight is not linked to how healthy you’re. I just got my blood results back. They’re perfect so even if for the nhs I would be classified as obesed my blood says I’m healthy and this is what should matter to you all whether she’s healthy. Whether she can do her day to day life and her bloods are ok. You can encourage her to take healthier lifestyle by doing exercise or eating better but mention this as an opportunity to feel better in her day to day and don’t link it to her weight. Weight can go up for loads of reasons and it might not go down for many other reasons not only because she doesn’t have a healthy lifestyle

What is it you hope to get out of the conversation?

If she's been spoken to by health professionals about her weight during pregnancy, she's a) already aware she's overweight and b) knows the health risks.

So speaking to her about her isn't telling her anything she doesn't already know. If your goal is to make her know you're worried, what do you think that will achieve?

I'm not trying to be arsey, I genuinely think it's worth considering what you're hoping to get out of the conversation - IMO, telling her you're worried with the sole aim to let her know that isn't going to change her behaviour if a health professional telling her to lose weight hasn't done anything.

If you're wanting to discuss ways to support her, I think you'd be better waiting for her to ask - weight is often a sensitive subject and I'd guess she was more likely to shut down than agree to sign up to Slimming World.

Basically, I don't think there's much you'll achieve other than making her feel criticised and defensive. As someone who was overweight most of their adult life so far, I'm well aware of it and my mum's attempts in the past to talk about it with me (well-meaning as they were) were just annoying, embarrassing, patronising or intrusive. Now I'm losing weight, I am equally annoyed by her mentioning that, too. She's a grown woman, she knows she's overweight, and unless she's been living under a rock she's aware of the health risks. Leave it be unless she specifically asks for your opinion or support.

As people have already said, she knows so you don't need to point it out to her. I'd maybe have a gentle conversation with her about how she's feeling and if you can support her in any way.

The thing I would do, maybe as part of that support, is focus on your DGD and making sure she has an active healthy life and does enough exercise for a 4yo, given that her mum may lack the health and energy sometimes to be as active with her as would be ideal. Do you live close enough that you can take your DGD to a couple of activities a week to give your DD a break? Things like swimming, playground, gym, mini athletics, dance? Or even just to soft play? Or could you help pay for holiday clubs, sports camps and things like that? Then your DD might have a bit more time and energy for herself, and feel more like making positive changes.

With respect I think you know what I meant. She will often wear things that are fitted or tight, rather than ‘hiding’ in very big dresses and the like

Weight is very much linked to how healthy you are, being obese is a major risk factor for stroke, diabetes, heart attacks and cancer. It’s also a major factor in joint and back problems.

I do tend to agree with this. DD is obviously aware she’s overweight but I get the sense with her that she maybe doesn’t accept just how bad it is getting because this has happened over the last 10 years