To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

my blood tests are ok so I’m not more at risk than what you’d be (diabetes was one of the ones that got tested)

cancer ? Are you telling me obese people are only the ones having cancer ?

Weight gain is almost always either biological, due to hormones/health or its psychological and people eat to vill avoid just as they would by smoking etc. Has she had her thyroid checked? PCOS? If all that is fine then maybe try to encourage a shared hobby that can switch out one habit for another? I stopped a compulsive habit through gardening. I found it eased my anxiety and regulated my breathing enough that I didn't have to reach for that crutch anymore.

If OP had cone on here saying she needed to address her daughter for being very underweight, people wouldn’t saying ‘she knows her size’
‘what do you want to gain from telling her’
‘how will you help’

They would be encouraging her to seek help and do all she can to make things better, both underweight and overweight carry health risks so I’m surprised they’re not treated the same

She knows what size she is. Does she want to loose weight? I ask because if she doesn't she probably won't. You say she seems happy and bubbly but unless she is honestly content at the moment loosing weight will be even more of an uphill battle than normal.

I reckon I'm a similar size to your DD. I know what size I am, I don't know exactly how much I weigh because scales aren't healthy for my mindset. If my mum sat me down and told me I was fat I would be very perplexed. This wouldn't be groundbreaking information. If she is interested in making some health changes like going for a walk or something along those lines then she may appreciate the company. But I'd say there's not much point in telling her she's overweight. She's aware.

If she s 22 stone when she gave birth, and it now ( to use your phrase)significantly bigger, presumably she must have mobility issues and breathing issues. My neighbour has just passed away , weighing 26 stone, and her legs physically couldnt hold her weight.

I am surprised that there is no GP concern or management if she is as big as you say

Please dont discuss, your daughter knows her weight, she is aware of the impact it has on her health.

I have spent my entire life with my mum commenting on my weight and the only impact it has, is I feel worthless in my mums eyes as I'm not the desired appearence she'd like. She never comments on how I look, it's alway digs about losing weight, how beautiful slim people in the family are.

I've gone NC with my mum on the weight issue a couple of years ago, as I got fed up with comments, negative remarks etc. I've warned her that I would do it again. I just want my mum to love me as I am and be proud of me.

I'm sure she knows about her weight and it is of a concern to her. I wouldn't mention it directly. If you are local I'd be asking if I can help with anything or perhaps suggest something active you could do together like go for a walk, swim or yoga

Sleep is a big factor in obesity - you might ask her if she sleeps well. That would be a start point.

So do you have an idea of why it is happening? Does she comfort eat? Over-eat? Have treats around the house? Finish kid's food rather than throwing or saving? Does she do any physical activity? Does she drink a lot?

Depending on the answers to those questions, then it is likely that the best approach is to model healthy living, make sure she knows you love her just as she is, and be there if/when you see any opportunity to sensitively support if she opens up a conversation about her health.

Well they’re not really the same problem in many ways. Being underweight due to a complex disorder such as anorexia is wildly different to being overweight.

@EasterIssland just because blood tests are normal, it doesn’t mean you are healthy. Blood tests are only one small measure of health. Obesity puts you at higher risk of cancer, heart attacks etc. as PP said. Basic blood tests will not show that.

What do you want to tell her that she doesn't already know?

DH realised when the weight was coming off that he’d stopped ever allowing himself to stand in front of a mirror shirtless since he’d got fat. He would sit on the toilet differently, he’d avoid activities that were strenuous, and he’d noticed none of it.

His clothes style changed comp,geeky, and, again, it was just not something he’d seen happening.

He went from 70kg to 110kg over about fifteen years, and then, once he had his moment, when his mother said how upset and worried she was, he took it all back off again in a year.

I’ve no idea of course how your daughter would react to you trying to discuss it with her, but completely disagree with those claiming that she must be aware of how bad things have become and that any conversation must be a bad idea.

Being overweight it doesn’t have to be linked to eating only. I’ve got pcos and one of the secondary effects can be being overweight. There are many illnesses that can make you put weight on, not only eating. And in these scenarios it’s not that easy to remove weight and maintain it

from google
what causes obesity & overweight?
Food and Activity. People gain weight when they eat more calories than they burn through activity. ...
Environment. The world around us influences our ability to maintain a healthy weight. ...
Genetics. ...
Health Conditions and Medications. ...
Stress, Emotional Factors, and Poor Sleep

YANBU
But it has to be handled sensitively. Perhaps you can suggest going on walks with you on the weekend? Recommend she get a referral to a nutritionist? (Her portion sizes may be off).

I'm sorry, but you are completely deluded.

What do you expect to gain from talking to her about it? Do you think she isn't aware? Or that she doesn't realise that it is impacting her daily life? Or that she hasn't tried to do something about it?

Are you expecting her to say "oh gosh, I didn't realise I was so fat and that it was stopping me do somethings, I'll lose the weight immediately"?

Are you going to offer some practical help? If so, what? can you afford to fund some counselling for her? Look at something like ozempic for her? go to slimming world with her? Have the kids whilst she exercises?

If you do approach it, you need to be offering something practical, simply telling her what she already knows will just make her feel even more crap than she probably does.

I’m not sure where you are getting this from, but yes, someone who’s obese is absolutely at higher risk than someone with a normal BMI when it comes to the risks which I mentioned.

Do you genuinely not know that it’s a risk factor for cancer, stroke, and heart attacks?

Here’s a link to the NHS page with some information;

www.nhs.uk/conditions/obesity/#:~:text=Serious%20health%20conditions,-Being%20obese%20can&text=health%20conditions%2C%20including%3A-,type%202%20diabetes,asthma

Yes I realise this, I just wondered if OP had any insight into whether it was likely to be lifestyle or other health issues or anything else. I didn't mean to imply that it was all about lifestyle.

Sorry haven't read everyone's replies but what is her general diet like and does she do daily exercise? I'd be terrified of health problems or reduced mortality if I were her - I'd be thinking I want to be fit and healthy for my child. I do think this, and I'm a size 12.

I’d say she’s probably similar to that or maybe a bit heavier as she is quite tall. There are breathing and mobility issues as said in my first post. I’m not sure what conversations she’s had with GP since the time after she gave birth.

I’m afraid to say it’s just like stopping smoking. All the scare stories in the world don’t work. It’s not until that switch in your head goes off that things change.

Some comments about lifestyle, diet etc above…

I know she doesn’t eat a great diet, quite a lot of takeaways etc, and she does snack a lot - always tends to be lots of chocolate, biscuits, sweets in their house. She has an office job so is mostly sat down all day (either office or WFH) and she hasn’t done regular exercise since she did zumba for a while after the pregnancy that I’m aware of.

To put it bluntly, once her weight has got to the point of affecting her mobility and breathing she’s approaching a point where she’s very unlikely to live to see her children grow up.

I really do feel for you.

Do you genuinely not know that it’s a risk factor for cancer, stroke, and heart attacks?

Higher BMI is a risk but it depends on other factors too. Mine is 27, a bit high but was over 30 at one point. My resting heart rate is 45, BP 100/60, cholesterol perfect, blood sugar, iron levels etc all normal, I'm fit and strong from yoga and walking and my diet is spot on. At my health check I was given 0% chance of any cardio problems in the next ten years. Now, as I lose weight things are easier, less strain on joints (yoga is much easier!) so there are good reasons for continuing to do so, but I'm pretty healthy as it is.

Oh god, already with the 'obesity has no bearing on health' denial posts. 😖